progression

oh, my goodness. So much has happened since I last wrote. I've actually been keeping it more in a paper journal- thus, my absence from this medium.
I will probably transcribe it here soon just to have a record of everything.
His wife announced she was filing for divorce suddenly. Although he was mentally and emotionally preparing himself to leave anyway, I think that *her* being the one to abruptly end it threw him off a little; maybe it stung his pride, and it has left him scrambling to find job/housing/etc. situations, plus it has forced him to confront issues of custody/child support/etc. much sooner than I think he was expecting to. So he's been suddenly mega-stressed. I have just been trying to offer comfort and support. But the problem is, because of our... thing-that's-not-a-thing-but-it's-totally-a-Thing, the more supportive and loving I am, the more I feel like I am... drawing him in, or pushing him, to engage in a relationship he is not ready for right now. But on the other hand... God it's just so naturally good between us. So I'm wrestling with the question of... Is "not ready" a serious psychological problem, or a just construct of fear in our minds?
The truth is, we've spent 3 nights now under the same roof (not in a row) and - all were chaste, all were loving, no sex, no nudity, still not even a kiss yet, but our closeness was... undeniably exhilarating and... we... it was like we just spent hours nourishing each other's hungry souls. Already, he is talking to me as if he plans to share the rest of his life with me- except for times when I think the idea is freaking him out, a little. (Pot, meet Kettle; Kettle, Pot. 'Thrilled + Terrified' could be the name of my next album). He basically told me as much- that with the women he's been with in the past, he's always been able to anticipate their character flaws or incompatibilities that would likely eventually break them apart. It always allowed him to reserve a part of himself back, so that in the end, it would be easier to walk away.
But he can't find that with me. He said he feels like he would not be able to hide any part of himself from me, and it would be a total commitment. So it's... kinda freaking him out. A little paranoia, a little vanity in the way, he said. He is asking me to be patient with him, while he mentally and emotionally makes space for me in his life.
...
..... I mean.
what... if he is telling me the truth, and not ... in fact, running some sort of game on me, then... that's fucking... amazing and beautiful and of course I will wait.
If he IS running game on me somehow... uhm, it's pretty good game.
But then... my only fear is like, what if I wait and wait and wait and in the end he freaks himself out and runs away? I've waited a really long time for love already. On the one hand, that makes me very well equipped to wait, in the sense that I'm used to denial of self and being 'put off' and patient. On the other hand... my heart is just wincing, hoping... that he doesn't keep me on a shelf forever. I'm not gettin' any younger over here. And my heart has been just...aching and starving for a really long time and.... *whimper* just... please... don't... cruelly leave me over here staring at this lovely buffet forever, only to send the bouncers over to be like, "sorry miss, but we're gonna have to ask you to leave..."
I mean if I'm going to offer someone my love and my support and my physical, mental and emotional resources, then I need them to... be there for me, too. err, that's hard for me to say, even now, I feel kinda guilty even thinking that firmly in my mind but... The pain of these past few years can't be for nothing. I have to own the lesson of boundaries, or I'd have... learned nothing at all from the death of my last relationship. If my basic needs are not being met, a relationship just isn't going to be sustainable, no matter how much I love the person. And after all I've been through, I feel like... I shouldn't have to end up right back in another dynamic where my soul is not being fed or cared for in reciprocity- I give a lot, I'm capable of giving such deep love... I'm at the point where I'm willing to give it, and I've been bold enough/ stupid enough to tell him that. And...uhm. Not saying this to be arrogant, but it's a simple fact that there are at least 10 other people I've turned down in the past year, who'd fight and bleed for the offer of my heart, which I'm making him now. Not saying that makes me special, but for someone not particularly beautiful, empirically speaking, it does tell me I must somehow... have something that people want? And cheap pussy abounds in this town, so it's not that. The people who've approached me all have done so reverently, and with the most heartfelt words they can muster. Few people approach me with cheap lust; somehow they always seem to know I'd require something deeper and they come to me with their hearts in their hand, and I can only... send them away as gently as possible. And I feel awed and humbled that anyone ever desires me at all. But they're there, and they've all blessed me with their admiration and hopes, their love and their desire, and I feel like... Even if I couldn't give myself to all of them, at the same time, I can't disrespect them all by throwing myself away.
So now I'm... hanging here in suspended animation, praying he recognizes what he's got in his hands, and won't let me down. It's not that I hold my own self in ridiculously high regard, but- I know I'm different from a lot of other women, and I know... I'm a good girl, a strong ally. I'm strong and resilient, faithful and loving, creative and passionate, and I'm not...exactly worthless. I'd make a quality companion for someone, you know? I don't just offer myself to anyone lightly. 2 men. Only two, so far in my life. He'd be the third.

But on the other hand, every indication he gives me is that the 'emotional hiding' struggle he's going through will culminate in some sort of enlightenment he is working towards, which will allow him to move forward with me. And I mean, my god. He only found out his marriage was done like, 2 weeks ago. I was still in shock, 2 weeks after I realized it was over. Romance was the fucking FURTHEST thing from my mind.
So, I'm sorry, self, but Real Talk: Calm the Fuck Down. You think his hesitation is worrisome? Get over yourself, it's not about you right now. This man is going through some serious shit right now and nobody is equipped to know that BETTER than you right now. So you, missy, need to be patient and give him space and not be a pushy asshole. And the waiting part could take months. Hell, with you it was almost a year, right? And You should not give him any less consideration. You have not even yet begun to wait. And if you truly think he's worth it, then it's time to swallow your pride, put your nose back to your own grindstone, and just work on making yourself awesome until such time as he's ready to join you on your path.

Which brings me back to the being torn between wanting to be a source of comfort for him, and falling deeper down the rabbit hole together every time we have a conversation. But I can tell he wants it too; He's the one who keeps engaging me, anyway- he approached me first. I'm not completely blind, and I've never been the kind of person to psychically slobber on others or push my will- if I didn't think he was into me, there would be no 'mutual attraction' for me to pleasantly ruminate on, or fantasize about. It was because he started beautifying my life out of his own desire for me, that I started falling in love in the first place.

I dunno.
My own heart, in all of this, is a pile of illogical "YESSSSS"-mush that I can't seem to keep on a leash anymore no matter how hard I'm trying to be cool and rational about this. Damnit. My brain's all- "goddammit girl stop pushing him, neither of you are ready for this, both of you are broke, taking him and his life problems on is going to be a lot of fucking work, with the kids and the bitchy ex wife and the daily passions and moods of an artISTE, that when it's good it'll be amazing but when it's bad you know it's gonna be somewhere between Clash of the Titans and the moodiest Cure song EVAR and where the fuck are you going to live and how the fuck are you going to let him see you nekkid when you hate your body so much and what about your ex-husband/soulmate and all of the years you spent together and isn't this somehow a betrayal of that or do you have the strength to move on and if you do, are you sure you're 'moved on' ENOUGH for this? Those scars on your heart are still really fresh and can be torn open pretty easily and what the fuck do you think you are doing, honestly?"
And my heart's just like, "Oh God look at this shiny jewel I tripped over on the beach, he's so warm and snuggly and good and his energy is invigorating and his eyes are like the Universe and he makes me want to be a better person in every way and his kids are sweet and he's a good dad and he's so handsome and his soul swims in all the deep places mine does without getting scared and he's both manly and sensitive and romantic as fuck and he sent me poetry and he's lit up my soul and he makes me so hot and I want to make love with him in so many different ways, and he makes me feel loved and understood and... oh Father-Mother-God can I keep him please?"


*cue Gir from Invader Zim*
"I'm gonna sing the Doom song now! Doooooomy doomy doom doom doom doom DOOOOOOOOOOOOm doomy-doom-doom doomy-doomy-doom..."

The not-so-stoic side

Oh. my god. (second entry today that starts like that, I know).
Okay uhm. I know this entry is probably going to seem out of place given that I haven't yet transcribed my paper journals about the nights we spent together.
But suffice to say even though we've kept things... pretty chaste, all things considered- no kiss yet, no unclothed-ness, no sex, no touching below the belt- nothing much except for holding hands, caressing hair and faces, laying our heads on each other's shoulders, some very lovely warm hugs, and the 1 out of 3 nights we actually "slept together" (on the same bed, at a mutual friend's house, with the door open, and our street clothes on the whole time, just... snuggled together fairly innocently and resting peacefully all night) - even though we're holding back - we've had some really... some rather frank, yet respectful sexual conversations and we've both sexually fantasized about each other and we both know it. Neither of us are... 'nasty' people, we're both... people who can appreciate the beauty of love as well as the power of sex, and we're both determined to take this really slow. So. Though we've admitted certain things... it's not like we've sat around talking dirty to each other. We've just had... some intelligent, yet guarded conversation about certain things that turn us on or ....stuff we might be into, or good at. He's teased me with comments about how he was good with rope (bondage). That (while I was in the middle of feeling extreme pleasure just from him caressing my ear/jawline) he was better 'without his hands', whatever that is supposed to mean. And that he would excel at giving me a 'hard' time, lol. While I have told him that I do like to fantasize about submission, although I'm realistically more of a switch because I can put myself in the headspace of either/or and derive enjoyment from it, and that I'm more into sensual domination than cliches of BDSM - I've always been curious to try bondage but never had a willing/educated partner, and I'm no pain slut, for sure- I don't like humiliation/degradation (on that, we agreed, which is cool) but I let him know that to me, the hottest thing is when someone can hold you captive with a touch or word (oh god, my real name, he doesn't know how he could hold me with it. Fuck.), and he agreed but commented that that takes a lot of trust, which is rare to find. (true).
He also talked to me sadly a little bit about his exes who just didn't seem to enjoy foreplay, that they were just wanting like, 10 minutes of RARRR and "let's get it over with" type thing- I can't imagine being like that. I can't. I mean there's nothing wrong with a quickie but... I love making love, I love the idea of it, the exploration, the sensual play, the mind- the MIND is the body's largest erogenous zone, right? I mean there's so much to feel and experience that is so lovely. How could you not want that? Well... Clearly he has been missing the slow pleasure and sensuality of sexual communion and he longs for it just like I do... We both are interested in exploring tantra, and have never had a willing partner for that either. But it's weird- even though our conversations have been honest, we're still both... a little shy. Not completely letting it all out yet.
But some how that makes it hotter. I can tell we both like where our minds are going.
I can't help spending an inordinate amount of time thinking about what it's going to be like with him if/when we... you know. I mean he's hinted at these various things but has not been terribly explicit. He told me about his dream of teasing me/edging me just to feel my breathing change, and my grip on him change... and he told me he awoke from it so aroused that he had to... take care of himself in private over it... But I am at the point where there hasn't been hardly a day that goes by where I don't think some secret thought about him that gives my whole body hot shivers, and make my... girly parts shudder/do these weird little sparkly flip-flops, like when you get butterflies in your stomach, only lower down. I don't know what it is scientifically happening in there; it's not just an average vaginal contraction, it feels more...whole, than that... is it my cervix? My uterus? It's as if everything, the whole female reproductive system, seems to bloom with this aching desire to think of him ...reaching me there, being within me, moving in me... to think of his skin on my skin, his heart to my heart, looking him in the eye and feeling his body buried deep in mine- oh... God. I... My cheeks get flushed and my spine tingles. I mean it's bad. (or uhhhh, good, depending on how you look at it, haha. *blushes*) But you have to understand, I went from almost 4 years of sexual stasis, where I had lapsed down to masturbating maybe 2-4 times a month, since it emotionally sucked so bad and I just didn't care anymore and was trying to train my body not to care, because I believed I'd be alone for... a really long time, to like... feeling this arousal and hope/secret pleasure/needing or wanting to come every day. Except the few days when I've been on my period. But sometimes it's even multiple times a day. My God. He's woken something in me that... I really thought was gone. I find myself doing involuntary Kegels at weird random times, thinking of him. In the office. In the car. Sitting at this computer. I wake up thinking of him with me, and I fall asleep wishing he was there.

It's bad, y'all. I've got it bad. And today particularly so. *blushes deep* hence the extra entry of explicitness, sorry. I was on my way to the gym and all these little random snips of conversations came back to me and comments he's made; he mentioned his ex-wife tended to be rather... aggressive in order to feel a sense of sexual safety or power and I wonder if between that and her distaste of foreplay, if he's felt disenfranchised all the time he was with her? Was he hungry for a gentle welcome? Does he need to feel dominant? I could give him that, I know I could. It would be so fun to let him "conquer" me. :) I'm secure enough in who I am to submit to someone I trust not to debase me- and he seems respectful enough of women and sexuality in general that...within the protective circle of Love, I would surrender to him, I would lift him up, I would let him slake his rage and hunger and thirst on me, and yield every healing soft part of myself for him to consume and plant himself and renew himself in me, because my secret is that... in lifting up my lover, I am lifted. In renewing him, I too will be renewed. I'm getting this picture of him tying me up and me begging him sweetly for release and welcoming him into my body and him being filled with pride and pleasure as he owns me to my very core and...*sigh* I just don't know what to do with myself right now. And it's not like I can really talk to anyone about it, least of all him right now. So inappropriate, and I refuse to push him or harm him. He may have wanted to reassure me that I'm not a monster but I know I am, as you can see here. Within me is this... insatiable, starving passion and... even though he's sort of responsible for waking that beast, it would be really unfair of me to unleash it on him right now. I'm even still blushing bright pink writing this out; I just am trying to get it out so I can move on to other things today. I just ... am really hoping that someday... our day will come and he really will take me by storm.
I mean. Like I've mentioned. I'm used to waiting. I'll continue to wait. But right now I haven't felt this pleasant ache in a really long time and I just... part of me wants to just savor it for hours, and part of me is like, goddammit snap out of this reverie and just journal it down somewhere and get over it, we have shit to DO today.
So that's what I'm doing, I guess.