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for the sake of record keeping
Apr. 24th, 2012 05:45 amit was tall and spiky, pungent. there were tiny sparkly things on it, like sugar crystals but finer. the last thing I remember him telling me really, was that it was sativa and that it was strong and good, and it would not be like inda something. It crackled a little when he broke some off to put in the pipe.
the first thing I felt was a wave of feel-goodness about five minutes after my last puff. then I remember feeling weightless, like every bone in my body was free floating and all my muscles felt extremely warmed up and flexible. It was ah-mazing. I felt light as a feather, a feeling I've never experienced in this heavy body of mine. I was happy, relaxed. We went inside and the music was playing loudly. it had sort of annoyed me before, but now it attracted my attention, and I was drawn toward it like a moth to flame. I floated over near the edge of the bar to stare at the DJ. every beat was beautiful. every arpeggio was amazing. every transition and mix was perfect. i don't know how long i stared, dancing in place, still unsure of myself and trying not to appear to be in an altered state. I felt like my bones and muscles could go through repeated movement all night without tiring, but somewhere underneath the feeling I was aware of my calves kind of burning from repetitive use, just... without the pain part. the world was kind of swirly and all the music moved through me. my head was...in different places, I don't know. Sometimes I could take it all in, be aware of my surroundings, and sometimes I would catch myself focusing on one little thing to the exclusion of all else in the room. It is the strongest high I have ever experienced, it was amazing. It was like... I guess I should say, it was the experience of highness I always imagined, it was what I was hoping would happen all the times I tried before, but it never did. In the past I have never bothered much with pursuing smoking as a hobby because... it just never seemed to make that much of a difference. I don't know. I would feel my back pain cease, but not much mental alteration. I was starting to think I was just naturally resistant to it or something, or it was a case of the "emporer's new clothes" where weed is just wayyyy less of a big deal than everyone makes it out to be- like an extended cigarrette nicotene high. And every time someone has shared with me, they're always proud like it's good stuff. But this stuff was different. This guy wasn't kidding, the onset was so strong, it would've almost kicked my ass, if it wasn't so mellow and pleasant at the same time. I was definitely not able to retain 100% control of my mental state, though I tried a couple of times "force sobering myself up" like you can sometimes do with alcohol- not that you're less medically intoxicated but you know how if you're drunk and you have to suddenly deal with something serious, you can kind of shift your awareness and push the drunk to the back of your mind and gather your sanity about you at the forefront of your brain to deal with the situation at hand, if you really have to/decide to?
Well... I couldn't do that, with this. I was high and I was apparently going to just have to surrender to it, all I could do. It was physical but emotional too, a very positive happy feeling. I felt energized and "up". I started to oddly feel like the DJ was totally my friend. I reminded myself we never met and he didn't care who I was. I smoked a cigarette and the extra hit of nicotine on top of it all was like having a strobe light shined in my eyes- not pleasant, not unpleasant, just a jarring amplification of everything. I didn't like it. So I didn't attempt to smoke another cigarette the whole time. Then, "ladies drink free" tonight so I nursed a blue moon in one hand, and let my head fill up with more music, and eventually i started to feel sick to my stomach, like my body was thirsty but really didn't want beer. but it was too loud in there and too difficult for me to track the bartender's attention to speak to them and ask for water, so I kept drinking the beer in small sips of futility. It totally harshed my mellow, and I understand what that means now, LOL. also, the intensity of the music became heavy and cloying and I had to get away, somewhere less intense. less loud and vibraty.
Finally I made my way to the restroom, where I thought I was going to throw up, and hid myself in a stall.
I waited a long time in the stall, resting my head against the metal partition. Whenever I moved my head, I felt the whole world shift around me in nauseating waves. But my body would not throw up.
Then I felt a secondary rush- and suddenly I had this... daydream that my brain was taking up certain chemicals from my spinal cord like a tree takes up water from the roots, and I imagined my brain turn into a tree, with thousands of light-leaves, and my spinal cord was like trunk and roots and spiraled down my back with these twisting light-roots, and I thought of real trees in a forest, what if they are sentient and communicated with each other through underground tangled root network systems, and then I thought, they probably do, and if all our brains are like trees no wonder we all connect through our roots, our sex, root chakra area- it sounds like the ramblings of a silly stoner I'm sure but... on the other hand, it makes a sort of sense, it's just a repeated organic idiom, there are mathematical paradigms to the development of living structures and all life stems from those paradigms, and therefore all life is connected and reflected in different permutations throughout the universe, there's so much more similarity than difference, it's very beautiful.
But I felt keenly that I should not have drank that beer. it was just giving off this spiky unpleasant energy that clashed with the mellower high.
And I couldn't take the music anymore. It was like being my eardrums were being rubbed raw- initially pleasant contact but my brain and stomach were just begging for peace and quiet. it was like the crazy dubstep/complextro soundwaves were making me physically ill. So I had to get out of there. But the floaty feeling had left my bones, and now I was back to normal muscle function and since I'd been stepping/dancing in place for what, 30 minutes to almost an hour without stopping(?) my calves had that jello-y feeling that you get after an intense step workout, belly dance or hula dance workout. that weak muscle-failure feeling. So it took me a while to get my self upright and balanced. Then the haze cleared enough for me to walk upright. I went to my car and took a little nap. I woke up every so often and checked the time, and my brain. I sweated a lot. after about two hours, i woke up with a start and my head felt -different-. Clear. Muscles and bones were still warm and relaxed, but the 'head trip' was definitely over, as it were.
For the first time, I really understood why people do this. It wasn't the best trip ever because the environment and nicotine/alcohol combinations were harsher than my brain really wanted. But it was definitely a "trip". Now, I don't intend to make this a habit at all. But I don't intend to be quite so uptight about it either, I guess. There are still only a handful of people in this valley I'd trust to smoke with. This guy I'd never smoked with before, but every time I've met him, he's kind and friendly and treats others well. He has kind of a gentle energy about him, the kind of dude who seems to be about lifting his friends up, not tearing people down and using them. So I guess I felt like he wasn't trying to put one over on me, he was genuinely trying to be nice to me by offering what he had to share that was good. When I think back...so many people have offered over the years and I've politely refused them all for so long, feeling like the stuck up asshole because now I have to put a damper on their fun by being cast as the "silently judgemental one" or not accepting their generous hospitality... I know it's not really like that but... I always feel a little guilty when someone goes to the trouble of trusting me enough to offer, and then I refuse. I wonder how it makes them feel, if they thought I was cool or trustworthy and now they're not so sure. I guess trust really has to go both ways.
I dunno. I'm not saying I'm making the best decisions right now, but the stress level around here has been ridiculous lately, the depression so heavy and the cognitive dissonance so thick, and I can't get relief through sex, I have no desire to become alcoholic, and I have no intention of touching harder chemical pill type things, but to me... I mean... this grows naturally out of the ground and I guess I'm getting old enough to see that it's... not going to hurt much as long as I stay aware of my surroundings and don't let it become a crutch, and don't let anyone start to own me with it.
But if I can be relatively responsible with it, I have no real reason to keep refusing, either. I feel legalization will probably happen in my lifetime anyway and I'm all for that.
Either way, I feel very peaceful right now and grateful for the experience. Nature's amazing, God's amazing, my brain is a tree, hahaha, woot! LOL But seriously the fact that this altered state of being even actually exists... that it wasn't just an exaggeration... is something new i will have to do some thinking about. because I can't apparently do anything without being super-nerdy about it.
the first thing I felt was a wave of feel-goodness about five minutes after my last puff. then I remember feeling weightless, like every bone in my body was free floating and all my muscles felt extremely warmed up and flexible. It was ah-mazing. I felt light as a feather, a feeling I've never experienced in this heavy body of mine. I was happy, relaxed. We went inside and the music was playing loudly. it had sort of annoyed me before, but now it attracted my attention, and I was drawn toward it like a moth to flame. I floated over near the edge of the bar to stare at the DJ. every beat was beautiful. every arpeggio was amazing. every transition and mix was perfect. i don't know how long i stared, dancing in place, still unsure of myself and trying not to appear to be in an altered state. I felt like my bones and muscles could go through repeated movement all night without tiring, but somewhere underneath the feeling I was aware of my calves kind of burning from repetitive use, just... without the pain part. the world was kind of swirly and all the music moved through me. my head was...in different places, I don't know. Sometimes I could take it all in, be aware of my surroundings, and sometimes I would catch myself focusing on one little thing to the exclusion of all else in the room. It is the strongest high I have ever experienced, it was amazing. It was like... I guess I should say, it was the experience of highness I always imagined, it was what I was hoping would happen all the times I tried before, but it never did. In the past I have never bothered much with pursuing smoking as a hobby because... it just never seemed to make that much of a difference. I don't know. I would feel my back pain cease, but not much mental alteration. I was starting to think I was just naturally resistant to it or something, or it was a case of the "emporer's new clothes" where weed is just wayyyy less of a big deal than everyone makes it out to be- like an extended cigarrette nicotene high. And every time someone has shared with me, they're always proud like it's good stuff. But this stuff was different. This guy wasn't kidding, the onset was so strong, it would've almost kicked my ass, if it wasn't so mellow and pleasant at the same time. I was definitely not able to retain 100% control of my mental state, though I tried a couple of times "force sobering myself up" like you can sometimes do with alcohol- not that you're less medically intoxicated but you know how if you're drunk and you have to suddenly deal with something serious, you can kind of shift your awareness and push the drunk to the back of your mind and gather your sanity about you at the forefront of your brain to deal with the situation at hand, if you really have to/decide to?
Well... I couldn't do that, with this. I was high and I was apparently going to just have to surrender to it, all I could do. It was physical but emotional too, a very positive happy feeling. I felt energized and "up". I started to oddly feel like the DJ was totally my friend. I reminded myself we never met and he didn't care who I was. I smoked a cigarette and the extra hit of nicotine on top of it all was like having a strobe light shined in my eyes- not pleasant, not unpleasant, just a jarring amplification of everything. I didn't like it. So I didn't attempt to smoke another cigarette the whole time. Then, "ladies drink free" tonight so I nursed a blue moon in one hand, and let my head fill up with more music, and eventually i started to feel sick to my stomach, like my body was thirsty but really didn't want beer. but it was too loud in there and too difficult for me to track the bartender's attention to speak to them and ask for water, so I kept drinking the beer in small sips of futility. It totally harshed my mellow, and I understand what that means now, LOL. also, the intensity of the music became heavy and cloying and I had to get away, somewhere less intense. less loud and vibraty.
Finally I made my way to the restroom, where I thought I was going to throw up, and hid myself in a stall.
I waited a long time in the stall, resting my head against the metal partition. Whenever I moved my head, I felt the whole world shift around me in nauseating waves. But my body would not throw up.
Then I felt a secondary rush- and suddenly I had this... daydream that my brain was taking up certain chemicals from my spinal cord like a tree takes up water from the roots, and I imagined my brain turn into a tree, with thousands of light-leaves, and my spinal cord was like trunk and roots and spiraled down my back with these twisting light-roots, and I thought of real trees in a forest, what if they are sentient and communicated with each other through underground tangled root network systems, and then I thought, they probably do, and if all our brains are like trees no wonder we all connect through our roots, our sex, root chakra area- it sounds like the ramblings of a silly stoner I'm sure but... on the other hand, it makes a sort of sense, it's just a repeated organic idiom, there are mathematical paradigms to the development of living structures and all life stems from those paradigms, and therefore all life is connected and reflected in different permutations throughout the universe, there's so much more similarity than difference, it's very beautiful.
But I felt keenly that I should not have drank that beer. it was just giving off this spiky unpleasant energy that clashed with the mellower high.
And I couldn't take the music anymore. It was like being my eardrums were being rubbed raw- initially pleasant contact but my brain and stomach were just begging for peace and quiet. it was like the crazy dubstep/complextro soundwaves were making me physically ill. So I had to get out of there. But the floaty feeling had left my bones, and now I was back to normal muscle function and since I'd been stepping/dancing in place for what, 30 minutes to almost an hour without stopping(?) my calves had that jello-y feeling that you get after an intense step workout, belly dance or hula dance workout. that weak muscle-failure feeling. So it took me a while to get my self upright and balanced. Then the haze cleared enough for me to walk upright. I went to my car and took a little nap. I woke up every so often and checked the time, and my brain. I sweated a lot. after about two hours, i woke up with a start and my head felt -different-. Clear. Muscles and bones were still warm and relaxed, but the 'head trip' was definitely over, as it were.
For the first time, I really understood why people do this. It wasn't the best trip ever because the environment and nicotine/alcohol combinations were harsher than my brain really wanted. But it was definitely a "trip". Now, I don't intend to make this a habit at all. But I don't intend to be quite so uptight about it either, I guess. There are still only a handful of people in this valley I'd trust to smoke with. This guy I'd never smoked with before, but every time I've met him, he's kind and friendly and treats others well. He has kind of a gentle energy about him, the kind of dude who seems to be about lifting his friends up, not tearing people down and using them. So I guess I felt like he wasn't trying to put one over on me, he was genuinely trying to be nice to me by offering what he had to share that was good. When I think back...so many people have offered over the years and I've politely refused them all for so long, feeling like the stuck up asshole because now I have to put a damper on their fun by being cast as the "silently judgemental one" or not accepting their generous hospitality... I know it's not really like that but... I always feel a little guilty when someone goes to the trouble of trusting me enough to offer, and then I refuse. I wonder how it makes them feel, if they thought I was cool or trustworthy and now they're not so sure. I guess trust really has to go both ways.
I dunno. I'm not saying I'm making the best decisions right now, but the stress level around here has been ridiculous lately, the depression so heavy and the cognitive dissonance so thick, and I can't get relief through sex, I have no desire to become alcoholic, and I have no intention of touching harder chemical pill type things, but to me... I mean... this grows naturally out of the ground and I guess I'm getting old enough to see that it's... not going to hurt much as long as I stay aware of my surroundings and don't let it become a crutch, and don't let anyone start to own me with it.
But if I can be relatively responsible with it, I have no real reason to keep refusing, either. I feel legalization will probably happen in my lifetime anyway and I'm all for that.
Either way, I feel very peaceful right now and grateful for the experience. Nature's amazing, God's amazing, my brain is a tree, hahaha, woot! LOL But seriously the fact that this altered state of being even actually exists... that it wasn't just an exaggeration... is something new i will have to do some thinking about. because I can't apparently do anything without being super-nerdy about it.
