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Apr. 25th, 2012 02:36 pmI am fully back in my body today, and my everything hurts. I went out dancing last night, and the DJ was great and I cheered and jumped around but man, I missed that "weightless" feeling of the night before.
I am not as young as I used to be. Knees hurt, spine hurts, shoulders ache from raising my arms over my head and waving them around for 2 hours straight... And my body is back to craving cigarettes and getting all bitchy and headachey if I don't give it what it wants. I'm going to quit again, though. Today I've set a limit for myself of 5 cigs. I think I've been smoking an average of 5-8 a day. But I'm going to try to stick with 5. Then I'll continue in that vein till I feel like I can reduce it to 4. Then 3, then 2, then 1, then none. This takes however long it takes, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. But the stepping back until I just don't need it anymore IS going to happen, soon. I'm not going to set a hard time limit but I think around about a month or two might be all I need.
Speaking of smoking, the other kind of smoking- it's nice and all, but I don't intend to take up a habit. I don't need it, I just enjoyed it. So it's not something I intend to seek out. But by the same token, I think my attitude about it just became slightly more relaxed, so I probably won't refuse it when it's offered...well, I'll probably refuse it less. There are some people I just don't want to smoke with. Husband brought up a good point- a lot of the friends who know me now, upon learning this, may either A)lose a chunk of respect for me since I've always been that relatively straight-edge/sober friend or B)want me to smoke with them all. the. goddamn. time.
While I'm of the opinion that it's my life and I can do what I want, and those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind... I guess I do have a reputation of "uprightness" in a certain scene and it's not my intention to set a bad example for young ones or lead anyone astray. I also don't want to create drama by everyone thinking I'll smoke with them whenever, wherever because... nope. Time and place for everything. That's pretty much why I've only relaxed/smoked with people who are relatively socially isolated from my main chunk of friends here. I've been making friends in different social circles for a while, but the normal clubgoers of my "scene" just don't know them, or mix with them socially.
So... so far, my personal life doesn't have to be a hot news item. The new friends are too new to 'lose respect' for me because they haven't known me long enough to formulate an opinion on who I am, and they are the ones inviting me to share their stuff so, it's not like they can judge.
There's one long time friend I've had here in this town who is as close to a "career-stoner" as I have ever met, LOL. He's the only one out of my main circle of friends I probably would happily smoke with and trust not to spread it around. I kind of regret that my first smoking up experience here wasn't with him, but it's not like I actually went out seeking the experience, it's not like I planned it. The opportunity just presented itself and I felt like... fuck it, I'm 30 years old, and it's not like I am on track to become a CEO or President of the U.S. or whatever. Besides, the world might end this year, 2012, who knows. I'm not getting any younger and there is a lot of stuff I want to try before I die. There's no reason to keep shutting out potential expansive experiences. I feel like my 30's might be characterized by a loosening of my own internal locks, a phase of experimentation and personal searching. I might smoke up some more, I might get a tattoo, I might finally have sex again, who knows.
But that doesn't mean I'm in a hurry to do it all at once, every day. No need to lose my head about it. The universe will present all opportunities in the time that I need to learn those lessons, I'm sure. Spider medicine tells me to be patient and wait because things will inevitably fall into my web.
I am not as young as I used to be. Knees hurt, spine hurts, shoulders ache from raising my arms over my head and waving them around for 2 hours straight... And my body is back to craving cigarettes and getting all bitchy and headachey if I don't give it what it wants. I'm going to quit again, though. Today I've set a limit for myself of 5 cigs. I think I've been smoking an average of 5-8 a day. But I'm going to try to stick with 5. Then I'll continue in that vein till I feel like I can reduce it to 4. Then 3, then 2, then 1, then none. This takes however long it takes, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. But the stepping back until I just don't need it anymore IS going to happen, soon. I'm not going to set a hard time limit but I think around about a month or two might be all I need.
Speaking of smoking, the other kind of smoking- it's nice and all, but I don't intend to take up a habit. I don't need it, I just enjoyed it. So it's not something I intend to seek out. But by the same token, I think my attitude about it just became slightly more relaxed, so I probably won't refuse it when it's offered...well, I'll probably refuse it less. There are some people I just don't want to smoke with. Husband brought up a good point- a lot of the friends who know me now, upon learning this, may either A)lose a chunk of respect for me since I've always been that relatively straight-edge/sober friend or B)want me to smoke with them all. the. goddamn. time.
While I'm of the opinion that it's my life and I can do what I want, and those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind... I guess I do have a reputation of "uprightness" in a certain scene and it's not my intention to set a bad example for young ones or lead anyone astray. I also don't want to create drama by everyone thinking I'll smoke with them whenever, wherever because... nope. Time and place for everything. That's pretty much why I've only relaxed/smoked with people who are relatively socially isolated from my main chunk of friends here. I've been making friends in different social circles for a while, but the normal clubgoers of my "scene" just don't know them, or mix with them socially.
So... so far, my personal life doesn't have to be a hot news item. The new friends are too new to 'lose respect' for me because they haven't known me long enough to formulate an opinion on who I am, and they are the ones inviting me to share their stuff so, it's not like they can judge.
There's one long time friend I've had here in this town who is as close to a "career-stoner" as I have ever met, LOL. He's the only one out of my main circle of friends I probably would happily smoke with and trust not to spread it around. I kind of regret that my first smoking up experience here wasn't with him, but it's not like I actually went out seeking the experience, it's not like I planned it. The opportunity just presented itself and I felt like... fuck it, I'm 30 years old, and it's not like I am on track to become a CEO or President of the U.S. or whatever. Besides, the world might end this year, 2012, who knows. I'm not getting any younger and there is a lot of stuff I want to try before I die. There's no reason to keep shutting out potential expansive experiences. I feel like my 30's might be characterized by a loosening of my own internal locks, a phase of experimentation and personal searching. I might smoke up some more, I might get a tattoo, I might finally have sex again, who knows.
But that doesn't mean I'm in a hurry to do it all at once, every day. No need to lose my head about it. The universe will present all opportunities in the time that I need to learn those lessons, I'm sure. Spider medicine tells me to be patient and wait because things will inevitably fall into my web.
