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Nov. 3rd, 2012 11:16 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silentwatersweird feeling.
Tonight was so sad, and so hard, to see his face, to cry together because we have nothing left, and yet... I left him with a lighter heart somehow. Well, I don't know if it's "peace" or "resignation". or what.
Of course I keep playing it all over and over in my mind; my lump of brainmeat just seems to circle around these days in an endless loop of frustration, horror, disbelief, and frantic trying-to-solve-it, though I know it can't be "solved", depression, anger, acceptance, anger, depression, denial, depression...
The bottom line is, out of this night, I learned two things:
1. I will always love him
2. I am better off without him, for some values of "better off"
I don't know how I feel about either of those, since a)I have not changed my mind about the divorce and don't intend to ever take him back and make him a part of my life again once I can finally close the book on this story- and b)I don't WANT to be okay without him because I am heartbroken and I believe he actually is my soulmate, even though we're done for this lifetime. But there are things between us now; things in his mental and emotional makeup, some issues he's just starting to deal with, and a river of hurt between us... expectations and disappointments, excuses, denial (i hate using that word just now because someone else told him he's in denial and I think he is but not in the way they meant.)
I think in the afterlife, in a perfect cosmic environment of love and light and spiritual beings, we will meet again someday with joy. But for this lifetime... I'm not going to stay married to a... man like him. Human life is too short and there are other things on this planet I wanted to do while I'm here. He had his chance to be the kind of man I want to stay with forever, but he exhausted me, ignored me, pushed me away, and ultimately allowed himself to fall into a bad situation, which he doggedly pursued when I tried to call him on it, in a sort of "fuck you, I'll do what I want" move.
Well he's real sorry about it now. But he blew it, big time. He proved himself to be someone I'm going to have to watch, and worry about, and bash my head against the wall over, and oh-my-god-the-PATHOS, and I just... can't anymore. My elastic is broken. He used up all his spoons with me. I love his soul and I always will. But the person he let himself become, the parts of him that are ego and meatsack and very much involved in samsara and the here and now, are...too fucked up now. He's put himself beyond my help. I have done everything I can for him, it is too much to ask for me to continue to associate my life with a criminal and bear the shame and disapproval of the whole world bearing down on us and possibly kill my career on top of it, and it's nice to give platitudes like Love conquers All and whatnot, but you know? Love conquers cancer. Love conquers, you're-being-an-asshole-tonight-but-I-forgive-you-in-the-morning. Love conquers I-know-I'll-never-get-to-be-a-mommy-because-you're-sterile-and-impotent-and-never-wanted-kids-anyway. Love conquers we-haven't-had-sex-in-3-years.
Love wears thin when daily life is a pressure cooker of shame, regret, financial hardship, unhappiness, and feelings of being trapped. Oh and crime, and impending courtroom drama that he himself squarely earned with his own stupidity, and I'm sorry but I have done NOTHING to deserve going down with that fucking ship. Just... Fuck, man. Really? REALLY?
I was too ashamed to ever tell him this, but I had a dream once that he raped me in front of a crowd in a circus tent, and when he was done I had to get up from the dirt and wave and smile to the crowd and pretend to everyone that it was just an act and I actually liked it.
...if that doesn't say it all, I don't know what does.
That horrible dream is a glitch that's lurking somewhere in my psyche- a nugget of real pain, that is hard to define or unpack or deal with without accusing him of things that are completely unfair, without leading to poisonous spew. And I see in his face that he's got those kind of pain nuggets hiding in his soul about me too, probably. Probably along the lines of "why did you abandon me for the world? Why did you stop caring about me and go out and love everyone else?" And this just means we've hurt each other a lot over the years, certainly as much as we've brought each other joy, and it's too deep, and it's too much now.
But it seems we love each other enough to let each other go because this is so fucking painful, being together. If we can't be together... then we at least want each other to be happy.
It's so weird. It's too weird. Our whole world is fucked sideways, it will never be the same again. And yet, like he said last night, it's still easier to talk to me than to anyone else.
We're still here for each other, even though we're not here for each other.
It's the saddest, yet oddly comforting knowledge...
In a really fucked up way, this whole situation, more than any other experience in my life, has convinced me of the truth that soulmates DO exist, and that he is mine and I am his. It doesn't mean we have to be in love with each other at all times. It doesn't mean we have to even be together physically. It doesn't mean we couldn't share pleasant companionship with other people. None of that even matters. It just means that even if we can't be together, some part of us will always have a direct spiritual link. That could even be a bad, energy-draining thing for the rest of our lives. But it's there, and there's nothing either of us can fucking do about it. It just is.
Tonight was so sad, and so hard, to see his face, to cry together because we have nothing left, and yet... I left him with a lighter heart somehow. Well, I don't know if it's "peace" or "resignation". or what.
Of course I keep playing it all over and over in my mind; my lump of brainmeat just seems to circle around these days in an endless loop of frustration, horror, disbelief, and frantic trying-to-solve-it, though I know it can't be "solved", depression, anger, acceptance, anger, depression, denial, depression...
The bottom line is, out of this night, I learned two things:
1. I will always love him
2. I am better off without him, for some values of "better off"
I don't know how I feel about either of those, since a)I have not changed my mind about the divorce and don't intend to ever take him back and make him a part of my life again once I can finally close the book on this story- and b)I don't WANT to be okay without him because I am heartbroken and I believe he actually is my soulmate, even though we're done for this lifetime. But there are things between us now; things in his mental and emotional makeup, some issues he's just starting to deal with, and a river of hurt between us... expectations and disappointments, excuses, denial (i hate using that word just now because someone else told him he's in denial and I think he is but not in the way they meant.)
I think in the afterlife, in a perfect cosmic environment of love and light and spiritual beings, we will meet again someday with joy. But for this lifetime... I'm not going to stay married to a... man like him. Human life is too short and there are other things on this planet I wanted to do while I'm here. He had his chance to be the kind of man I want to stay with forever, but he exhausted me, ignored me, pushed me away, and ultimately allowed himself to fall into a bad situation, which he doggedly pursued when I tried to call him on it, in a sort of "fuck you, I'll do what I want" move.
Well he's real sorry about it now. But he blew it, big time. He proved himself to be someone I'm going to have to watch, and worry about, and bash my head against the wall over, and oh-my-god-the-PATHOS, and I just... can't anymore. My elastic is broken. He used up all his spoons with me. I love his soul and I always will. But the person he let himself become, the parts of him that are ego and meatsack and very much involved in samsara and the here and now, are...too fucked up now. He's put himself beyond my help. I have done everything I can for him, it is too much to ask for me to continue to associate my life with a criminal and bear the shame and disapproval of the whole world bearing down on us and possibly kill my career on top of it, and it's nice to give platitudes like Love conquers All and whatnot, but you know? Love conquers cancer. Love conquers, you're-being-an-asshole-tonight-but-I-forgive-you-in-the-morning. Love conquers I-know-I'll-never-get-to-be-a-mommy-because-you're-sterile-and-impotent-and-never-wanted-kids-anyway. Love conquers we-haven't-had-sex-in-3-years.
Love wears thin when daily life is a pressure cooker of shame, regret, financial hardship, unhappiness, and feelings of being trapped. Oh and crime, and impending courtroom drama that he himself squarely earned with his own stupidity, and I'm sorry but I have done NOTHING to deserve going down with that fucking ship. Just... Fuck, man. Really? REALLY?
I was too ashamed to ever tell him this, but I had a dream once that he raped me in front of a crowd in a circus tent, and when he was done I had to get up from the dirt and wave and smile to the crowd and pretend to everyone that it was just an act and I actually liked it.
...if that doesn't say it all, I don't know what does.
That horrible dream is a glitch that's lurking somewhere in my psyche- a nugget of real pain, that is hard to define or unpack or deal with without accusing him of things that are completely unfair, without leading to poisonous spew. And I see in his face that he's got those kind of pain nuggets hiding in his soul about me too, probably. Probably along the lines of "why did you abandon me for the world? Why did you stop caring about me and go out and love everyone else?" And this just means we've hurt each other a lot over the years, certainly as much as we've brought each other joy, and it's too deep, and it's too much now.
But it seems we love each other enough to let each other go because this is so fucking painful, being together. If we can't be together... then we at least want each other to be happy.
It's so weird. It's too weird. Our whole world is fucked sideways, it will never be the same again. And yet, like he said last night, it's still easier to talk to me than to anyone else.
We're still here for each other, even though we're not here for each other.
It's the saddest, yet oddly comforting knowledge...
In a really fucked up way, this whole situation, more than any other experience in my life, has convinced me of the truth that soulmates DO exist, and that he is mine and I am his. It doesn't mean we have to be in love with each other at all times. It doesn't mean we have to even be together physically. It doesn't mean we couldn't share pleasant companionship with other people. None of that even matters. It just means that even if we can't be together, some part of us will always have a direct spiritual link. That could even be a bad, energy-draining thing for the rest of our lives. But it's there, and there's nothing either of us can fucking do about it. It just is.
