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Jun. 27th, 2012 01:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silentwatersugh. I am so ugly it hurts.
just when I start to look in the mirror and be able to be satisfied with my stature and what my body CAN do and how I CAN dress it, instead of what I can't do and what I should never wear... a bunch of my fucking friends tag me in a bunch of pictures on facebook and I'm like, oh god, is that what I really look like from the outside? Hideous!
I'm amazed that people even are friends with me sometimes. Even more amazed that any men ever show me attention. People tell me I'm pretty sometimes, or that I have a "pretty face" which, I'm sure compared to the rest of me is true, but it is... ridiculously hard to believe them about any of it.
Most of the time I try just to accept that I'll always be the ugly duckling and not let it stop me or immobilize me. So you're fat and on a scale of 1-10 you're probably like a 2.5. Whatever. You're alive, you're relatively healthy, you have all your limbs, you're not blind deaf or dumb, get the fuck over it, and for fucks sake don't appear to be needy or insecure about it around anyone, everyone's got enough of their own fucking problems to deal with, bootstrap your own damn ego and continue to work hard and pursue your goals with single-minded determination. So you're not pretty, at least you can be "interesting". Maybe your physical appearance will slow you down or keep you from working with shallow douchebags but the people who appreciate talent will notice you and work with you anyway. Make people laugh and smile, make them feel good about themselves, maybe they won't notice your shortcomings as much.
I know it's not everybody's genetic destiny to be beautiful, and I know I've sinned against my body for years and deserve every pound of fat I wear, I just sometimes wish I was... thin enough to dance and actually look as amazing as the music makes me feel on the inside. Fit enough to learn stilt walking like I've always wanted, and other athletic/acrobatic things like I used to do when I was younger. I wish I was light enough to learn to shuffle and do free running and whatnot. I can't hula hoop for shit. I can't spin fire. I am too big to look really graceful doing any of the "flow arts". But I used to be a goddamn whiz on the jungle gym when I was a kid. I was good at running up and down canted balance beam elements, I could do chin-ups when I was like 6, I was always the kid climbing up to the very tip top of the playground equipment, flipping over and hanging upside down, etc. Going inside from recess with my hands and elbows smelling like metallic monkey bars. Then somewhere around age 10 everything started to change. Kinda wish my mom had put me in gymnastics instead of my sister who gave it up because she was "bored". But hindsight's 20/20, yeah?
Now I feel totally embarrassed to even try to do athletic things in front of people. I don't want them to see my jump, I hate when my body jiggles, I hate my stupid boobs bouncing, I hate not feeling as surefooted as I used to be; even though my internal sense of balance is still pretty good, my size makes me clumsy. I can't squeeze through narrow openings or sit on narrow bike seats without them disappearing into my ginormous ass and I'm too big for normal sized wetsuits and I am mortified to wear a swimsuit in public now and swimming used to be a big deal to me, one of my most enjoyed sports. I kicked ass on swim team and everything. But who needs to see my great white thunder thighs? No one. I am doing the world a favor by never appearing poolside these days. Sucks because where I live there are a shit ton of awesome pool parties all the time, I'm always getting invited and I'm always figuring out a way to politely decline.
My siblings and I used to BEG our mom for pool passes to the city swimming pool in the park in the summer when we were kids. Sometimes she'd splurge on a roll of day pass tickets, and we practically lived there till they were all used up. Today I could go swimming for free any day of the week, but I just... won't.
I wish I could wear clothes that fit both my body and my desired "style". I wish I could get promo photoshoots done that make people go, oh wow, I don't know who she is but I want to know more about that girl.
Instead I look at photos of me and go oh wow when did my jawline get that chubby and square? My hands are blocky and square too. fuck I look more like my dad every day. I love my dad, but I wish I resembled my mom more physically. She aged fairly gracefully even though she thinks she didn't. And she always has had feminine hands with graceful fingers and nice nails. Mine grow in flat and square, nothing I have ever been able to do about it. I file them into a round shape but they break and split.
Ugh.
And I'm not even going to talk about my horrible boobs. Until I die. And then me and God are gonna have a little talk. Which is probably going to go like,
Me: "God, I'm sure you made me a woman for a reason. Would it have been too much to ask to give me a fairly average 6-8 size female body with nice, normal set of boobs like every other woman on the planet instead of these stupid droopy cone shaped ones? I'm not talking supermodel here but did physical beauty really have to be my dump stat?"
God: "Well you were playing the game on "advanced player" settings this time around and you had some tough lessons in store for yourself; don't you think having all the cheat codes would be unfair? I mean to make sure you stuck to the curriculum We couldn't have you running off to just go be a stripper or porn star making easy money to get out of it, you ASKED for wisdom, remember? And didn't it work? Don't you feel wiser? And how bout that sense of humor, three times its original size, eh? EHHHH?" *God elbows me in the ribs good-naturedly*
Me: "....Dangit, I hate when you're right, God."
God: "I Love you too, child."
just when I start to look in the mirror and be able to be satisfied with my stature and what my body CAN do and how I CAN dress it, instead of what I can't do and what I should never wear... a bunch of my fucking friends tag me in a bunch of pictures on facebook and I'm like, oh god, is that what I really look like from the outside? Hideous!
I'm amazed that people even are friends with me sometimes. Even more amazed that any men ever show me attention. People tell me I'm pretty sometimes, or that I have a "pretty face" which, I'm sure compared to the rest of me is true, but it is... ridiculously hard to believe them about any of it.
Most of the time I try just to accept that I'll always be the ugly duckling and not let it stop me or immobilize me. So you're fat and on a scale of 1-10 you're probably like a 2.5. Whatever. You're alive, you're relatively healthy, you have all your limbs, you're not blind deaf or dumb, get the fuck over it, and for fucks sake don't appear to be needy or insecure about it around anyone, everyone's got enough of their own fucking problems to deal with, bootstrap your own damn ego and continue to work hard and pursue your goals with single-minded determination. So you're not pretty, at least you can be "interesting". Maybe your physical appearance will slow you down or keep you from working with shallow douchebags but the people who appreciate talent will notice you and work with you anyway. Make people laugh and smile, make them feel good about themselves, maybe they won't notice your shortcomings as much.
I know it's not everybody's genetic destiny to be beautiful, and I know I've sinned against my body for years and deserve every pound of fat I wear, I just sometimes wish I was... thin enough to dance and actually look as amazing as the music makes me feel on the inside. Fit enough to learn stilt walking like I've always wanted, and other athletic/acrobatic things like I used to do when I was younger. I wish I was light enough to learn to shuffle and do free running and whatnot. I can't hula hoop for shit. I can't spin fire. I am too big to look really graceful doing any of the "flow arts". But I used to be a goddamn whiz on the jungle gym when I was a kid. I was good at running up and down canted balance beam elements, I could do chin-ups when I was like 6, I was always the kid climbing up to the very tip top of the playground equipment, flipping over and hanging upside down, etc. Going inside from recess with my hands and elbows smelling like metallic monkey bars. Then somewhere around age 10 everything started to change. Kinda wish my mom had put me in gymnastics instead of my sister who gave it up because she was "bored". But hindsight's 20/20, yeah?
Now I feel totally embarrassed to even try to do athletic things in front of people. I don't want them to see my jump, I hate when my body jiggles, I hate my stupid boobs bouncing, I hate not feeling as surefooted as I used to be; even though my internal sense of balance is still pretty good, my size makes me clumsy. I can't squeeze through narrow openings or sit on narrow bike seats without them disappearing into my ginormous ass and I'm too big for normal sized wetsuits and I am mortified to wear a swimsuit in public now and swimming used to be a big deal to me, one of my most enjoyed sports. I kicked ass on swim team and everything. But who needs to see my great white thunder thighs? No one. I am doing the world a favor by never appearing poolside these days. Sucks because where I live there are a shit ton of awesome pool parties all the time, I'm always getting invited and I'm always figuring out a way to politely decline.
My siblings and I used to BEG our mom for pool passes to the city swimming pool in the park in the summer when we were kids. Sometimes she'd splurge on a roll of day pass tickets, and we practically lived there till they were all used up. Today I could go swimming for free any day of the week, but I just... won't.
I wish I could wear clothes that fit both my body and my desired "style". I wish I could get promo photoshoots done that make people go, oh wow, I don't know who she is but I want to know more about that girl.
Instead I look at photos of me and go oh wow when did my jawline get that chubby and square? My hands are blocky and square too. fuck I look more like my dad every day. I love my dad, but I wish I resembled my mom more physically. She aged fairly gracefully even though she thinks she didn't. And she always has had feminine hands with graceful fingers and nice nails. Mine grow in flat and square, nothing I have ever been able to do about it. I file them into a round shape but they break and split.
Ugh.
And I'm not even going to talk about my horrible boobs. Until I die. And then me and God are gonna have a little talk. Which is probably going to go like,
Me: "God, I'm sure you made me a woman for a reason. Would it have been too much to ask to give me a fairly average 6-8 size female body with nice, normal set of boobs like every other woman on the planet instead of these stupid droopy cone shaped ones? I'm not talking supermodel here but did physical beauty really have to be my dump stat?"
God: "Well you were playing the game on "advanced player" settings this time around and you had some tough lessons in store for yourself; don't you think having all the cheat codes would be unfair? I mean to make sure you stuck to the curriculum We couldn't have you running off to just go be a stripper or porn star making easy money to get out of it, you ASKED for wisdom, remember? And didn't it work? Don't you feel wiser? And how bout that sense of humor, three times its original size, eh? EHHHH?" *God elbows me in the ribs good-naturedly*
Me: "....Dangit, I hate when you're right, God."
God: "I Love you too, child."
