would you kiss me like you used to?

[silentwaters]

I need you...
...to stroke my hair and gaze into my eyes...
...to kiss me...playfully and lovingly but also deeply and hotly... kiss me like you really want me... remind me that I'm still a woman and you're still my man...
...touch me... i know it's hot outside but sometime I just ache to feel your skin on mine... i love when you hold me until I fall asleep...
...take me.... even if it doesn't go anywhere... i miss the journeys I used to take with you even more than the destination... I have toys and hands and porn to give me the O I need, but ...there are paths I can't walk alone. There are times I just wish you would share the fun with me.
paint me with strawberries, let me blindfold you and tease you with feathers or ice, spend an intimate hour without ever touching my pussy, if you can... those things can be fun in and of themselves, you know?...
if you really still want me for life... if you really mean what you say.... can you help me believe it?

I want to believe... but I know we are potentially facing down perhaps another 40-60 years of sexless marriage, and I'm not sure it's wise to commit to that. That way only lies heartbreak. Please..... I am too young to commend myself to a nun-like state of existance. I work really hard on pushing my need for love to expand, and relax, and include everyone on earth and take that unfulfilled internal hunger for connection and turn it outward into expressions of compassion and love for everyone I meet- I try to help myself be satisfied with that. It's been critical in helping me manage my lonliness without you for years. I hope that my spiritual evolution might eventually lead me to a place of zen-like radiant love, always being connected to The Source of Universal Love and letting its current flowing through me feed whatever emptiness I have before flowing outward to all the people in the world who still need it.
But I'm not there yet. I'm not perfect. I still have... the desire for personal love too.

I know we have certain limitations, but... I need to know we can work around them and still have some sort of satisfying intimate life. I need it. I think you do too. I think we've been lazy.
I don't know how to say this to your face, but it's been tearing me apart for months, and I often cry when I'm alone in the car hearing love songs that I can't relate to anymore because I'm starving and I don't want to be pushed to infidelity to meet my barest of needs... it is breaking my heart, I don't know what to do anymore.
I don't know when it's okay to touch you, and when it's not okay. I don't want to push you and I am trying to be good... I've been so good! I am angry at God and it's not Her fault, probably there's just some greater design or lesson here and I am just having trouble seeing the forest for the trees... I am not angry at you and I love you so much and I understand on many levels and I am trying to be very mature and just suck it up. And I am. I mean, I have been. But I'm... I feel like a desert without rain. And that's been the main motif of our relationship. I thought it was justified to wait when we were apart. But now that you're here, I still have to wait for the stars to align just right to have your intimate love. I still wait months inbetween.
You've had your past, you've sowed your oats, but for me... this is all there is, all I've ever wanted. And it's not happening. And it's not fair. Not that I expect life to be fair, but jesus, I've worked so hard and waited so long for this, you think the universe would... give me a fair shake on this one little thing. It's so small. And yet so important, when I think about actually saying "I Do.", for real. When I think about words like "forever" and "till death do us part".
It makes me fall into such despair.

I just... like I said I know we have our limits. And I know there isn't a whole lot we can do, medically. And I love you and I don't want to leave. I don't! I don't want to seek someone else. It's hard for me to put my heart into two people at once. And I don't want sex without love, I don't want just random fucking (although when I get horny enough I swear I do, and it doesn't matter with whom, as long as they'll just pound me into next Tuesday, but then that feeling only lasts like 15 minutes and then I've come and I feel more depressed than before, and I just have to chalk all the swirling emotion up to natural hormones doing their irritating hormone-thing inside me, and I try to brace myself and just let my rational brain regain control of my thought processes). The weight of all we've been through together, and all the years and all the good times and all the times you've been there for me and all the things I know we could still accomplish together- how can I give that up? How could I act like it's all meaningless? Anyone who came into my life after you at this point could never hope to connect as deeply with me as you. All I could have with them would be a mere shadow of this love that still takes my breath away, that still fills me with desire for you every day. Worthless, like sentencing myself to eat margarine and Splenda for the rest of my life instead of real butter and real sugar.
That's no real alternative.

So you see I'm.... stuck. Catch 22. I want more intimacy, but I only want it from you. And is that not right? Is that not... kind of the point, of devoting one's life to a person... did I miss the memo somewhere along the way that said "Polyamory: All the cool kids are doing it!"
No. I saw that memo and it didn't appeal to me. That's just not how I roll. If you're going to stick your penis in me, I demand the price of your being involved in my life at a social and emotional level, as well as a sexual level.
I've always asked that price and I've always gotten it, and I don't think that's asking too much. That's what I need in trade and the social marketplace still bears it. You've always given it to me- you've been there for me- you've paid that price, you have invested in me, and I would like to honor my side of the deal, and reward you for your equity. I want to be loyal to you.
I guess that's rare these days, but... it's just how I feel.

But in being loyal to you, I am now giving up a deep part of myself that has to be constantly locked away, shushed and smothered down so as not to make anyone uncomfortable.
That was not part of the original deal and I know you're probably as unhappy about it as I am.
I'm just at a loss for what our options are, if there are any.
I don't know what to do. I'm less experienced than you, and I know that. I also know if I start seeking another sexual partner, along with that new intimacy is going to come the desire to be loyal to *them* and/or the painful cognitive dissonance that I am not being loyal to you anymore. Eventually there will be a heart-breaking schism and I will have to choose... I will have to pack up my heart and move. No one likes playing second fiddle and I can't be in two places at once. I need one man to devote my energy to. So far, I've chosen you, and you've desired that, and I am happy that you desire me.

So...Where do we go from here?
Well... I'm a big girl and I can handle myself most of the time. And I do. handle myself. most of the time. *lol*
but... it seems like along with the evaporating orgasm, everything else has dried up too- the intimate foreplay, the flirting, the feeling that we're hot for each other at all. we're comfy, and loving, and yes! I want that. But... I need to know you think of me as more that a couch-snuggle-buddy. I think I need to do more to remind you that I still think you're really hot stuff. I know it's mutually hard for us to believe that of each other, given our current physical conditions... but I still see that spark inside that draws me to you... you are still who I want, no matter the condition of the skin you're wearing. Like I said earlier... I want to believe. I think we've been lazy.
Let's... try to work on that.
or something.
please.
...kiss me like you used to...