trust

we've been having a lot of good sex this past week, and I've been feeling very close with him. Then I fell asleep for a nap this afternoon and had a disturbing dream:
dreamt we were in a room or courtyard that was built for a lot of action. A lot was going on. The floor was built up with dirt levels, hills, and pits kind of like a motocross course, but human-travel scale, like for footpaths, and it was still under construction, some trails were paved and some were not. The first part of the dream was me and Mr. Man trying to go through the entrance together but he was on a segway or like… foot-powered scooter or something, and had footwear on- but it limited his turning radius and speed, and he was not as agile as me (I was on foot). Also, there were two entrances side by side- a human-scale door, where the formal paved path began (but it disappeared behind a dirt hill and was unfinished from there), and just next to it, a giant open hangar-door scale… wide open space. but just in front of it was a pit and some terraced pathways that weren't easy to just "walk in" to this giant gaping hole. He was trying to enter through the human-scale door on the proper path, but his lack of agility didn't mix with the sharp corners / brokenness of the path ahead, and 3 times he got turned back and had to exit the room and try again. Whereas I got frustrated and just took off my shoes and entered through the hanger door gap, jumping over the first pit, and landing on a dirt ledge next to the path. (we'd intended to go through the door together, like we do when he holds my hand everywhere we go, but only one person at a time could fit through it, especially with his segway taking up all the width his body didn't.) The entrance I took was so big and easy, there was just a little bit of challenge right when you jumped in, but with my bare feet I had better traction and a smaller turning radius. True, I had to watch out for loose gravel and sharp rocks but I knew I would have just as good a chance as any to survive this twisty turny course. I was trying to convince Mr. Man to lose the segway and his special boots and just do like me. But He was frustratingly not listening to me, letting his pride get in the way, and also he kind of looked down on me for being barefoot. I think he knew I was right though, and he was going to follow me…
… scene change. Now this room/hangar/courtyard thing was a busy bazaar full of people and bustling areas. There was a U-shaped configuration of furniture, like a big chair, then a couch, then another side chair or loveseat, around a coffee table, as if we were at a VIP table at a nightclub. Mr. Man was sitting opposite me - we were in the smaller chairs on either short end of the table. The long side, and the long couch, was occupied by a very wealthy, powerful old man, in his underwear. He was an associate of Mr. Man's. They were speaking to each other in a foreign language, and I thought it was about me. Mr. Man was telling him, something in his tone a mixture of warning and pleading, "Don't…", while the old man was like, "Psh, of course I will, she will like it, watch:"
And he reached over and pulled me to him, grabbed a fistful of my hair from the back of my head and shoved my face into his crotch, spreading his legs wide and raising them up in the air. My eyes went wide with shock- he was wearing tighty-whities and only brought my nose within about an inch of actually touching the bulge in the cotton fabric, but I didn't know the content of their previous conversation and I did not think it was safe to resist or struggle. The old man laughed, and said something like, "you like what you smell, girl? Smell it, take a whiff…" Mr. Man kind of laughed too, but it sounded thin, and I couldn't see his eyes from where I was and I couldn't tell what he really thought. The man's crotch smelled musty, like... penis & schweaty balls, like you'd expect. I mean, what do you want? It wasn't terribly off-putting, it was just natural human male smell, like you'd find at the end of the day if he had showered that morning and walked around all day. Genital scent, when I have smelled it on a lover, is different for every man, but it's kind of the same, too. It doesn't bother me; in fact it can be a turn on, but only when I truly care about/desire the man himself. For this man, I felt nothing, so the smell meant nothing. "What does it smell like?" he demanded. "Like… a man…" I answered kind of flatly. He laughed again. "You see?" he was saying to Mr. Man, as if to prove some kind of point. Mr. Man didn't do anything, did not hop up to save me or get me away from the old goat. I thought he might be afraid to contradict this wealthy guy because we needed his help, or we were in a dangerous situation, or something. His face was unreadable, as if we both knew what was happening but were completely stymied from communicating about it in this moment. I knew what was likely to happen and I didn't know if Mr. Man wanted/planned this, or didn't want this, but either way he wasn't going to stop it, he was just going to watch me do... whatever I did.
My hand ended up on the man's bulge, I think because I was partially trying to push myself up, and if sexual things were going to happen, I didn't want to give him my mouth or my pussy. He relaxed his grip on me as I gripped him harder. I ended up giving him a sort of… hand job, I guess, though it didn't seem to take very long and went in kind of fast-motion. At the end it was all jumbled up- he came all over my hand, or he didn't come and I pulled away leaving him unsatisfied. His cum seeped through the fabric or he wasn't wearing any underwear or he didn't cum at all or the underwear he was wearing was clear/seethrough and my hand was just inside it with the splooge kind of frozen in 3-D against the invisible fabric. This "scene" was very weird and all mixed together, I don't know how to explain it. Mr. Man had watched us silently the whole time. I had done what I had to do to get us through this dangerous social negotiation, and no more, but I didn't know if he would think less of me now. I still wanted only him, I only had eyes for him, only desire for him… I hoped he knew that. This act was meaningless to me. I didn't have time to worry about that, though- The old man's head lolled back with pleasure, and when he looked up at me, it was with new appreciation in his eyes. He was very attracted to me, I could tell. "My dear, you and I should really make some… more time for sex together…alone…" he suggested. "We would have a lovely time…"
I could tell from his energy field that he was right to believe that- we had some compatibility of spirit, so having sex with him would probably… not be so bad. We might have fun. I just really wasn't interested and couldn't believe his nerve, asking me to make trysts with him in front of my husband (in this dream we were married). I mean seriously, what the fuck was going on here?

"Oh, you know, that's very sweet of you to suggest, but I really… " I looked over at Mr. Man pointedly, "…just am not able to right now." I smoothed my hand over his cheek sweetly, and caressed his shirt collar / chest/shoulder as I rose. "…But if anything changes about my situation, I'll definitely let you know."
We smiled at each other sweetly. The old man saw the look in my eye and I felt that he now genuinely did respect me as a lady. He was sad that I rejected him, but took it with grace. Mr. Man and I rose and left the old man. I was satisfied that I had put my foot down and gotten us out of this without further incident. I was kind of proud of myself for setting a boundary and reminding myself of what I was capable of on my own, but I felt confused as to why I had to be the one to do it- I expected Mr. Man to… I don't know, step up, or something. But he didn't.

As we walked, I wondered if this had all been a test, somehow staged. Did Mr. Man harbor a cuckold fantasy of some kind and not tell me to make it more "real"? Was he jealous and waiting for me to slip up to prove something to himself? Were we over-leveraged with this old dude, and *I* was the price we were paying? I didn't know. I figured I had survived the moment with, uhm, most of my honor in tact but… there was the hand job. I wanted to apologize to Mr. Man about it, but I didn't know if he hated me for it or understood, if it was his plan all along. I wondered if he trusted me. I wished I could communicate to him my honest feelings about how I really wanted him. It wasn't that I am incorruptible, or beyond the sway of seduction- I'm still a human woman with an active sex drive and I can be turned on by lots of people and scenarios - but continually, over-archingly, renewably, I only want him. I want Mr. Man. I hoped he knew that.

As we walked, the scene was kind of like an outdoor mall at night. We came across a young tree lying on the floor, like the saplings you find in a nursery in a black plastic pot, ready to plant in your yard… the black dirt was spilling out as the container rolled sideways on the ground, making a mess on the concrete. I went to go try and pick it up or salvage it, thinking I was gonna save it for my fucked-up friend (I'll call her Lacey) but Mr. Man stopped me or… because he was there, I couldn't fix it or pick it up. It was a $500 tree, apparently. I was frustrated. People were milling around the sidewalks / courtyard, walking over it.
I was thinking how great it would be, if I could just save that tree and give it to my friend to grow for her, but Mr. Man was talking about how stupid it was to pay $500 for a fucking tree and who the fuck does shit like that, etc. and that he wouldn't spend his money on it, that's for damn sure…
I was sad, and said something like, "well… yeah I mean it doesn't make any sense for broke people like us to buy that tree, we have so little money/can't afford it right now, but… I mean if I made a lot of money, if money was no object--"
"Even if I made a LOT of money!" He cut me off. "It's stupid, paying $500 for a fucking tree. What the fuck. Ridiculous." He gave a snort of derision and walked away.
I was kind of heartbroken, because I hadn't even been talking about the tree, I was thinking that if I made a lot of money, if money was no object, then of course, I would have no problem helping all my destitute friends.
He didn't see it that way at all.
I was left wondering if *I* trusted *him* now, and I suddenly felt very angry, then tried to channel that into something more positive, my thoughts going into survival-mode. I was going to try and come up with a way that we could both feel like we were equitably contributing to the household and teaming up to make ourselves financially stable, while still retaining a good chunk of our respective incomes to do with as we pleased, because I thought, I'll be damned if I'm gonna be held accountable to a heartless man for every penny of my own money that I spend. I told him that we needed to have a talk about money.
He turned around and waited for me to explain my plan to him, but we were in such a noisy distracting place, and I didn't want to try and talk about it here.
"Let's wait till we get home, and we'll talk about it there," I said. "Okay," he agreed, and he took my hand and we walked on.

Then I woke up.

This dream troubles me a lot, because it speaks of a lot of trust issues, in the midst of a time when I've been feeling very close to him.
I really have forgiven him / decided to accept him for who he is, over that incident with "Lacey" the other week. Our relationship has felt on a pretty even keel for this last week and a half or so. His young cousin came to visit us for a few days from 'the old country', and we had a good time together, showing him around our town that has a lot of interesting touristy things to do. When the cousin was here, we had some hot "silent sex" and after the cousin left we've been having hot not-so-silent sex, LOL. Twice in one day, yesterday, even! lol... And we've been doing low-key, domestic things together this weekend, just relaxing and kickin' it, getting our lives in order, etc.
We're financially stressed but there are no old men or rich powerful men on the horizon anywhere in our social circle that would have triggered this kind of dream. I've never fantasized about cuckolding him, and the idea makes me feel kind of queasy. He doesn't seem to be the kind of man would put up with that or get off on that. He's very "manly" or… "alpha" or something, in his own way, I guess. I've met lots of different kinds of kinky people, and lots of men, and I think about the psychology of sex a lot, and… I'm just saying, Mr. Man doesn't present much of an enjoyment for being submissive on the level that cuckolding requires. If he was really into it, I'd try to open my mind to it more, I guess, for his sake. If I knew/trusted that he'd have an achingly good orgasm / mental high off of watching me get plowed by some other man, I'd… feel funny about it, but I might be convinced to do it FOR HIM. (I don't know, though, maybe not. My ex-husband all but practically pushed me into other men's arms to relieve himself of the pressure of performing with me, and I was so starved for so long that I almost considered actual cheating, but I never did. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. But it also wasn't a scenario where I thought it was what he truly wanted, I just felt like he was pushing his responsibility for intimacy with me off on other people, rather than trying to win me/soften me/be there for me himself. Maybe if I felt truly secure in a relationship, and I was convinced that my partner would feel more fulfilled/closer to me… it would feel different. I'm the kind of person who would go to great lengths or perform lots of mental gymnastics to keep my partner happy. I'm just not naturally prone to cheating.)
But I don't believe that is what Mr. Man wants at all. He makes me feel like I'm "his" woman, and even though I know I'm free and sentient unto myself and no one will ever "own" me, I'm... okay with feeling like I'm "his woman"; we both enjoy that dynamic. He's pretty much all that is male, and I'm all that is female, and we're… both satisfied with that, and not because we haven't thought about pushing our … I don't know, Kinsey scale orientation, or whatever you want to call it, but we HAVE questioned it and found what we really like and we're pleased to live that way.
I like being in a relationship with a man who makes me feel like… he desires me for who I am and who I want to be, and I think he likes it the same way, but on his side of things. So to me that's mutual consent and mutual respect and it's a healthy thing. If one of us desired a change in our power-dynamic, in or outside of the bedroom, I think we're honest enough to communicate about it; I just haven't seen any markers for either of us that this fetish would psychologically appeal to.
(err, my mild, purely physical fantasy about double penetration not withstanding-- and that has nothing to do with power and everything to do with physical sensation- I just like feeling "filled up"; honestly I'd be fine with him and a dildo, or two dildos and no man- but frankly to me it's not about what the guy(s) are thinking at all, but about how I'm feeling, and because that's so selfish/self-centered, I find it mildly embarrassing and it's something I relegate to masturbatory fantasy only. I've never lived it out, or tried to, and I'm okay with that. The idea of another man taking me in front of my committed partner and making him feel… "cuckolded" is an entirely different set of complex psychology that never really enters into my simple physical fantasy. I don't get off on embarrassing or humiliating other people, especially people I love and am committed to. Just... ugh.)

So this… scenario in my dream was weird all around.
I don't know. I don't know what that is supposed to mean. Maybe it meant nothing. Maybe it's just a leftover jumble of issues my subconscious is residually working through. Now that I'm awake I don't actually feel this apprehensive about Mr. Man.