Apr. 25th, 2014

silentwaters: (silent)
so my spine is full of fucked up problems. The other night when we came home, we were both exhausted. He had already eaten but stopped to get me food before picking me up from work. So when we got in the door, he trod upstairs to shed clothing and get horizontal. I sat on the couch with my box of takeout, to eat because I'd had an extra long day at work, and was tired, hungry, and in shoulder/back pain, but the hunger was winning out at the moment. I told him I'd come join him, but I dozed off after eating instead of leaving the couch, one survival necessity overtaking the other as soon as it was sated.

By the time I finally dragged my half-asleep arse upstairs to bed, he was already asleep. I stripped and crawled in beside him. He made a subconscious murmur of acknowledgement and sleepily opened his arm closest to me, like raising a protective wing, to let me snuggle close and lay my head on his chest. I spent a moment adjusting my head on him, with my cheek on his pectoral pad and the crown of my head resting just beneath his beard. I'm always a little self-conscious about this because I think my hair tickles his face, but I can only smooth it down and hope he's not too annoyed. His warmth and scent were reassuring, but once he felt me stop moving, he also made this little motion that… wasn't quite a hug because he was basically asleep, but he like… nuzzled the top of my head with his beard as if to welcome me there, and settle us both into an intimate sleeping pose with his local gravity. He expected me there, wanted me there.

It struck me for a moment- in contrast, my ex, the man I trusted with my life and loved without question- I spent so much time avoiding touching him when he was asleep, because he made it clear he didn't want to be- if I snuggled near him when he was asleep, I was liable to startle him into grouchy half-wakefulness, or get shouldered away, or pushed/elbowed sleepily out of his space. He hated being hot or warm or feeling touched or bothered in his sleep. We only ever fell asleep entwined together when it was his idea. Especially after the cancer treatments started… he became especially touchy about any contact, waking or sleeping. I learned to avoid touching him altogether unless he initiated contact. It was torture; sometimes I'd cry myself silently to sleep out of loneliness, with him 6 inches away, snoring peacefully, me feeling… shut out and helpless and trapped. Sometimes I would imagine I was a stone in an Aztec pyramid, carved to look like a girl, with moss growing over me, content to be still and silent, unaffected by the rise and fall of human dramas and the passage of time. I would often fall asleep this way, sort of… meditating myself into a place where I was deaf and blind to the real world, my consciousness hidden safely in a granite tomb, unmoved by the weight of his looming fatality, and our shared depression. Only then would I sleep and ignore him ignoring me. Eventually I started sleeping alone in the other bedroom just to have mental peace.

But this guy. I don't know. This love is still so new, untested really. He hurt me a lot last week and even though I have forgiven him, I'm not stupid- I know people don't just change their characters. He still probably feels he was mostly in the right, he never did verbally apologize, and I'm the one who's continued to accept his presence under my roof so I'm the one who has to turn the other cheek, or live more carefully, or trust him less, or whatever. Whatever action there is, or caution there is to take, it's on me to do it, if I'm going to continue to allow him around me. I know he's still exactly who he is, and if other similar situations arise, I'm like to see a similar reaction from him. So there are simply some things I'll ask of him and other things I won't. *shrug* I now know better where he stands with me and what I can expect of him.

But I have been looking for signs of where I stand with him. Does he still even want to bother with this relationship. Is he tired of me. Does he want to be a part of my life, and keep me as a part of his. These aren't always things you can believe when they're expressed as words. In this case… knowing he's a man of action rather than words makes it easier for me; I seek to observe the truth from his actions. And even his subconscious, or half-asleep actions, seem to indicate a desire for closeness with me. It occurred to me that maybe he's better at co-sleeping because of his experience as a daddy, sleeping with babies in the bed, there's always a part of his mind now that's not asleep, but in "protect-nurture" mode. I'm no baby and I don't want to exhaust him when he's supposed to be resting, but it seems to come naturally to him, it's just an innate part of how he's wired. It's… ridiculous how comforting he can be sometimes. I want to cry sometimes when I think about it. I'm used to sleeping alone. Alone, damn you. I'm a warrior and a stone. Why you gotta be all…snuggly 'n shit, getting me to let my guard down? I don't know about this. I don't know. This is risky. But also damnably …enticing... and the truth is… I emotionally starved for so long, I feel like… sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself, what is truth… what can I rely on, if not this? I feel like I'm equal parts pathetically soaking it up and/or talking myself down from my own ledges of distrust & flight.
So far, he's winning me over, even taking last week into account.

I try not to compare my relationships too much, because that way lies madness, but the bottom line is... the ex often professed to love me, but would have pushed me away in his sleep.
This man doesn't use many love-words, but subconsciously draws me close and tucks me under his protection for the night.

And there you have it (and there I have it).

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