sunday morning fantasy

...you roll over in bed and put your arm around me. for 5 minutes. before getting up and getting dressed. or ...something. like you pretty heavily implied yesterday. which, I'm sort of ashamed to admit, kept me going all day, like some tiny lifeline. I guess I took it as almost a date, dare I say a promise. Gave it more weight than I should have. Which is why i bothered to take another shower before coming to bed. It's not like I expected sex. I don't. Just... something vaguely snuggly? A kiss, a spoon, your hand on my skin, or some small reminder, anything that your body above the waistline might still communicate...
i guess i suck at this, finding a balance between too intimidated to tell you whats on my mind directly in case you hate me for it, and saying too much out loud and making it worse.
Most of the time, I feel I have no voice in the matter at all because I have no right to feel so selfish. I don't know why my stupid body has to produce the hormones it keeps producing. I don't know why my heart aches with loneliness when you're right there. I tell it to stop several times a day, to shut the fcuk up.
It's just really bad about listening to my rational brain.
Whatever. I don't even exist. It's all an illusion. I gotta remind myself don't actually matter enough to matter right now, it's not about me, and no one should ever listen to me when I'm like this. I'm just a monster by nature and my main job right now is for my conscious mind to keep the rest of myself locked away so I don't hurt anyone, that's my right and honorable focus right now. I will be strong, stoic, celibate, honorable, and true, a righteous knight.
I will resolve to hold my head up another day and be kind and compassionate to all those I meet. This isn't a good reason to be unkind to anyone. I will breathe, and continue putting one foot in front of the other.