thoughts on "Seras"
Jul. 28th, 2007 01:24 amI secretly think she's the right kind of twisted to be actually helped by becoming a full-time submissive slave, like, a lifestyler, y'know? She would get the discipline she secretly wants, and the glorification of being constantly objectified, the therapy of digging out and facing her ultimate humiliation, finding release in giving up control of "winning" and finally hitting that rock bottom where she'd have to leave all her pride behind, which she was so afraid of losing before. Once broken in, she'd define her self worth as a function of her Master's will- instead of being worthy because she's a "winner", she'd be worthy because "Master said so". She would simply not be allowed to question it. I imagine that would be a terrible relief for her hummingbird mind.
I never understood the kind of person who needs that total Slave lifestyle until now. I enjoy light BDSM, but to me, Slavery is Slavery- it always is and always will be slightly disgusting to me for one human to own another, whether it's for mutual sexual pleasure or tilling cotton fields.
But she's a slave to her own thoughts already; I have to admit if she could have someone just dominate her full time, her burden would be lightened considerably.
I know why she comes to me, day in, day out. She wants discipline. She just wants to be sorry, but she doesn't want to truly repent for her wrong thoughts and actions- she doesn't want to change her course of action, she just wants to do the crimes anyway, and pay for them in the comforting familiarity of guilt. I can see that she relishes the punishment of a sharp word or a disapproving look from me, because she believes it atones for her sin of being the immature brat that she is. She wants attention for behaving as badly as she does, when she fully knows better. She knows that she knows better. She just refuses to change her course of action. She's like a pig wallowing in the slop- part of her- her ego- I think revels in the fact that she's doing what she knows is wrong and outrageous- and she wants to shine a light on it to somebody, to somehow flaunt that she's getting away with it, like a weird sort of public masturbation--- and the other part, the part that keeps her down in the gutter, is the part of her that feels she's truly worthless; that dark corner of her heart where all her insecurity lies. In that part of her, she truly believes that's all she deserves- misery and pain. That's why she expects abandonment and betrayal at every turn. That's why she's obsessed with always being a "winner" and never being a "loser".
She just wants to moon the world, and then be spanked so she can have her daily catharsis. It's the game she likes to play. That's how I know she would make an excellent slave. She's got the pretense for foreplay (and roleplay) down cold.
Sometimes I feel like little more than a confessional booth.
Still, what can I do?
I will never be rid of her until the Universe says "That's Enough." That won't happen until the course of my own life changes enough that I don't see her daily anymore.
The mere annoyance of her existance in my life right now is not worth me trying to move heaven and earth to change the path of my own living karma. I am part of this situation too- maybe I am supposed to learn something from her; I'm always open to that possibility. It is usually, after all, a two-way street.
In fact, I have learned a lot of things from her already, on the nature of Humanity, and Its thousand ways of justifying. The many ways a person can see a situation very differently than I would see it. She is a reminder of how far I've come, and of all the emotional tools I take for granted in my dealings with the world. Maybe she's a chance for me to pay it forward, or backward, or something, in return for all those souls who've assisted me along the way.
She is a lesson in regressive personality types- a fascinating case study.
So perhaps I continue to allow her to play this scenario out with me because I cannot truly give the Universe a focused "escape" request signal-- I am still interested enough in her to stay a while and observe.
Me, though, I'm a crochety old sadist who believes in self-responsibility. I can't (and I won't) give her the pleasure of dominating her; it's ultimately a cop out, I guess- too easy to let someone else take your mind away and tell you what your opinion of yourself is from now on.
I make her look at herself. I don't judge. I don't spank. I don't assign her 15 Hail Marys. I merely hold up a mirror. I ask her questions that make her question herself. She doesn't like it. It's hard going. It's a slow process. Some days I think the part of her that is Light struggles for dominance, and wins. Then she is ready to make some sort of small progress.
Other days, she allows her inner light to be sublimated in favor of more wallowing.
But there is no timetable. There is no judgement. The thing I've realized is, we all choose how long we want to stay and play our little life games at whatever stage of karmic development we're on-- every person has all the time in the Universe to evolve at their own rate. God is Love. You can hold yourself away from Love for as long as you want to, or you can move closer toward Love when you decide you want to do that instead.
I gave up being people's Makeshift Messiah long ago. I've got my own path to walk, and I don't try to "save" anyone anymore. Only to help them recognize their potential to save themselves, if they are placed in my path (like she so very obviously is). And I choose to help the Universe like that because I still have my compassion, and I promised God/dess long ago I would serve Her till I die and beyond. And I'm just a sadistic bodhisattva like that. I have all the time in the Universe, so I might as well deny myself Nirvana until I've helped all living beings reach it. I ain't got anything better to do with my eternity....
So I don't give her the answers she wants to hear. When she asks me if I think she's a bad person, I don't say yes or no, I ask her if *she* thinks she's a bad person. Then I ask her why.
I want her to grow. I want her to learn. I want her to become strong.
I want her to stand on her own two fucking feet and tell me to my face she doesn't need me anymore. And then I want her to walk away with her head held high and enough maturity to handle whatever the rest of the world brings on.
Perhaps, if she could find a Master with this mindset, He could give her the easy, mindless way at first, to break her and stop her hamster wheel of self-destruction, then mold her into a strong enough person to grow into her own individual skin. And then release her back into the "wild" of real life. Like a wildlife rehabilitator.
Hahahaha. This concept amuses me. I know it'll never happen, but it does make a good skeleton outline for a cheesy romance novel or a hentai comic.
I should totally write an illustrated cheesy graphic romance novel.
But anyway, she doesn't have a Gorean Master or a full-time Leather Daddy.
She only has me, and I have no interest in controlling her, through sex or any other form of domination. My only goal is her freedom, and my only weapon is Love. Tough Love.
So we'll have to do this the slow way.
I never understood the kind of person who needs that total Slave lifestyle until now. I enjoy light BDSM, but to me, Slavery is Slavery- it always is and always will be slightly disgusting to me for one human to own another, whether it's for mutual sexual pleasure or tilling cotton fields.
But she's a slave to her own thoughts already; I have to admit if she could have someone just dominate her full time, her burden would be lightened considerably.
I know why she comes to me, day in, day out. She wants discipline. She just wants to be sorry, but she doesn't want to truly repent for her wrong thoughts and actions- she doesn't want to change her course of action, she just wants to do the crimes anyway, and pay for them in the comforting familiarity of guilt. I can see that she relishes the punishment of a sharp word or a disapproving look from me, because she believes it atones for her sin of being the immature brat that she is. She wants attention for behaving as badly as she does, when she fully knows better. She knows that she knows better. She just refuses to change her course of action. She's like a pig wallowing in the slop- part of her- her ego- I think revels in the fact that she's doing what she knows is wrong and outrageous- and she wants to shine a light on it to somebody, to somehow flaunt that she's getting away with it, like a weird sort of public masturbation--- and the other part, the part that keeps her down in the gutter, is the part of her that feels she's truly worthless; that dark corner of her heart where all her insecurity lies. In that part of her, she truly believes that's all she deserves- misery and pain. That's why she expects abandonment and betrayal at every turn. That's why she's obsessed with always being a "winner" and never being a "loser".
She just wants to moon the world, and then be spanked so she can have her daily catharsis. It's the game she likes to play. That's how I know she would make an excellent slave. She's got the pretense for foreplay (and roleplay) down cold.
Sometimes I feel like little more than a confessional booth.
Still, what can I do?
I will never be rid of her until the Universe says "That's Enough." That won't happen until the course of my own life changes enough that I don't see her daily anymore.
The mere annoyance of her existance in my life right now is not worth me trying to move heaven and earth to change the path of my own living karma. I am part of this situation too- maybe I am supposed to learn something from her; I'm always open to that possibility. It is usually, after all, a two-way street.
In fact, I have learned a lot of things from her already, on the nature of Humanity, and Its thousand ways of justifying. The many ways a person can see a situation very differently than I would see it. She is a reminder of how far I've come, and of all the emotional tools I take for granted in my dealings with the world. Maybe she's a chance for me to pay it forward, or backward, or something, in return for all those souls who've assisted me along the way.
She is a lesson in regressive personality types- a fascinating case study.
So perhaps I continue to allow her to play this scenario out with me because I cannot truly give the Universe a focused "escape" request signal-- I am still interested enough in her to stay a while and observe.
Me, though, I'm a crochety old sadist who believes in self-responsibility. I can't (and I won't) give her the pleasure of dominating her; it's ultimately a cop out, I guess- too easy to let someone else take your mind away and tell you what your opinion of yourself is from now on.
I make her look at herself. I don't judge. I don't spank. I don't assign her 15 Hail Marys. I merely hold up a mirror. I ask her questions that make her question herself. She doesn't like it. It's hard going. It's a slow process. Some days I think the part of her that is Light struggles for dominance, and wins. Then she is ready to make some sort of small progress.
Other days, she allows her inner light to be sublimated in favor of more wallowing.
But there is no timetable. There is no judgement. The thing I've realized is, we all choose how long we want to stay and play our little life games at whatever stage of karmic development we're on-- every person has all the time in the Universe to evolve at their own rate. God is Love. You can hold yourself away from Love for as long as you want to, or you can move closer toward Love when you decide you want to do that instead.
I gave up being people's Makeshift Messiah long ago. I've got my own path to walk, and I don't try to "save" anyone anymore. Only to help them recognize their potential to save themselves, if they are placed in my path (like she so very obviously is). And I choose to help the Universe like that because I still have my compassion, and I promised God/dess long ago I would serve Her till I die and beyond. And I'm just a sadistic bodhisattva like that. I have all the time in the Universe, so I might as well deny myself Nirvana until I've helped all living beings reach it. I ain't got anything better to do with my eternity....
So I don't give her the answers she wants to hear. When she asks me if I think she's a bad person, I don't say yes or no, I ask her if *she* thinks she's a bad person. Then I ask her why.
I want her to grow. I want her to learn. I want her to become strong.
I want her to stand on her own two fucking feet and tell me to my face she doesn't need me anymore. And then I want her to walk away with her head held high and enough maturity to handle whatever the rest of the world brings on.
Perhaps, if she could find a Master with this mindset, He could give her the easy, mindless way at first, to break her and stop her hamster wheel of self-destruction, then mold her into a strong enough person to grow into her own individual skin. And then release her back into the "wild" of real life. Like a wildlife rehabilitator.
Hahahaha. This concept amuses me. I know it'll never happen, but it does make a good skeleton outline for a cheesy romance novel or a hentai comic.
I should totally write an illustrated cheesy graphic romance novel.
But anyway, she doesn't have a Gorean Master or a full-time Leather Daddy.
She only has me, and I have no interest in controlling her, through sex or any other form of domination. My only goal is her freedom, and my only weapon is Love. Tough Love.
So we'll have to do this the slow way.