Aug. 23rd, 2014

silentwaters: (silent)
a week out of town did us both good.
It shocked him out of his funk and allowed him to let off steam. He calmed the fuck down and started being a lot nicer to me, more loving, more in tune. I guess he really is too weak to deal with this climate. It's a harsh place to be sure; sere, oven-hot, barren at first glance. He's too bound by his own hatred of it to ever see anything good, and it makes him a terrible person. You could argue that this is an immature way of facing challenges. Or you could argue that this is a challenge he doesn't have to choose to face, and he shouldn't be forced to face it because he's got his own right to live how he chooses.
It comes down to me being the malleable one. I'm open minded enough to face the challenge of living in almost any city. I have my preferences for not-snow (I did my time there) but... if it leaves him so unable to function, he should go.
And if I want to still be with him, I should go with him. I've no desire to be his jailer. Never wanted it to be like that. Ugh.

And I came to realize too, standing on the beach with him at sunset, our feet in the surf, pant cuffs soaked in salt water... Maybe I'm tired of it back here too. Maybe I want to live somewhere wetter and greener. It would be nice. I don't love it here because of the climate. I love it here because of the people and... yes, the spirit of the city. It's a unique and libertarian one. It's a fascinating kaleidoscope, to me. The whole spectrum of humanity splayed out before you, rich & poor, clean & dirty; highest of the high to the lowest of the low. I know the grime and corruption here does exist, and it is a major part of what he, and every hater, hates. But it doesn't bother me, because I know who I am and the main vices here don't hold much in the way of temptation for me. I have often fought against the darkness here; I've taken it as part of my life's work to be a light, and people in darkness need light. So I've loved this city because it needed me to. And for a long time, It loved me back.
But I'm not from around here. And it's a very sustain-yourself-or-become-dessicated kinda place.
Maybe I've put in enough time here. Maybe I deserve a break too.
I like greenery too. I like forests and plants. and Ocean.
I'll make friends and find God's work anywhere, I'm sure of that.

So let's go. My poor Love; I want him to stop having that trapped-animal look in his eyes. Besides, he's so beautiful when he smiles.

And, too, I would not want to raise kids here. He has two young girls to think about, and this is maybe the worst town in America to raise two healthy young women.
If we escaped and settled somewhere healthier, maybe... that will give them a place to go. Don't know how their mom will feel about it but most kids I know who grew up here hated the fuck out of it. If we provide an option, they might choose to come live with us themselves and we could get them out of here too.
That's some powerful motivation right there.


Anyway. Time to start culling my physical stuff so there will be less shit to move.

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silentwaters

May 2015

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