self-esteem

lowest it's been in ages.
I don't know what to do. I pretty much have been dragged down into an emotional pit where I don't feel good enough for anyone, I feel horrifically ugly, I feel taken for granted/invisible, unimportant, worthless, on shaky ground in my relationship... there's nothing about me I like or can believe in. Sometimes I really feel like Mr. Man doesn't love me at all, like... I know he enjoys the benefits of being with me, but sometimes I think... it's not me, myself, it's just... any nice girl with a wet pussy would do. I'm sure the housing and food is nice too. But if you can just walk away any time, if you don't need me in your life, if one troublesome personality flaw is enough to derail your care, if I have to pull the words "I love you" out of you... then this is too tenuous, and I am not safe, and I am not comforted.
He's been pretty nice to me these last couple of days. I've been pretty nice to him. He's expressed less hate around me- I think he finally realized his super negative attitude about living in this town is heavy for me to deal with- and God knows I am *trying* to do ANYthing I can to make him happier/comfier here or to support us both moving away and building a life elsewhere- but I sometimes think he'd prefer to just be alone.
Maybe he needs to be alone, maybe I was right when I told him in the first place that he should take some time to get to know himself, even though he protested. I know, I know he's got divorce fallout to deal with still, and I know he's a year of emotional healing behind me and my divorce process, even assuming we "heal" at the same rate, which would be silly to assume. I try to give him space, since he wanted to be with me so.
I just feel like... I don't know. Like I, me, the soul in this body- he just isn't sure about. He just isn't... as into this as he professed in the beginning.
I am; I am more so now that I allowed him to pass my threshold of trust- I gave him the keys to my kingdom, of course, like an idiot, but the truth is--
-the truth is...
I feel so worthless since my ex abandoned me for those other people... and I had to take a hard look in the mirror and realize what a monstrous creature I am and that he must have had some good reasons to close me out of his life- I mean I feel like he put me out on the garage sale table like an ugly chinese vase with a "free" sticker on it, and only realized what I was worth after I rolled off the edge and shattered.
and I knew that my heart has two modes- on, or off. It doesn't have a "friends with benefits" mode. it doesn't have a "casual NSA fuckbuddy" mode. It has a "I'm better off without the complication of you in my life" mode, or a "Security clearance passed, welcome to my inner sanctum" mode.
So I knew that by letting Mr. Man into my life, there was a good chance he'd fuck me (in the bad way) but I figured, hey, I've just come through not-in-fact-being-destroyed by the previous gent, what have I got to fear now? Worst case scenario, I shatter again. Then I writhe in pain for a while, then comes the part where I magically become my own broom and dustpan, and sweep myself into the furnace to re-melt down into some sort of whole thingy again.
But now I've been at this almost a year and by jove, there's... you know, there's something to this whole "partnership" and "daily life under the same roof" and "regular sex and hugs" and "sharing laughs about funny stuff" and "not being broken hearted all the time", Thing.
It's like... it's nice, you know?
Fuck. It's nice to be in a "relationship". I guess I've become a little addicted to the... wholesome fucking goodness or whatever.
People have told me I look great. I look happy. We look good together. etc.
But lately I feel like we're hitting that slump where romance can die, and see this is the part that I suck at because my last dude was about as romantic as a tree stump and I'm really really out of practice. So I'm not really sure what to do here to flirt or seduce or keep it fresh and sweet that he won't take as, "what are we, in junior high?"
Also- MONEY STRESS HELLA LIEK WHOA. We has it.
Which, as you might imagine, is a real dick-wilter.
Also, I'm fat and ugly and horrendous and how the fuck is he even attracted to me at all besides my amazing blowjobs? (which I will admit, he's complimented me on).
But I don't want to be just a blowjob-giver, even though I enjoy making him feel awesome, I'd like... to be an equal partner in sexual pleasure, but then I think, you stupid cow.
What else do you think he possibly wants from you? your gorgeous body? *snicker* *guffaw*
sure.
That's it.
Or maybe it's your awesome mind?
More likely, but he doesn't have to date you for that and he knows it.

I just have this image of me on my knees begging him, on the stairs, not to leave me. And him not even being able to reach down and touch my face or utter those 3 simple words I need to reassure me so badly, I'd do anything if only I could hear them and believe he meant them.
But he had to verbally pull away and twist the knife instead. I know he is in fear too. I know we're in between a rock and a hard place. But... fuck, man. I... need him like he needs... a paycheck, I guess. Since that rates higher than me right now. Even though I'm doing everything I can to stretch my thin little budget to cover us both.
I know it's not enough, and I know he likes the finer things in life, and I know he looks down on me with contempt even while he wants to believe in me.
And when he doesn't believe in me and doesn't love me, I can't believe in myself or love myself.
And that's really fucked up, because I'm not supposed to have given anyone that kind of power.
So I have to take it back some how, reclaim it, pull away from him a bit and come back to myself. Which sucks, because I just want him to hold me and lie to me and tell me he loves me and it will be okay.
And maybe it won't be a lie and maybe we'll make it big and maybe someday I'll be good enough and rich enough and have my shit together enough for him. But maybe it'll be too late. And what then?
I can't talk to him about this. He doesn't like to hear that I'm such an insecure person. He looks down on people with emotional problems, so I try to keep it copasetic for him even when I'm burning up inside. I mean- what he doesn't get yet is that I'm different from other insecure bitches - maybe bad ex-girlfriends he's suffered, or maybe his emotional black hole mother that exhausted the fuck out of him-- I'm different, in that even though my self-worth can be through the flooboards, lowest of the low- I never, never try to make anyone else compensate for my shortcomings. I try not to fish for compliments because I know there's a lot wrong with me; probably 5 bad things for every 1 good. I know my ass is fat. I'm not going to ask you if I 'look fat in this'. I already know. I already know I'm poor and wearing 5 year old thrift store t-shirts and not winning any fashion awards. I know. I'm not here to make anyone else feel bad about it. You know I try to have a sense of humor, laugh about it, deflect attention to other people, stay positive and give props to what's awesome about them because there's always something cool about them if I try to find it, and I don't have to be the focus. I try not to be passive aggressive or whiny. Because I understand I don't even MATTER. Nobody cares, and nobody SHOULD care, about me. That's not something I would ever tell people because I know they'd be horrified to hear it but it's just something I accept as a baseline. People only care about themselves, not you. Understand that, and you understand "how to win friends and influence people". Understand- you're a tiny human and you are insignificant. Your pain and suffering are insignificant. Your lifespan and all the experiences it contains- insignificant. This is true even for important people, so how much less significant am I than any of *them*? So no one deserves to be subject to my petty woes, my heartaches. I have the misfortune to continue to exist, though, and to be trapped in the subjective prison of my own skin and soul, so... emotions can affect me, I still suffer pain like anyone. I just understand in the greater scheme of things, how small I really am. And I lock my inner demons deep behind my smile and desperately wait for any little kindness to be thrown my way so that they can gnaw it to pieces and fall asleep in a food coma for a while and give me a few moments' peace. But how can I explain, how can I communicate how badly... I ... how much it means to me, any time he smiles at me, or touches me softly, or... pulls me close... how his kindesses to me are the very lifeblood of my ability to tell my demons to fuck off. That SOMEbody loves me and they should shut up and let me sleep?
How can I admit to him that I'm really that pathetic inside?
That He's the best, best thing that ever took my invisible self by surprise and made my comatose heart find a reason to beat again and that he's so important to me that it makes me tremble now to think of losing him... How can I tell him what he makes me feel... with a single look, a single caress... how I hang on his every opinion of me... each appraising look... how far I've let him modify me already, joyfully, willingly, because it was... better, I became... better for it, objectively, I did, I admit... but that sometimes... he goes too far and cuts me so deep and I'm still resonating with pain days after we've "reconciled" because I'm so desperate for him to love me again that I'll take anything, any sign of "alrightness" even though what SHOULD be happening is that he should apologize for taking me for granted and having the audacity to threaten me and let me twist- it's too cruel. And okay I'm not rich, beautiful or a neat freak but I am a devoted, faithful, helpful woman. A good cook, a good conversationalist, a good lay, a good friend to hang with, laid back, accepting, patient, kind. You know I have... I have some Things. Things that I understand make me...not necessarily important, but I guess sort of useful & rare, as far as women/girlfriends/wives go, whatever. He's been with so many bitchy women. Maybe that's my problem, maybe I'm not bitchy enough to keep him 'in line' or whatever. I don't try to bring up our financial imbalance, because in my mind, love covers it all, and I know his fruitless work search has left him extremely frustrated. I know.
But he pursued me, you know. He treated me like I was such a relief from his prior troubles. I didn't ask him to overlook my shortcomings, I was upfront about all of them. But seeing as how I've pretty much opened the gates and he came right in and made himself at home... and I've done my best to provide a good success-incubator here... for him to then start judging like he doesn't eat from the same wallet I do, like he doesn't get places on the same gas money I do, to act like I'm just... crazy or scary or immature now, and to go behind my back to talk to other people about it... It's too cruel, and one of these days I'm afraid he's going to go too far and I'm simply going to fall into the abyss over it and cut my own cord on the way down so I don't pull him with me.
He'll simply be left standing at the precipice of a cliff to contemplate the true worth of his pride.

That's not a threat, just a sad possibility I see, one I hope never happens.
But maybe hope is dumb.
But god, when he's good to me... he's so good. He can make me feel safe and warm... his heartbeat helps me fall asleep... his arm around me makes me want to cry with happiness, and fuck, I know it isn't safe to give someone that much control or allow someone to jar your emotional state so wildly, and I know, nobody can affect you unless you let them, and you're supposed to love yourself and assess your own worth from within and all that, blah, blah, blah, I KNOW, okay? Fuck. me. I know.
but... I starved so long and it feel so amazing to be in the arms of anyone at all, much less the amazing him. With his perfect warm hands and his perfect strong bicep and perfect silky curly chest hair that I love to lay my cheek on like he's my teddy bear and fall asleep to the rhythm of his breathing. *sigh* yeah. I'm really that pathetic. Goddammit. I hate myself even more than usual right now.
This is really bumming me out because I love to love him and right now my sweet innocent heart is feeling... unsettled and unsure if it's okay to do so. We "reconciled" as I said before but really ...I still feel unsure, I feel like a bird trying to decide if now is the time to flutter away in panic. Or if he's calm enough to land on his outstretched hand and stay there.
...What I'm watching for is his steady outstretched hand. That's how I'll know, I guess.