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should I be worried?
May. 22nd, 2014 03:06 amthe ex's mom, stepdad, sister and brother in law are all in town to visit him in prison. They conveniently have a condo timeshare here. Technically, I have never been able to afford the legal fees to actually get a divorce yet.
I have saved up *almost* enough money 3 times in the past year, and each time, I've had to use it for emergency financial crises, much to my dismay and heartbreak.
I hate it because I think it gives my technically-still-in-laws hope that I'm going to get back with him. And I think it makes Mr. Man think I'm …somehow hesitating to fully let go, or fully commit to him- I don't know why I think that. He hasn't said anything mean to me about it. But I have this odd intuitive feeling that it's just one of those unfortunate things that emotionally gives him pause / his id or ego wants to hold it against me, even if his mind knows how broke we've been.
Mr. Man recently came into a little money, but I haven't dared ask him for financial help with this because… damn, that's just… I don't know, it makes me feel funny asking my current man to help me divorce my ex husband who I should have, and wanted nothing more than to, divorce almost instantly in August 2012. I've been effectively "stuck" since then, and while I was willing to let it ride during the trial because that meant I could retain my right of marital privilege and not be forced to testify against him (not that I really had anything enlightening to say to anyone on the subject)… now that the trial's over and he's serving time, I feel like I've fulfilled my duty and I wanted to be free of these bonds longer than long ago! Our legal marriage means nothing to me now- it's just a piece of paper on file with the state, it's a tax status, it's a proof of certain rights if he passes away in prison and someone has to retrieve the body or something (the other, more serious reason I've been willing to let the marriage papers stand all this time).
But it's nothing that really has huge impact on my daily life, as much as say, a dead car, which impacted my ability to get to work daily- I spent money on the car rather than a divorce. Not as much as say, becoming homeless if I don't pay rent- so I spent money on rent instead of a divorce. What do you want? I make $10/hr before taxes. I probably bring home something closer to $6-$7 net.
How the fuck do you save even $300 on that, when you're always a little short at the end of the month?
And sure, Mr. Man has had money for about a month now, but he moved in with me back last fall, and for the first 8 months or so I've been financing everything. I even put new tires on his car ($400 I somehow shit out in February, because- to be honest, it was the one working vehicle we had between us and we would have been desperately fucked without it)
So, what is a paper marriage but a bad memory, a legal hindrance to moving forward, a spiritual handcuff… yeah it needs to go. I want it gone. I want it dissolved yesterday. I don't wanna be friends. I'm not going to be a bitch to the ex or his family- I think I was MORE than reasonable, considering the nature of his affair/sexcrimes.
But his family always treated me so well. They were really nice in-laws. They always treated me like part of the family. They sent me and him so much love, before, during and even after the cancer thing.
They are gentle people. They are understandably destroyed over the incarceration of their son/brother. They are heartbroken that I want to divorce him.
They want to believe in his innocence, and - here's where we split hairs, and part ways: to a large extent, I think they do.
The Ex's mom made a stupid remark to me (I love her, and I understand she was speaking from a place of emotional denial and sadness/love for her son, but this statement was… just … thoughtless) that, "I've come to the conclusion that whether he did or didn't do anything, it doesn't really matter".
Au Contraire, madam.
Whether he "did" or "didn't" diddle a 14 year old IS, EXACTLY, the issue at hand. The issue that "matters". (oh and whether he also had an affair with her mother, but that only matters to me, not the court)
The difference between "Didn't" or "Did" is the difference between "I know you're innocent and I will defend your life and liberty to the end just as I did when I was fighting for your survival against Cancer" and "Fuck you never touch me again you ungrateful lying bastard"
It's the difference between my forgiving all your marital neglect of me and taking a deep breath to try again, thinking we can "work through" everything that the Cancer destroyed and took from us-- including our sex life- and my inability to ever let you touch me intimately again without thoughts of your fingers stroking that girl's genitals (whether you guys were clothed or not, I do not give a GOOD GODDAMN. Nope. Don't care.)
If your immediate reaction was not to slap a bitch's hand away and run in the other direction, back to my safe and loving arms (which at that point, they were, and I would've given the world for half an hour of your vulnerable intimacy after you keeping me at arms length and sexless for 3 years)… then you are simply not the man I want in my life. Period.
Well. I could go on and work myself up into a righteous rage. But the point of this entry is, his family still loves me and they are here in town and they visited him in prison yesterday, and tomorrow they want to have breakfast with me.
I just don't know what to tell them, how to behave. I loved them too. I mean I still care about them. And they are so innocent in all this. It's not fair that the ex's stupid crimes had to tear us apart when we spent over a decade treating each other as family.
But they willfully ignore his culpability here, and I do not know if I can handle being made to feel guilty for "abandoning" him when I don't even know where to begin on explaining how much Wrong there was in our marriage BEFORE I got the Phone Call Of Fate that night in August 2012, and that finding out he was a child molester was the LAST FUCKING STRAW, not nearly the first. I didn't even find out about the affair with the mother until sometime in spring 2013 after he'd already been behind bars for months and I finally decided to look at the text message history in his cell phone.
My god.
The utter disrespect for me. The jokes he and his paramour made at my expense, the eye rolling about how I "am". How I AM saved your fucking life, asshole.
And for what?
So you could abandon me and fuck me over and indulge your emotional vulnerability in a way that brought shame and decimation on me and your whole entire family?
Good job.
Good fucking job.
Ugh.
Look it was really hard for me to let him go, and even harder for me to let the idea of "us" go… and I spent 14 years caring about him as my best friend, love of my life, soulmate, husband, my world, my everything. In hindsight I can see his emotional vulnerability, his fear, his exhaustion and insecurity, and the road that led to the bad choices he made. And my heart continually breaks for him, whenever I think of him. I know there was good in him. I know that whole family was 3 kinds of fucked up before he got there, and they lied through their teeth in court. But he DID make "bad choices", emphasis on the word "choices". And they were the choices of a lazy thoughtless cowardly punk.
And that is his true character- denial of responsibility, punking out when the going gets tough instead of bucking up and dealing with it- he's done it all his life. Even his own mother had to let him "run away" from home when he was 15 because he just would not respect her. He punked out of our marriage rather than work on it with me, and it cost him, and me, and our marriage, and his family- everything. I can't even.
So yeah. Lately all I feel toward him is anger and resentment. I think I've reached that "Anger" stage of grieving, out of order.
-Denial - the ability to deny was stripped from me that very first night, when instead of meeting my eyes to tell me he was innocent, he hung his head in shame.
-Anger - was immediately caught and shoved hard aside because in crisis situations, I go into cold, hard "put out this fire NOW" mode, and only let myself fall apart/ "feel" things later… and that later is finally now, I think
-Bargaining - was taken from me because after his arrest, he was in the hands of the legal/prison system and I could do jack shit, except sadly visit him in jail twice a week
-Depression and acceptance - came together quickly, and settled in for the long haul.
I'm exhausted and I don't even want to be writing this, I want to be asleep in my comfy bed because in order to meet them for breakfast, I have to get up hella fucking early. I don't get up this early for anyone, not even my employer. But out of respect for them, I'm doing this thing. I'm meeting them.
I dont' want to break their hearts any further, but I don't know what to say to their faces.
Yes, I really truly loved your son, but he almost destroyed my very soul, and now he can basically go fuck himself?
I'm sorry for your loss but I'm actually glad he's in prison and I think he deserves to do time for the crime?
Our marriage was already on the rocks and he knew it long before he got involved with these hos?
You guys are great but sometimes there's just a bad seed?
I love you, but fuck him?
I mean, …. fuck, what do I say to these people? How do I treat them now? How far back into my life can I let them approach- are they going to understand when I say, He & I cannot be "friends" when he gets out? I will not have a convicted child molester anywhere near my life, home, career, or wonderful boyfriend and his two young daughters?
I don't know man. This whole concept of "hanging out" with them exhausts me and it hasn't even happened yet. I'm so stressed out, having to re-live all this bullshit that I've spent so much difficult healing time trying to lay to rest, in my mind. The Ex is not a big daily presence in my life anymore, and I know I'm healthier for it- I can't tell you how many people have come up to me since Mr. Man and I started dating, saying stuff like, "wow, Silentwaters, you look so good!" "You look so healthy!" "I didn't wanna say anything before because I thought you were maybe struggling with Meth or something, but you look amazing and so much more at peace!" (yes, this was ACTUALLY said to me in the last 6 months).
I'm just… gonna have to be honest with my "in-laws" somehow.
They're just gonna have to… understand, somehow.
I don't know. If they don't understand and respect my POV, we just can't remain in each other's lives, period.
I don't know.
*sigh*
I can't think about it anymore. Sleep.
I have saved up *almost* enough money 3 times in the past year, and each time, I've had to use it for emergency financial crises, much to my dismay and heartbreak.
I hate it because I think it gives my technically-still-in-laws hope that I'm going to get back with him. And I think it makes Mr. Man think I'm …somehow hesitating to fully let go, or fully commit to him- I don't know why I think that. He hasn't said anything mean to me about it. But I have this odd intuitive feeling that it's just one of those unfortunate things that emotionally gives him pause / his id or ego wants to hold it against me, even if his mind knows how broke we've been.
Mr. Man recently came into a little money, but I haven't dared ask him for financial help with this because… damn, that's just… I don't know, it makes me feel funny asking my current man to help me divorce my ex husband who I should have, and wanted nothing more than to, divorce almost instantly in August 2012. I've been effectively "stuck" since then, and while I was willing to let it ride during the trial because that meant I could retain my right of marital privilege and not be forced to testify against him (not that I really had anything enlightening to say to anyone on the subject)… now that the trial's over and he's serving time, I feel like I've fulfilled my duty and I wanted to be free of these bonds longer than long ago! Our legal marriage means nothing to me now- it's just a piece of paper on file with the state, it's a tax status, it's a proof of certain rights if he passes away in prison and someone has to retrieve the body or something (the other, more serious reason I've been willing to let the marriage papers stand all this time).
But it's nothing that really has huge impact on my daily life, as much as say, a dead car, which impacted my ability to get to work daily- I spent money on the car rather than a divorce. Not as much as say, becoming homeless if I don't pay rent- so I spent money on rent instead of a divorce. What do you want? I make $10/hr before taxes. I probably bring home something closer to $6-$7 net.
How the fuck do you save even $300 on that, when you're always a little short at the end of the month?
And sure, Mr. Man has had money for about a month now, but he moved in with me back last fall, and for the first 8 months or so I've been financing everything. I even put new tires on his car ($400 I somehow shit out in February, because- to be honest, it was the one working vehicle we had between us and we would have been desperately fucked without it)
So, what is a paper marriage but a bad memory, a legal hindrance to moving forward, a spiritual handcuff… yeah it needs to go. I want it gone. I want it dissolved yesterday. I don't wanna be friends. I'm not going to be a bitch to the ex or his family- I think I was MORE than reasonable, considering the nature of his affair/sexcrimes.
But his family always treated me so well. They were really nice in-laws. They always treated me like part of the family. They sent me and him so much love, before, during and even after the cancer thing.
They are gentle people. They are understandably destroyed over the incarceration of their son/brother. They are heartbroken that I want to divorce him.
They want to believe in his innocence, and - here's where we split hairs, and part ways: to a large extent, I think they do.
The Ex's mom made a stupid remark to me (I love her, and I understand she was speaking from a place of emotional denial and sadness/love for her son, but this statement was… just … thoughtless) that, "I've come to the conclusion that whether he did or didn't do anything, it doesn't really matter".
Au Contraire, madam.
Whether he "did" or "didn't" diddle a 14 year old IS, EXACTLY, the issue at hand. The issue that "matters". (oh and whether he also had an affair with her mother, but that only matters to me, not the court)
The difference between "Didn't" or "Did" is the difference between "I know you're innocent and I will defend your life and liberty to the end just as I did when I was fighting for your survival against Cancer" and "Fuck you never touch me again you ungrateful lying bastard"
It's the difference between my forgiving all your marital neglect of me and taking a deep breath to try again, thinking we can "work through" everything that the Cancer destroyed and took from us-- including our sex life- and my inability to ever let you touch me intimately again without thoughts of your fingers stroking that girl's genitals (whether you guys were clothed or not, I do not give a GOOD GODDAMN. Nope. Don't care.)
If your immediate reaction was not to slap a bitch's hand away and run in the other direction, back to my safe and loving arms (which at that point, they were, and I would've given the world for half an hour of your vulnerable intimacy after you keeping me at arms length and sexless for 3 years)… then you are simply not the man I want in my life. Period.
Well. I could go on and work myself up into a righteous rage. But the point of this entry is, his family still loves me and they are here in town and they visited him in prison yesterday, and tomorrow they want to have breakfast with me.
I just don't know what to tell them, how to behave. I loved them too. I mean I still care about them. And they are so innocent in all this. It's not fair that the ex's stupid crimes had to tear us apart when we spent over a decade treating each other as family.
But they willfully ignore his culpability here, and I do not know if I can handle being made to feel guilty for "abandoning" him when I don't even know where to begin on explaining how much Wrong there was in our marriage BEFORE I got the Phone Call Of Fate that night in August 2012, and that finding out he was a child molester was the LAST FUCKING STRAW, not nearly the first. I didn't even find out about the affair with the mother until sometime in spring 2013 after he'd already been behind bars for months and I finally decided to look at the text message history in his cell phone.
My god.
The utter disrespect for me. The jokes he and his paramour made at my expense, the eye rolling about how I "am". How I AM saved your fucking life, asshole.
And for what?
So you could abandon me and fuck me over and indulge your emotional vulnerability in a way that brought shame and decimation on me and your whole entire family?
Good job.
Good fucking job.
Ugh.
Look it was really hard for me to let him go, and even harder for me to let the idea of "us" go… and I spent 14 years caring about him as my best friend, love of my life, soulmate, husband, my world, my everything. In hindsight I can see his emotional vulnerability, his fear, his exhaustion and insecurity, and the road that led to the bad choices he made. And my heart continually breaks for him, whenever I think of him. I know there was good in him. I know that whole family was 3 kinds of fucked up before he got there, and they lied through their teeth in court. But he DID make "bad choices", emphasis on the word "choices". And they were the choices of a lazy thoughtless cowardly punk.
And that is his true character- denial of responsibility, punking out when the going gets tough instead of bucking up and dealing with it- he's done it all his life. Even his own mother had to let him "run away" from home when he was 15 because he just would not respect her. He punked out of our marriage rather than work on it with me, and it cost him, and me, and our marriage, and his family- everything. I can't even.
So yeah. Lately all I feel toward him is anger and resentment. I think I've reached that "Anger" stage of grieving, out of order.
-Denial - the ability to deny was stripped from me that very first night, when instead of meeting my eyes to tell me he was innocent, he hung his head in shame.
-Anger - was immediately caught and shoved hard aside because in crisis situations, I go into cold, hard "put out this fire NOW" mode, and only let myself fall apart/ "feel" things later… and that later is finally now, I think
-Bargaining - was taken from me because after his arrest, he was in the hands of the legal/prison system and I could do jack shit, except sadly visit him in jail twice a week
-Depression and acceptance - came together quickly, and settled in for the long haul.
I'm exhausted and I don't even want to be writing this, I want to be asleep in my comfy bed because in order to meet them for breakfast, I have to get up hella fucking early. I don't get up this early for anyone, not even my employer. But out of respect for them, I'm doing this thing. I'm meeting them.
I dont' want to break their hearts any further, but I don't know what to say to their faces.
Yes, I really truly loved your son, but he almost destroyed my very soul, and now he can basically go fuck himself?
I'm sorry for your loss but I'm actually glad he's in prison and I think he deserves to do time for the crime?
Our marriage was already on the rocks and he knew it long before he got involved with these hos?
You guys are great but sometimes there's just a bad seed?
I love you, but fuck him?
I mean, …. fuck, what do I say to these people? How do I treat them now? How far back into my life can I let them approach- are they going to understand when I say, He & I cannot be "friends" when he gets out? I will not have a convicted child molester anywhere near my life, home, career, or wonderful boyfriend and his two young daughters?
I don't know man. This whole concept of "hanging out" with them exhausts me and it hasn't even happened yet. I'm so stressed out, having to re-live all this bullshit that I've spent so much difficult healing time trying to lay to rest, in my mind. The Ex is not a big daily presence in my life anymore, and I know I'm healthier for it- I can't tell you how many people have come up to me since Mr. Man and I started dating, saying stuff like, "wow, Silentwaters, you look so good!" "You look so healthy!" "I didn't wanna say anything before because I thought you were maybe struggling with Meth or something, but you look amazing and so much more at peace!" (yes, this was ACTUALLY said to me in the last 6 months).
I'm just… gonna have to be honest with my "in-laws" somehow.
They're just gonna have to… understand, somehow.
I don't know. If they don't understand and respect my POV, we just can't remain in each other's lives, period.
I don't know.
*sigh*
I can't think about it anymore. Sleep.
