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Fuck.
I've... kinda .... got it bad.
Crushing a little hard on this one.
He keeps speaking to my soul.
He's talking about divorcing the wife who will never understand him, but right now he's very married and with two beautiful tiny children.
Dammit, I can't be a catalyst for breaking that apart. I can't. I WON'T, goddammit. So I'm trying to stay the hell away from that. But we have professional reasons to find ourselves working together a lot, and right now we have no intention of losing valuable work time to avoid a silly non-thing that's not even actually happening. So, just working together. A lot.
As coworkers and friends. And that's all. Yesh. Right.
And the collaboration is dreamy because he's so... in tune with me. I'm so in tune with him. We're like tuning forks set to the same frequency. I can't even describe this. All our conversations make me feel 'yes! please!*gratitude**relief**light**love*' like... he is just... My soul is so scarred and I am so skittish about male attention right now and normally I'd be pushing anyone daring to approach me away. But he's not really "approaching me" that way- look, we've been very chaste so far. We're not starting anything, this isn't a "thing" at all really. It's just... he's... the first... being... I can even... dare to imagine in my personal space without flinching, in over a year.
Not only do I not flinch or hate the idea... I keep imagining him around as if he belongs in my life.
I had a weird thought the other day, that I need to child-proof my house during my redecoration phase for when the kids come over to visit him.
WTF?
We haven't even breathed a word of that sort of thing. We've barely even ever touched, except for hugs hello and goodbye.
I'm a terrible rotten hellbitch.
Except he's pretty sure I'm some sort of angel. I don't quite understand why, but after some things he said to me I've slept so peacefully, and I feel his care for me like this weird golden light hovering around my aura. It's... the strangest thing. I want to open myself to him and draw him close and comfort him and tell him beautiful things. But I have no right, no right at all to do this. I'm trying hard to keep my mouth shut about it.
This morning I thought about him in the shower while I... well, after I lost myself in some pleasurable activities with the shower head. It became really intense and as I came I just started crying and crying on my knees and hugging myself while the water rained down and I felt so... overwhelmingly lost and lonely, and I found myself guiltily wishing he was there to hold me. This is the third time I've caught myself thinking about him while...
...*sigh* that last time, though I was fantasizing hard about almost anything and everything else, but in the "moment of truth" suddenly I had a stunning complete vision of him on top of me, inside me, holding me close, I practically felt his hair on my face and his breath on my neck and his seed in my...
...I mean it came out of nowhere. I didn't mean to, I just... he just... and the pleasure of the vision was so intense, so deep like a crashing wave, my whole root chakra area just rippled and sent out these radiating waves of pleasure through my whole body...at the thought of him... knowing me...loving me...
Fuck.
This is probably not going to end well.
He would be the first man to make me feel light and happy like this in so long. It would be someone I can't have. Universe, yoouuu sooo funnyeee. Yes, I see what you did there. Haw haw. Now please kindly fuck off or bring me someone I can actually... honorably accept without becoming a home wrecker. Like, seriously, are you going to make me live both sides of this equation in rapid succession? That's not even fair. She was a crazy fucktard pushing her daughter at my ex vicariously and he was an ungrateful idiot with unresolved intimacy issues. (and yes, I say that callously, dismissively, here, but... you know what, I spent over a decade being purely devoted to him, waiting for him, living for him and dying for him. And after I nursed him through cancer, he went and pulled that sex crime bullshit. So you know what, I think I've earned the right to be slightly, just a teeny bit bitter. I'll get over it. But give me my time, man.)
I mean. At least I'm trying to be a good girl and not pull this guy away, even though I've starved for years and it kinda just seems cruel to find someone this lovely and compatible for ONCE IN MY FORSAKEN LIFE*ahem* it's fine. I am behaving. I really am. And also, they were going to be divorcing already for other, more mundane reasons, that started long before I met him and had nothing to do with me. I think I vaguely remember talking to him months ago, the night we were all hanging out at a friend's house, and I finally told them what was going on with me and my guy, and he was shocked, but then also told us (while we were all having a round robin circle of oversharing) that he and his wife had been on the rocks for a while and they were "back in therapy" for it, so I guess they'd already tried to work this shit out a couple of times. (At the time I didn't feel much about it other than the basic friend 'hey buddy hope that works out for you' sympathy.)
And I'm prepared to back off emotionally at the slightest hint they look like they might genuinely work shit out, I'm not trying to ruin this woman's life or their kids lives! God forbid. (and by 'back off emotionally' I mean I'll just stuff these inconvenient emotions somewhere until they smother and die like every other crush I've had over the years. How hard can it be, right?)
I'm not trying to be his reason to leave, but clearly he was already headed that way and it would be megalomaniacal of me to think that I really would be. He's a grown ass man and can make his own decisions. And I'm really apprehensive of all the common sense bad juju that surrounds "rebound" flings, I don't want to use someone as a rebound, and I don't want to be used as a rebound, I mean who wants to be used and tossed aside? That's terrible, I'm so dreading that. I don't like to use and be used, that's so against how I roll. Like I don't know who the hell I would trust, or prevail upon, to check that 'rebound' ticky-box in my life. Is it always doomed to failure? I certainly didn't expect to have feelings for another human being at all so soon. (I mean okay I guess it's been almost a year since my heart was flat out crushed, and I'd been starving in a cold fish marriage for 3+ years prior so I guess it's about time for me to raise my head and open my eyes and remember that I still have a pulse, even if I refuse to step forward). And now a relationship of some kind... seems sort of... imminent, but I mean... him? Why him, how him? What the... Hell I mean we've orbited in the same mutual circle of friends for about two years now but I always though he was somber and judgmental and aloof, I never really thought we'd become close- a year ago I would have laughed at the very idea, I thought he was cold and quiet and sort of jaded and stuff. It's only in the last 3 weeks that I've seen a completely different side of him, due to one extended conversation and a bowl of pho at 2 in the morning... And I mean... we're just... clicking. It's... beyond chemistry. It's strange and electrifying and terrifying and he makes me smile all the time, just the thought of him, it's not like he's trying to make me smile, it's just... a feeling of secret 'happy', all the time, except for when I'm in REM sleep, because my dreams during this time period have been terrible and guilt ridden. Obviously I am churning over some shit in my brain about this. I don't want to be a bitch. I don't want to lead him on. I don't want to use him up and throw him away like kleenex. I don't wanna offer him things I can't responsibly give at this time.
I don't want to encourage him to give ME things he can't responsibly give at this time.
I just don't know where this is going but clearly we are sort of rapidly becoming "more than friends". It's like, too soon to have 'the talk' but too late to put it completely back in the box until it's addressed somehow...
And this whole... electric-spirit-connection thing is not... helping us slow down.
inside my poor bereft heart is all hunkering down in the trenches and sending the brain out for recon. But then it sits there and daydreams and is like, 'coulditworkcoulditworkcoulditwork?doIgetsomedoIgetsomedoIgetsomelovepleaselovepleaselovemeohgodIcan'tgethurtagainpleasegoawaygoawaygoawayNoWaitComeBackOhFuckMyLife
Just gonna... try really hard to focus on the work itself for a while.
I've... kinda .... got it bad.
Crushing a little hard on this one.
He keeps speaking to my soul.
He's talking about divorcing the wife who will never understand him, but right now he's very married and with two beautiful tiny children.
Dammit, I can't be a catalyst for breaking that apart. I can't. I WON'T, goddammit. So I'm trying to stay the hell away from that. But we have professional reasons to find ourselves working together a lot, and right now we have no intention of losing valuable work time to avoid a silly non-thing that's not even actually happening. So, just working together. A lot.
As coworkers and friends. And that's all. Yesh. Right.
And the collaboration is dreamy because he's so... in tune with me. I'm so in tune with him. We're like tuning forks set to the same frequency. I can't even describe this. All our conversations make me feel 'yes! please!*gratitude**relief**light**love*' like... he is just... My soul is so scarred and I am so skittish about male attention right now and normally I'd be pushing anyone daring to approach me away. But he's not really "approaching me" that way- look, we've been very chaste so far. We're not starting anything, this isn't a "thing" at all really. It's just... he's... the first... being... I can even... dare to imagine in my personal space without flinching, in over a year.
Not only do I not flinch or hate the idea... I keep imagining him around as if he belongs in my life.
I had a weird thought the other day, that I need to child-proof my house during my redecoration phase for when the kids come over to visit him.
WTF?
We haven't even breathed a word of that sort of thing. We've barely even ever touched, except for hugs hello and goodbye.
I'm a terrible rotten hellbitch.
Except he's pretty sure I'm some sort of angel. I don't quite understand why, but after some things he said to me I've slept so peacefully, and I feel his care for me like this weird golden light hovering around my aura. It's... the strangest thing. I want to open myself to him and draw him close and comfort him and tell him beautiful things. But I have no right, no right at all to do this. I'm trying hard to keep my mouth shut about it.
This morning I thought about him in the shower while I... well, after I lost myself in some pleasurable activities with the shower head. It became really intense and as I came I just started crying and crying on my knees and hugging myself while the water rained down and I felt so... overwhelmingly lost and lonely, and I found myself guiltily wishing he was there to hold me. This is the third time I've caught myself thinking about him while...
...*sigh* that last time, though I was fantasizing hard about almost anything and everything else, but in the "moment of truth" suddenly I had a stunning complete vision of him on top of me, inside me, holding me close, I practically felt his hair on my face and his breath on my neck and his seed in my...
...I mean it came out of nowhere. I didn't mean to, I just... he just... and the pleasure of the vision was so intense, so deep like a crashing wave, my whole root chakra area just rippled and sent out these radiating waves of pleasure through my whole body...at the thought of him... knowing me...loving me...
Fuck.
This is probably not going to end well.
He would be the first man to make me feel light and happy like this in so long. It would be someone I can't have. Universe, yoouuu sooo funnyeee. Yes, I see what you did there. Haw haw. Now please kindly fuck off or bring me someone I can actually... honorably accept without becoming a home wrecker. Like, seriously, are you going to make me live both sides of this equation in rapid succession? That's not even fair. She was a crazy fucktard pushing her daughter at my ex vicariously and he was an ungrateful idiot with unresolved intimacy issues. (and yes, I say that callously, dismissively, here, but... you know what, I spent over a decade being purely devoted to him, waiting for him, living for him and dying for him. And after I nursed him through cancer, he went and pulled that sex crime bullshit. So you know what, I think I've earned the right to be slightly, just a teeny bit bitter. I'll get over it. But give me my time, man.)
I mean. At least I'm trying to be a good girl and not pull this guy away, even though I've starved for years and it kinda just seems cruel to find someone this lovely and compatible for ONCE IN MY FORSAKEN LIFE*ahem* it's fine. I am behaving. I really am. And also, they were going to be divorcing already for other, more mundane reasons, that started long before I met him and had nothing to do with me. I think I vaguely remember talking to him months ago, the night we were all hanging out at a friend's house, and I finally told them what was going on with me and my guy, and he was shocked, but then also told us (while we were all having a round robin circle of oversharing) that he and his wife had been on the rocks for a while and they were "back in therapy" for it, so I guess they'd already tried to work this shit out a couple of times. (At the time I didn't feel much about it other than the basic friend 'hey buddy hope that works out for you' sympathy.)
And I'm prepared to back off emotionally at the slightest hint they look like they might genuinely work shit out, I'm not trying to ruin this woman's life or their kids lives! God forbid. (and by 'back off emotionally' I mean I'll just stuff these inconvenient emotions somewhere until they smother and die like every other crush I've had over the years. How hard can it be, right?)
I'm not trying to be his reason to leave, but clearly he was already headed that way and it would be megalomaniacal of me to think that I really would be. He's a grown ass man and can make his own decisions. And I'm really apprehensive of all the common sense bad juju that surrounds "rebound" flings, I don't want to use someone as a rebound, and I don't want to be used as a rebound, I mean who wants to be used and tossed aside? That's terrible, I'm so dreading that. I don't like to use and be used, that's so against how I roll. Like I don't know who the hell I would trust, or prevail upon, to check that 'rebound' ticky-box in my life. Is it always doomed to failure? I certainly didn't expect to have feelings for another human being at all so soon. (I mean okay I guess it's been almost a year since my heart was flat out crushed, and I'd been starving in a cold fish marriage for 3+ years prior so I guess it's about time for me to raise my head and open my eyes and remember that I still have a pulse, even if I refuse to step forward). And now a relationship of some kind... seems sort of... imminent, but I mean... him? Why him, how him? What the... Hell I mean we've orbited in the same mutual circle of friends for about two years now but I always though he was somber and judgmental and aloof, I never really thought we'd become close- a year ago I would have laughed at the very idea, I thought he was cold and quiet and sort of jaded and stuff. It's only in the last 3 weeks that I've seen a completely different side of him, due to one extended conversation and a bowl of pho at 2 in the morning... And I mean... we're just... clicking. It's... beyond chemistry. It's strange and electrifying and terrifying and he makes me smile all the time, just the thought of him, it's not like he's trying to make me smile, it's just... a feeling of secret 'happy', all the time, except for when I'm in REM sleep, because my dreams during this time period have been terrible and guilt ridden. Obviously I am churning over some shit in my brain about this. I don't want to be a bitch. I don't want to lead him on. I don't want to use him up and throw him away like kleenex. I don't wanna offer him things I can't responsibly give at this time.
I don't want to encourage him to give ME things he can't responsibly give at this time.
I just don't know where this is going but clearly we are sort of rapidly becoming "more than friends". It's like, too soon to have 'the talk' but too late to put it completely back in the box until it's addressed somehow...
And this whole... electric-spirit-connection thing is not... helping us slow down.
inside my poor bereft heart is all hunkering down in the trenches and sending the brain out for recon. But then it sits there and daydreams and is like, 'coulditworkcoulditworkcoulditwork?doIgetsomedoIgetsomedoIgetsomelovepleaselovepleaselovemeohgodIcan'tgethurtagainpleasegoawaygoawaygoawayNoWaitComeBackOhFuckMyLife
Just gonna... try really hard to focus on the work itself for a while.
