Where did I put that bottle of Nepenthe

it goes hard with me tonight.
I've been fine all day. Tomorrow's trash day so I came home to do chores after work and I've been throwing out lots of junk mail and moldy food (because I haven't been staying at the house to eat it) and random detritus because The Ex was a real fine pilot. (you know, he piled-it here, and piled-it there...) All was well throwing away scraps of paper with chicken scratch on it and jack in the box receipts and old business cards and crap, and then I decided to clean off the refrigerator with oh, 3 years worth of cards from his very kind family, in the flavors of "Happy Birthday", "Happy Anniversary", "Merry Christmas", and "Hang in there, you sweet kids will make it through this Cancer thing and we're all pullin' for you."
Between those and the one Happy Anniversary card I found where I hand wrote a bunch of sentimental-yet-perfectly-true shit to him about how much I trusted him and how much I appreciated his loving my random quirks and how I couldn't imagine co-running a survival colony in the event of the Apocalypse with anyone else (sure, go ahead and laugh, but think about it-- this world falls apart, who do you trust enough to call "tribe"?)...

Yeah. Ball on the floor. wracking sobs. complete fucking mess.
(on the other hand, completely confirmed to myself why all these greeting cards had to fucking go in the trash, sure can't keep 'em around for sentimental value anymore, unless by "sentimental value" I mean "good excuse to become inconsolably morose anytime I feel too goddamn happy"...)

My God, my God... We have been through. So. Much. Hell. And I trusted him so completely. And I was always faithful to him. And we had so many good people who loved our love, supported our union. Just.... godDAMMIT.
Godfuckingdammit.
There just... aren't enough tears.
And when I stopped basically shampooing the carpet with snot and tears like the pathetic creature I am, I just sat there a while in silence and thought about how I'm really kinda fucked, love wise. I'll be surprised if I can ever trust anyone that way in this life ever again. I really... just don't think I'm capable, after this. Oh sure I'll have good friends and maybe even lovers, but... never again, the way I trusted him. Never again will I let someone that deep into my life. I am... probably going to refuse to share my life or vulnerability with anyone. And that sucks because it's sort of unfair to anyone who innocently tries to get to me, but that's... just how it is. 14 years, you think you know a person. And you...you don't. You just don't.
Fuck everything I thought I knew, I was really wrong. It's not even an issue of trusting other people; it's that I've lost the ability to trust my own judgement at the end of the day. Someone will put me at ease for a night or a few weeks or for months or years, and this thing will always be in the back of my head now, waiting for the other shoe to drop. It will never be fully comfortable, having someone else in my space. It will never truly feel like home, to call someone else "family". I never want another "mate" as long as I live. Fcuktoys and lovers, paramours, flirtations, whatever, okay. Mate... probably not. It would take a lot of doing, and even then I can already feel that I'll be questioning my own better judgement every day until they either die peacefully and prove me wrong, or fuck me over again and prove me right.

I told him already, that I forgive him, and I do. I know he's in a hell of his own making now, and he's suffering massive stress and could meet a grim fate in the end and all of that is punishment enough, I don't have the heart to heap any more misery on him and I wish I could fix it for him but I can't. And my forgiveness is not the only forgiveness he needs to seek, but it's all I have to offer at this time. All I can do is forgive him and pray for him.
But I can't forget.
But fuck, I wish I could.