![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Feb. 8th, 2012 09:01 pmSome days the ache is just... immobilizing.
I hate it.
I'm so strong most of the time. why can't I deal with this? there are so many good intentions, so many well wishers, but can anybody actually rescue me? Or is this just, like so many other life lessons, the point at which I sigh and throw up my hands and resign myself to continued isolation/self-reliance?
i wish i could imagine my desires into the real. but Goddammit why do i have to bear witness to other people shallowly playing in a pool I know the very depths of, but can no longer swim to the bottom of somehow- how can i smile and look at their splashing and tell them they're doing just fine, now tilt your head like so, caress her face like so, lean at an angle so the stage lighting falls on the lines of your body just so, there, yes, now you are starting to look convincing...
it's like being from another planet, and trying to explain to earthlings how to put on a play about aliens in costumes that comically approximate your homeworld.
I don't mean to be bitter. I don't want to be. I fight it every day. I fight and fight.
You have no idea how much energy it takes to CHOOSE to stay open, and loving, and warm, and extrovert, a friend, a shoulder, a counselor, a priest... to stoke those flames so they don't go out, but not so high that they burn anything....when all the id wants to do is curl up and sob and sob until God herself sends some angel to wrap me up and carry me away from here.
I hate it.
I'm so strong most of the time. why can't I deal with this? there are so many good intentions, so many well wishers, but can anybody actually rescue me? Or is this just, like so many other life lessons, the point at which I sigh and throw up my hands and resign myself to continued isolation/self-reliance?
i wish i could imagine my desires into the real. but Goddammit why do i have to bear witness to other people shallowly playing in a pool I know the very depths of, but can no longer swim to the bottom of somehow- how can i smile and look at their splashing and tell them they're doing just fine, now tilt your head like so, caress her face like so, lean at an angle so the stage lighting falls on the lines of your body just so, there, yes, now you are starting to look convincing...
it's like being from another planet, and trying to explain to earthlings how to put on a play about aliens in costumes that comically approximate your homeworld.
I don't mean to be bitter. I don't want to be. I fight it every day. I fight and fight.
You have no idea how much energy it takes to CHOOSE to stay open, and loving, and warm, and extrovert, a friend, a shoulder, a counselor, a priest... to stoke those flames so they don't go out, but not so high that they burn anything....when all the id wants to do is curl up and sob and sob until God herself sends some angel to wrap me up and carry me away from here.
