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Oct. 26th, 2006 11:29 pmThis weekend, for the first time in months, I will get to see my true love.
All the crazy events my "love" life has attracted recently notwithstanding, this is the "event" I am most excited about- I don't have to be so goddamn enlightened about it. I don't have to be wide-open and egoless. I don't have to experience this love in a "universal" way. That kind of love requires you to be strong, naked, fearless. Only boddhisattvas and ascetics can maintain such compassion and mindfulness full time, and continually denounce their own ego's desires in favor of letting all beings take and give love through them. It is a comendable state of existance, but it can also be exhausting, and sometimes, I feel like... I'm just not strong enough or pure enough, to keep it up all the time. I can't help feeling a little bittersweet twinge at it- I'm learning so much in the way of how to stay in "love" with the world, but I get to keep so little of it for myself, my ridiculously petty ego... my still beating woman's heart.
I'm not a priestess or buddha or crone yet, and even if I was, I still need to play by this world's rules for aging and timing of the current life I'm living. I wouldn't have incarnated here and now, like this, if I wasn't meant to be here and now, like this.
And "like this" still means I am young, and in love, and in lust, and I long to feel my man's hands in my hair, and his breath on my lips, and his cock in my...
well... anyway.
In all honesty, I would settle for a smile, for just feeling his hand grip mine... just to have someone to sit at the dinner table with.
I've gotten older; more hardened. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore, and I don't constantly vibrate with that bottomless pit of an ache in my stomach, bones and skin. I go about my business, I do my job, I keep it professional. I put my heart's id on a leash so tight, it barely interferes with my daily life anymore.
But the months go by, and when I stop to remember, the ache is still there, just a couple of layers deeper under the surface than it had been. And there is the lonliness that I'm just not enlightened enough to get around, no matter how much agape flows through my soul, out from the univeral pool through me into the world, and back in from the world through me returning to the universal pool. I can't be arrogant enough to think that it is somehow my own doing, my own merits that earn me goodwill. It is because I am operating as Love's agent, "blessed" with return feed because I open myself to the exercise of compassion. The soul feels love, and responds like a plant to sunlight. But I am not the sun; I am just the moon, reflecting the light to others that shines on me. You see how, I can't take the credit for that, not when I'm really honest with myself. It has nothing to do with me, really, it's just that I am a conveniently willing soul in a conveniently available body, conveniently incarnated on this plane right now, and worse, I have invited the gods to use me as they will. If the entity that is my soul deserves any personal credit for Self-catalyzed acts, it is only in that, long ago, I asked God to use me. That may have been the most foolish thing I've ever done.
But sometimes, I get tired of being just a conduit. I want to be a reciever. I need someone to complete my internal circuits.
When Matt gets here, it will be just about the two of us, the romance between a man and woman... This is about me and him. It's an old, beautiful, satisfying dance. I can't wait to hear the music again. See, the more love I have to give to the world, the more I need someone to love me, really, fully, in all my naked weakness, in my utterly human vulnerablility. The more I need him. He is my treasure.
All the crazy events my "love" life has attracted recently notwithstanding, this is the "event" I am most excited about- I don't have to be so goddamn enlightened about it. I don't have to be wide-open and egoless. I don't have to experience this love in a "universal" way. That kind of love requires you to be strong, naked, fearless. Only boddhisattvas and ascetics can maintain such compassion and mindfulness full time, and continually denounce their own ego's desires in favor of letting all beings take and give love through them. It is a comendable state of existance, but it can also be exhausting, and sometimes, I feel like... I'm just not strong enough or pure enough, to keep it up all the time. I can't help feeling a little bittersweet twinge at it- I'm learning so much in the way of how to stay in "love" with the world, but I get to keep so little of it for myself, my ridiculously petty ego... my still beating woman's heart.
I'm not a priestess or buddha or crone yet, and even if I was, I still need to play by this world's rules for aging and timing of the current life I'm living. I wouldn't have incarnated here and now, like this, if I wasn't meant to be here and now, like this.
And "like this" still means I am young, and in love, and in lust, and I long to feel my man's hands in my hair, and his breath on my lips, and his cock in my...
well... anyway.
In all honesty, I would settle for a smile, for just feeling his hand grip mine... just to have someone to sit at the dinner table with.
I've gotten older; more hardened. I don't cry myself to sleep anymore, and I don't constantly vibrate with that bottomless pit of an ache in my stomach, bones and skin. I go about my business, I do my job, I keep it professional. I put my heart's id on a leash so tight, it barely interferes with my daily life anymore.
But the months go by, and when I stop to remember, the ache is still there, just a couple of layers deeper under the surface than it had been. And there is the lonliness that I'm just not enlightened enough to get around, no matter how much agape flows through my soul, out from the univeral pool through me into the world, and back in from the world through me returning to the universal pool. I can't be arrogant enough to think that it is somehow my own doing, my own merits that earn me goodwill. It is because I am operating as Love's agent, "blessed" with return feed because I open myself to the exercise of compassion. The soul feels love, and responds like a plant to sunlight. But I am not the sun; I am just the moon, reflecting the light to others that shines on me. You see how, I can't take the credit for that, not when I'm really honest with myself. It has nothing to do with me, really, it's just that I am a conveniently willing soul in a conveniently available body, conveniently incarnated on this plane right now, and worse, I have invited the gods to use me as they will. If the entity that is my soul deserves any personal credit for Self-catalyzed acts, it is only in that, long ago, I asked God to use me. That may have been the most foolish thing I've ever done.
But sometimes, I get tired of being just a conduit. I want to be a reciever. I need someone to complete my internal circuits.
When Matt gets here, it will be just about the two of us, the romance between a man and woman... This is about me and him. It's an old, beautiful, satisfying dance. I can't wait to hear the music again. See, the more love I have to give to the world, the more I need someone to love me, really, fully, in all my naked weakness, in my utterly human vulnerablility. The more I need him. He is my treasure.
