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Nov. 1st, 2004 07:22 pmHe's back. Got back to Cali last night, safe, sound and in one peice. I am so glad. I was so worried. Somehow he scraped by and made it. Somehow the gas held out. Somehow his truck didn't fall apart.
Now to see if he has a job left...
...the relief I feel is probably as strong as his. Maybe stronger. (probably not, though. He has been through hell personally, and I'm just biting my nails from across the country.)
The first thing he did when he got home was have a drink.
I didn't blame him... but later during his only attention to his... err, religious observance of the night, he had to have more liquor and he also made a rash and grasping decision regarding his cats.
On one hand, I feel like, who am I to judge? He's in grief, he hasn't had time to acknowledge it, or deal with it, and he's had that be a part of him for so long that I don't think he can bear the thought of being without it. Maybe it's just something he needs, something he will always have to have... Maybe he really did find a replacement.
But on the other hand, to pounce on the next opportunity so fast... I feel it was a rash decision, and it worried me the way he was self-rationalizing it over the phone, so quickly.
But then yet again, on the other, OTHER hand.... Samhain is a powerful night.
I'm not saying it couldn't have happened, I'm just saying I think it was a little too quick and he spent a little too much time verbally rationalizing it to himself out loud, either for my benefit or his, and I wanted to tell him to calm down, and take his time, and that it was not necessary to convince me of anything. And I wanted to tell him that the way in which he was using alchohol made me sad because it seemed like an old life pattern that has been reinforced these past two months as a self-medicant, and not the life pattern regarding alchohol he taught me, which was to never drink alone and never drink when upset.
Again, I cannot honestly say I blame him... just that I wish he was dealing with things in a different, less manic sort of way. I feel like he's caught between feeling pressure from all sides and doesn't know how to deal with it. I feel like he feels pressure from his old friends to be the Matt they used to know, the Matt he would have been had he stayed and "grown up" with them. Sitting around, shootin' the shit, talking to each other in vague terms that maintain and reinforce everyone's manliness, and drinking because, well, it's the thing to do.
I do realize I'm a girl, and this is a typically girly way to think of things, but... fuck. That's not the man I met. Or, well, I guess it was, just before I met him. It's weird to see it now. It makes a lot of sense, but I know one thing- if he had stayed, and grown up with them, and turned out like them, I wouldn't have ever given him the time of day. I don't envy his best friend's girlfriend, not one whit. I don't care how big his cock is.
I think he also feels pressure because of the lost time, lost money, lost job....pressure because of his parents' needs-- to help them, and to move out on time. Pressure on him from me because I am sad and depressed all the time, and because he feels guilty because he's not here yet, but that's not what I want(for him to feel guilty)-- I just want us both to do what's necessary to make this work, because we love each other, and I think eventually it will work. The deadline is past, Samhain is over, it's the new year now. I knew he wouldn't be here; I knew it in the pit of my stomach this summer when he started tweaking plans again, pushing back deadlines, and I got upset then but... It doesn't really matter to me when he gets here now, because I know I will not die of a broken heart, and I know my love for him isn't going anywhere, if it's been tested so and hasn't dried up yet. So all that matters to me is that he gets here, eventually.
I am worried he will not let himself rest. I am worried that he did not seem to grieve Sebastian's loss, and that he hung up with me for a total of two minutes, before calling me back to say he'd found Sebastian's replacement.
Why would he call me in such a private moment, if he was in meditation about it before?
And there was barely enough time to get into a spiritual headspace, from chatting to me normally as if nothing else was going on, to hanging up with a "call ya right back!" And then to call me back and say, "he's just agreed..."
Like, "guess what, we're getting married!"
So quick... I just.. don't know.
I mean, of course... it was Samhain, and of course anything is possible... but when it sounds, smells, and feels like a completely different motivation to me, where all of this scenario came from...I mean, I just don't know.
I wish....I wish I could just kiss his soul and the jolt of love would make him just...stop, or freeze for a minute and rest, and think clearly. I wish I could give him a soul bath, and he could just soak in it, and ground and center and be refreshed and cleansed. But I don't think... I can give him anything, right now. I don't know if it's my place, or my lesson to teach him... besides, he seems to be learning the hard lessons on his own right now. I'm just sorry I'm not there to give him some comfort. I'm sorry I've been stretched too thin to help.
On a more positive note (and also as a nice segway(sp?)from being stretched too thin to help anyone, even myself):
Last night was Samhain, and I made a start of cleaning my life out. I stayed home and cleaned my room, did all my laundry, left food out for the spirits, lit some candles, talked aloud to my dead children in case they were listening, cried out most of my unresolved anger and sadness, and just generally put the world on hold so I could stop and rest and re-connect and re-ground.
For the most part, I feel much better about life today.
Everything that was agitating me is still there but I am...going to be okay. I think. "I" will continue on, continue learning, and adapting, and being me, no matter what. My family's disapproval doesn't bother me...the election doesn't bother me, the fact that I have a hellish week of school ahead doesn't really bother me either...
I learned a Hawaiian phrase last night, that I can't really remember now but basically it meant, "All knowledge is not taught in the same school." It was very comforting because... I get so fed up here, working so hard for tasks I'm not suited for and getting suck-ass grades. It's hard not to feel like a total failure most of the time. But all knowledge is not taught in the same school. Just because I attend an Ivy League university, doesn't mean I'm a total loser of a person if I don't succeed at the games they play here. I still have my life. I still have my own identity. I still learn lessons every day that have nothing to do with grades- I still help others learn lessons every day that have nothing to do with grades. So this stuff is not my forte. That doesn't mean I'm a clueless idiot.
Now if I can just keep this in my mind every time I am faced with a situation that reinforces the concept that success in the Ivy Leagues and personal self-worth are directly correlated... I'll be doin' good.
It is the New Year. I am cleaning out the old. Trying to make room for the new. Looking to the future.
Today I got a few positive reinforcements, one confirmation of an article being published and one potential contact for future resume building, and a couple of people told me they liked my outfit or thought I looked good, even though I've worn this same old thing like a thousand times before.
I believe it is because, as the book I am currently reading says, it is a spiritual law that you attract what energy you are resonating with, and currently I am resonating with self-confidence. I did not say brimming over with, or radiating, but just resonating, like a guitar string, kind of quietly-- like, I'm just over the line of managing to convince myself I do not royally suck.
I'm maintaining that toehold. I am just...walking with my head up, and looking around. Nothing more, because there's no way I could push myself into happy-happy-joy-joy mode, but I am taking a small step.
To close with a completely random thought for the day:
I realized this morning as I was waiting for the bus and the day was grey as a stone but my world was chillin' because of the music on my headphones-- if I ever get pregnant in the future, I am going to get an extra set of headphones and play Buena Vista Social Club on my tummy for my baby. They say you should do that, with classical music, and I'm sure I will, too, but I want them to know something of passion and sorrow and pain and beauty and the dance of life.
I don't know why, but for some reason this thought made me extremely happy, almost as happy as listening to Buena Vista Social Club myself.
Now to see if he has a job left...
...the relief I feel is probably as strong as his. Maybe stronger. (probably not, though. He has been through hell personally, and I'm just biting my nails from across the country.)
The first thing he did when he got home was have a drink.
I didn't blame him... but later during his only attention to his... err, religious observance of the night, he had to have more liquor and he also made a rash and grasping decision regarding his cats.
On one hand, I feel like, who am I to judge? He's in grief, he hasn't had time to acknowledge it, or deal with it, and he's had that be a part of him for so long that I don't think he can bear the thought of being without it. Maybe it's just something he needs, something he will always have to have... Maybe he really did find a replacement.
But on the other hand, to pounce on the next opportunity so fast... I feel it was a rash decision, and it worried me the way he was self-rationalizing it over the phone, so quickly.
But then yet again, on the other, OTHER hand.... Samhain is a powerful night.
I'm not saying it couldn't have happened, I'm just saying I think it was a little too quick and he spent a little too much time verbally rationalizing it to himself out loud, either for my benefit or his, and I wanted to tell him to calm down, and take his time, and that it was not necessary to convince me of anything. And I wanted to tell him that the way in which he was using alchohol made me sad because it seemed like an old life pattern that has been reinforced these past two months as a self-medicant, and not the life pattern regarding alchohol he taught me, which was to never drink alone and never drink when upset.
Again, I cannot honestly say I blame him... just that I wish he was dealing with things in a different, less manic sort of way. I feel like he's caught between feeling pressure from all sides and doesn't know how to deal with it. I feel like he feels pressure from his old friends to be the Matt they used to know, the Matt he would have been had he stayed and "grown up" with them. Sitting around, shootin' the shit, talking to each other in vague terms that maintain and reinforce everyone's manliness, and drinking because, well, it's the thing to do.
I do realize I'm a girl, and this is a typically girly way to think of things, but... fuck. That's not the man I met. Or, well, I guess it was, just before I met him. It's weird to see it now. It makes a lot of sense, but I know one thing- if he had stayed, and grown up with them, and turned out like them, I wouldn't have ever given him the time of day. I don't envy his best friend's girlfriend, not one whit. I don't care how big his cock is.
I think he also feels pressure because of the lost time, lost money, lost job....pressure because of his parents' needs-- to help them, and to move out on time. Pressure on him from me because I am sad and depressed all the time, and because he feels guilty because he's not here yet, but that's not what I want(for him to feel guilty)-- I just want us both to do what's necessary to make this work, because we love each other, and I think eventually it will work. The deadline is past, Samhain is over, it's the new year now. I knew he wouldn't be here; I knew it in the pit of my stomach this summer when he started tweaking plans again, pushing back deadlines, and I got upset then but... It doesn't really matter to me when he gets here now, because I know I will not die of a broken heart, and I know my love for him isn't going anywhere, if it's been tested so and hasn't dried up yet. So all that matters to me is that he gets here, eventually.
I am worried he will not let himself rest. I am worried that he did not seem to grieve Sebastian's loss, and that he hung up with me for a total of two minutes, before calling me back to say he'd found Sebastian's replacement.
Why would he call me in such a private moment, if he was in meditation about it before?
And there was barely enough time to get into a spiritual headspace, from chatting to me normally as if nothing else was going on, to hanging up with a "call ya right back!" And then to call me back and say, "he's just agreed..."
Like, "guess what, we're getting married!"
So quick... I just.. don't know.
I mean, of course... it was Samhain, and of course anything is possible... but when it sounds, smells, and feels like a completely different motivation to me, where all of this scenario came from...I mean, I just don't know.
I wish....I wish I could just kiss his soul and the jolt of love would make him just...stop, or freeze for a minute and rest, and think clearly. I wish I could give him a soul bath, and he could just soak in it, and ground and center and be refreshed and cleansed. But I don't think... I can give him anything, right now. I don't know if it's my place, or my lesson to teach him... besides, he seems to be learning the hard lessons on his own right now. I'm just sorry I'm not there to give him some comfort. I'm sorry I've been stretched too thin to help.
On a more positive note (and also as a nice segway(sp?)from being stretched too thin to help anyone, even myself):
Last night was Samhain, and I made a start of cleaning my life out. I stayed home and cleaned my room, did all my laundry, left food out for the spirits, lit some candles, talked aloud to my dead children in case they were listening, cried out most of my unresolved anger and sadness, and just generally put the world on hold so I could stop and rest and re-connect and re-ground.
For the most part, I feel much better about life today.
Everything that was agitating me is still there but I am...going to be okay. I think. "I" will continue on, continue learning, and adapting, and being me, no matter what. My family's disapproval doesn't bother me...the election doesn't bother me, the fact that I have a hellish week of school ahead doesn't really bother me either...
I learned a Hawaiian phrase last night, that I can't really remember now but basically it meant, "All knowledge is not taught in the same school." It was very comforting because... I get so fed up here, working so hard for tasks I'm not suited for and getting suck-ass grades. It's hard not to feel like a total failure most of the time. But all knowledge is not taught in the same school. Just because I attend an Ivy League university, doesn't mean I'm a total loser of a person if I don't succeed at the games they play here. I still have my life. I still have my own identity. I still learn lessons every day that have nothing to do with grades- I still help others learn lessons every day that have nothing to do with grades. So this stuff is not my forte. That doesn't mean I'm a clueless idiot.
Now if I can just keep this in my mind every time I am faced with a situation that reinforces the concept that success in the Ivy Leagues and personal self-worth are directly correlated... I'll be doin' good.
It is the New Year. I am cleaning out the old. Trying to make room for the new. Looking to the future.
Today I got a few positive reinforcements, one confirmation of an article being published and one potential contact for future resume building, and a couple of people told me they liked my outfit or thought I looked good, even though I've worn this same old thing like a thousand times before.
I believe it is because, as the book I am currently reading says, it is a spiritual law that you attract what energy you are resonating with, and currently I am resonating with self-confidence. I did not say brimming over with, or radiating, but just resonating, like a guitar string, kind of quietly-- like, I'm just over the line of managing to convince myself I do not royally suck.
I'm maintaining that toehold. I am just...walking with my head up, and looking around. Nothing more, because there's no way I could push myself into happy-happy-joy-joy mode, but I am taking a small step.
To close with a completely random thought for the day:
I realized this morning as I was waiting for the bus and the day was grey as a stone but my world was chillin' because of the music on my headphones-- if I ever get pregnant in the future, I am going to get an extra set of headphones and play Buena Vista Social Club on my tummy for my baby. They say you should do that, with classical music, and I'm sure I will, too, but I want them to know something of passion and sorrow and pain and beauty and the dance of life.
I don't know why, but for some reason this thought made me extremely happy, almost as happy as listening to Buena Vista Social Club myself.
