silentwaters: (Default)
It is amusing when people try to define me through the culturally-accepted mythos that human society perfectly mimics a dog pack or wolf pack.
I've met so many people who will go around trumpeting "I'm the alpha! I'm the alpha!"
And then they will go around and try to put everyone in their social circle into their place.

Thing is, when they get to me, they usually pause; I will see the wheels churning behind their eyes and yet they don't know how to define me within their paradigm, because... I don't enjoy power games and I don't get the point of manipulating others around me to "Get ahead", yet I often find everyone in the social group deferring to me, my ideas, or my counsel after a short while. Given enough time, almost everyone will come to tell me something personal or secret, thus giving me "power" over them (should I suddenly decide to become some gossipy bitch, which of course is just not how I roll. I believe it is *because* they sense I'm trustworthy that they tell me these things, and I wouldn't be so cruel as to let them down). Almost everyone will decide I am cool and they like me, and want me around. I don't usually have problems making friends. And they will often look to me for de facto leadership, or ask me to be in charge of tricky projects, even if I don't put myself up for it.
But "Alpha males" often seem to feel the need to re-affirm their control mechanism around me, to verbally remind me of their position, and the only reason I can think of for that is, on some level, maybe they feel threatened?

I've had someone tell me, after a long pause for thought, that I must be an Omega, since she felt I was "outside the structure". But after I read up on Omegas I knew she couldn't possibly have meant that in it's literal sense, because in that group I was not some social pariah begging for dinner scraps and being shunned by the other friends in our circle; looking back I see that I was at least an equal partner and a respected counsel. When I had something to say people listened. They sought me out. I never once felt like a fifth wheel or an outcast. But I understand where she was coming from; in her view, she saw herself and her lover as the alphas, her secondary lover and other friends as betas, and me? Well... I didn't lead. I didn't follow. But they wanted me around. But I was outside the power structure. So that must mean I was... Omega, from her point of view. Not because she hated me, but because she couldn't see how to make me fit into her simplistic analogy any other way.


I've had another alpha male tell me, after wrinkling his brow for a few seconds, that he thought I must be 'like a Beta looking to be an Alpha', minutes after he'd applied that same analogy to his own dog, whom he was play-kicking around and talking about how he had to "keep her in her place" even when he didn't want to, lest she become unruly and scare off their houseguests.
I thought it was interesting that he decided on the same analogy for me, although even as he said it, it was like he was almost grasping at straws, not quite sure if he believed it himself. Did he mean that he felt it would sometimes be okay to kick me around too? I wondered.
I didn't argue with him because he was drunk, and I don't like to delve into deep philosophical conversations with people when they're drunk, because usually all they do is argue for the hell of arguing, and not remember anything about the conversation later except for the feeling of confrontation. If he had been totally sober, we might have had a different conversation. But I am a little tired of people trying to put me in a box when they really don't know me as well as they think they do.

This is a very patriarchal guy, and I rejected patriarchy a long time ago. My father was a very patriarchal man. I was raised in a conservative christian household and got infused with that paradigm from an early age; even believed in it for a long time, because I loved and respected God and I wanted to be a good Christian, giving gratitude and deference where they were due.
But over time, my relationship with my Creator led me to understand that I am only to bow in deference to Him/Her, and below God, all other humans are created equal. By the grace of God, I am a free thinking, free living individual and I have nothing to fear from any man.
It's funny, because I think a lot of people get the impression that I'm a disrespectful punk, when really, given the right conditions, I'm the most deferential, worshipful person you'll meet. I take the sacred as sacred. I hold awe and wonder for the Unknown in the Universe and I don't arrogantly assume I'm at the top of the food chain. I give respect where it is due.
I just don't grovel where it isn't due.

I do respect men, and I love men. I'm no feminazi-cock-hating-frigid-bitch.
I love teh cock, and I love the way good men smell, and I have no problem appreciating the differences between the sexes and marveling at how we each have areas of strength and weakness, yin and yang, and we are designed to fit together. But a yin yang is a symbol of balance, and I see male and female energies as designed to balance out. It's an equal partnership, and we all contain a little seed of each other inside that allows us to really grok each other, if we stop to think about it with compassion and set aside the ego for a bit. If you think about it, whatever sex you are, you can understand and appreciate the other sexes' point of view- to oversimplify in medical terms, we all contain testosterone and estrogen in the right mix. It's not, as some people think, just testosterone for men and estrogen for women. It's just our chromosomes that determine the ratio of the mix that's right for our gender. But we complement each other nicely. That's what that tiny contrasting dot is about, in each half of the yin yang. In the heart of the opposition lies the perfect seed of its antithesis. That is why we all need each other. We are separate, equal, and intimately connected because we share inner knowledge of each other within ourselves, although some people are at a higher level of awareness about that than others. I think this manifests itself sometimes when you see men who are "in touch with their feminine side" and vice versa.
I think this is a universal truth, and a natural way of life. We all are one, in the end, after all.

But because I know I am an equal part of the whole, I am sovereign unto myself and I need submit to no man; likewise, I do not demand that they submit to me (brief episodes of sexual play notwithstanding).
In a relationship, I demand freedom of personality and I offer the same to my partner.

This patriarchal guy senses that about me, and it puts him off, but it intrigues him, but it puts him off, but it intrigues him, but it puts him off...
It's emotionally exhausting to be around him for a while, because this dynamic between us frustrates him, so he's always looking for a fight. And the way he frames the fight is that I am starting the fight with him, when I do nothing of the sort- I am never looking for a fight, only refusing to back down until I'm heard, usually because he asked for my opinion in the first place.
Where we are on the same page, he's overjoyed at how instantly I "get" him. When we differ in opinion, then "I've picked a fight". I spend more energy talking him down from his emotional aggro so we can get back to talking about the actual subject at hand, while he spends more energy talking about how he can't understand why he fights with me more than anyone else in the group.

I think he fights with me because:
a) he wants to understand our dynamic because it intrigues him that I don't back down, but he's the one putting it in the framework of "fighting" because
b) somewhere deep inside him, he feels it isn't right for a woman to be on equal terms of authority with him and
c) sometimes it's just too much for his ego to take and he loses his cool, but he gets even more frustrated because
d) I don't really fight back. I only stand my ground. Which confuses him, and then he really feels like I'm pushing his buttons because he's looking for a fight and he's getting only defense, not offense from me.

I am not the Beta looking for an opening to become Alpha. If I think your idea's worth supporting, I'll support it and give you deference. If I think my idea's better, I'll stand my ground. I don't care really who's in charge at the moment. If I'm in charge, it's nice, it's easy- I tell people what to do and they do it. If I'm not in charge, I'm prepared to share my idea for the good of the group, and I'll champion it unless someone else is able to logically explain why their idea is best. And then I'll champion their idea instead. Or we'll come to a compromise, and sometimes the best solutions come from the friction of grinding your heads together until you smelt that brainstorming ore into pure gold.
So I'm not afraid of confrontation. I welcome discussion, even argument. I think it's healthy sometimes. I also pick my battles; I'm constantly assessing whether it's worth it to push or not. So sometimes I yield. And sometimes I don't.
That doesn't mean I'm a Beta or Alpha or whatever. It means I'm an engaged participant in the social group, and I do my best to fill the role where I see I can be of most use. If that's leading, fine. If that's following, fine. If that's warning the herd that trouble's coming even though I'm not the leader, fine. If that's shutting the fuck up and lending focus to the leader's goals, fine.
I'm always analyzing where I can help the most, and it takes more than a simple wolf pack paradigm overlayed on our collective psyche to "put me in my place".

I reject those terms anyway; human social dynamics are more of a complicated dance and can't always be reduced to such simplistic terms- I'm not saying the wolf pack analogy isn't true to some degree, but that it's like... trying to explain the material world in the old Platonic terms of Earth, Air, Fire, and Water.
Okay, yeah, 4 elements. 5, if you count Spirit (or if you go to the Eastern rather than Western tradition and throw in Metal and change Earth to Wood).
That was a nice explanation that worked for developing civilizations, and it makes some intuitive and spiritual sense. That's why a lot of modern Pagans still gravitate to it. It even resonates with me spiritually, and I can feel an intuitive sense about whether an object is imbued with fire-like qualities or air-like qualities, etc. and I can use that when developing solitary rituals for myself, or building an altar, or tapping in to the Jungian collective unconscious in my shamanic lifestyle.

But through scientific research, we developed the Periodic Table of the Elements, and I would submit it's much more accurate to describe the material world in terms of 115 elements, not four. I've yet to meet a Pagan who calls on the power of Hydrogen and the power of Boron in their rituals, but I bet if they did, they might get some interesting results.
Likewise, if you're going to seriously postulate on social dynamics, a primitive anecdotal framework isn't necessarily the most accurate lens to see through.


Even in a sexual sense, the best that can be said of me is that I'm a switch. I don't always fantasize about Dominance/Submission, but... I'd say I do it fairly often. I will admit that I have rape fantasies and other extreme inappropriate ideas that sometimes make me uncomfortable later, with my non-sexual part of my mind. But I am comforted by the fact that

A) I don't always take one side over the other. Sometimes I fantasize about being Dom, sometimes Sub, sometimes both at the same time! I can completely get into the headspace of both and it's the whole dynamic, rather than one side or the other, which is the beautiful thing- the desire to take and the desire to be taken, the eternal dance of predator and prey. To enjoy both sides is to understand and be unified with something primal.

B) I know, within myself, that in real life I would never commit a sexual crime that way- I have no desire to live out my fantasies to the detriment of an innocent human being. I'd never consciously take someone by non-consensual sexual force in real life. By the same token, I understand that real rape is a terrible, hollow experience and I expect there would be real and lasting emotional fallout from being actually raped, and I'd never enjoy it, in real life.

It's something else about non-con that makes me hot, and I think a lot of it has to do with the romantic fantasy of being forced to stop and enjoy yourself whether you think you're able to or not. It's the end of excuses; On the victim side, it's the total abdication of responsibility- oh my god, to breathe a sigh of relief that I don't have to be in control! I can really let go, be free! There's a peace and comfort in that, and a thrill of knowing you are the total focus of attention and you WILL be moved and shaken to your core, even if you spend most of your time in a social coma, even if you spend your days as a dowdy office marm, you can somehow be transformed into an object of desire- the jewel, the precious slut. It's the one time you can get through your own walls enough to let out your deepest desire, and be appreciated for whatever it is you're most embarrassed/self-conscious about. It's total freedom, through bondage of the rest of the self that gets in your own way.
On the Predator side, it's the total immersion of knowing your will is done, there is no resistance more powerful than you, and not only will you lead, but the follower will love you for it. It's ultimately good for both of you, and part of the orgasm is the "Unh!" dominance of knowing you did a fucking fantastic job and the slave is satisfied with what you did, even if you had to override their initial resistance. It's the pleasure of feeling your own mastery, of gratification of your wishes, acknowledgment that you are worthy of ultimate respect- who doesn't like to feel worshipped and appreciated? Who doesn't like the comfort of feeling "in control" of their own domain? Some people need that in their sexual lives because they don't get it in any other aspect of their lives.


Yet, a lot of people misunderstand where the power and control truly lies in a Dom/sub relationship. It's a dynamic thing. You could see it as the sub passively waiting to receive pleasure, while the Dom has to spend a lot of time and effort keeping the sub busy and engaged- so who is serving who, now?
Again, it goes back to the yin yang, and that little dot on both sides. In the heart of the opposition lies the perfect seed of its antithesis.

I notice that the more helpless I feel at the office, the more fantasies of dominance I start to have sexually, but at the same time, the more responsibility I feel piled on around me, the more I take relief in feeling that weight taken from me- by force, if necessary.
Sometimes when I'm masturbating and I come the hardest, I'm fully in the middle of reveling in both predator and prey's perspective at the same time.

But honestly, I don't need sex to be a power play to enjoy it. Fantasizing and masturbation are one thing, but in real life, I often find I enjoy sex the most when it's an equal sharing of love and lust, between me and a lover I can honor and feel honored by. When I feel beautiful in his eyes, and he feels handsome in mine, and this intimacy is something that we both want and I know it, and I feel surrounded by love and filled by love and I'm reflecting that love back onto him and taking him into myself and giving as much as I'm getting, god it's... it's so good that way, you know? It doesn't have to be a BDSM game, it doesn't have to be a dog and pony show. In real life, I don't necessarily want to feel like I'm only "getting my own way", because I like reciprocating too; I like knowing that you're getting pleasure too. I love the faces my lover makes, and the way his toes curl up when he's getting ready to come, and I love knowing that I helped get him there. At the same time, I don't necessarily want to feel like I'm a totally subjugated slut- honor me as a woman, appreciate that I'm giving my body to you, and I will do the same for you as my lover.
It doesn't have to be epic or theatrical, it just has to be real, and raw, and connected in the mind and heart- the pussy follows that, but the mind and heart are still satisfied long after the inflamed genitals go back to normal.
I know, I know, it's asking a lot- I might masturbate to a lot of crazy things, but when it comes to real sex, I'm not satisfied with just the casual fucking.
I want the emotional rightness to be there, or it's not working for me.


When I wear a collar out in public (like to a goth club or whatever), it's because I put it on myself. I don't mind letting people think what they will, but to me, it's usually little more than a fashion statement. I'll take it off when I choose.

Anyone who assumes they can have instant control of me because of it is in for a sharp surprise.

I'm don't really see myself as an alpha, or beta, or omega, or whatever. I don't really spend a lot of time thinking about it.
In a tribal dynamic, I would probably be a shaman, a priestess, outside the normal pecking order, able to walk between planes because that is my job. I can unify the people and bring them together, not because I have to be the chieftain, but because regardless of the position I'm holding, I love them and they love me. I try not to talk down to them or spout bullshit to them in their time of need- I try to give thoughtful solutions to complex problems.
I'm a maker, a creator, a counselor, an empty vessel who allows myself to be filled with good inspiration so I can share it with others. I enjoy learning, and I enjoy teaching.

However that makes me appear to others who are busy playing the power-ladder game isn't my concern.
I have my own power. I don't need theirs.

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silentwaters

May 2015

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