silentwaters: (Default)
mmm... I just had a really hard orgasm thinking of you (yes, you, you know who you are)...

but it was pretty kinky... )

it's so funny how your brain chemistry changes so sharply after you orgasm... it's hard for me to write what I was just thinking about, because it makes me blush and even sort of... embarrasses me, to think that I really would get off to something like that. But I felt it was important to capture it, whether it's something we ever really do or not....
And now that I've come, I find myself still fantasizing about you, only it's much more romantic and sweet... you snuggling with me in bed, my head on your chest, your arms around me... maybe still feeling you inside me, getting soft, but still having that intimate contact there, your cum warm and creamy between my thighs... satified smiles on both our faces... me falling asleep to the rhythm of your heartbeat....
...after I come, I need to know you aren't going to just get up and leave me... I want to feel you there, with me, holding me close... I don't understand why, but I have this tendency to feel so lonely and depressed right after I orgasm it takes my breath away, stings my throat with tears.... it's like only your presence can ward it off, reassure whatever is so afraid in me that I'm not being abandoned... I feel so exposed, so vulnerable- for no good reason-- I was obviously fine with my nakedness just milliseconds before. My skin aches to be touched, to know that you're really there. it's like all my energy in my aura feels like it could be sucked away at any moment, now that we're not connected through sex- but I had to open myself to let you in, to let myself experience release...and now I need a few minutes to gather myself back to me, and put up wards again. During that small period of time, it's...almost like... you're my only shield against the terrifying universe. I feel more naked than when we're actually having sex.
I know this all probably sounds...silly or ridiculous. But... it's the closest I've come to being able to describe it yet.
A lot of times, when I masturbate, I feel this too- and it's so awful, being alone in those moments. I am almost afraid to have a deep, satisfying orgasm by myself anymore, becuase of how... awful it is just after I come down from the high- it's so crushing, I just curl up in a ball to hide from... what? I don't know. and it seems to be proportionate to the strength of the orgasm- the stronger it is, the more depressed I feel after the inital "high" evaporates. My body feels lighter but my spirit feels heavier, almost every time I masturbate. the "improved seratonin levels" do seem to take effect after a while, leveling out my mood, but it's not uncommon for me to experience... this ... fear or depression after orgasm. Or even self- hatred. Like... I don't deserve what small happiness I just had. Why?
Is it my energy? Is there some spirit or demon trying to devour my life force? *lol* is it some psychological phenomenon- some deep seated issue I didn't even know I had? I can't think for the life of me when I've ever been traumatized to the point that it would leave this sort of mark on my ...soul, if you can call it that. Is it just the sudden brain chemistry change, and perhaps mine is slightly out of whack or goes to more extreme high-highs and low-lows?
I don't generally think of myself as a crazy person. But what if I am? What if there's really something... wrong with me... I mean, it could be as simple as a chemical imbalance. Maybe I'm not the only woman who feels this way... maybe I should see if there's any medical research on it. But.... I don't know. In the end, what could a doctor do? precribe me expensive pills that I have to take daily, or anytime I want to have sex or masturbate? I mean.... it's cheaper and probably more comforting to have you just hold me for a while. And I mean, don't get me wrong- I still have a vibrant sex drive and I reallyreallyreally love sex a LOT, and am capable of enjoying all kinds of different mental fantasies, and this... phenomenon doesn't scare me away from wanting to have sex at all. Besides, as long as you're there with me, it's not so bad. in fact, depending on how snuggly or protective you are, I will feel totally safe and fine. but ... just... rarr. I don't know.
Gah. My own sexual nature confuses me a lot.
That's why I feel the need to write about it somewhere.
Paper can be found and read by prying eyes, but this journal is relatively safe, as you, my love, are the only one who knows who I really am...


silentwaters: (Default)

May 2015

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