argh

Apr. 22nd, 2015 08:54 pm
silentwaters: (silent)
[personal profile] silentwaters
I keep wanting to post here. But there's been no time. And my life is not set up to give me time, space, peace and quiet, or internet access at the same time. I have those things individually, just not together.
Today is no exception, I really don't have time for this either. Ha!

But just wanted to say things are going well.
Really... really well. For the first time in a long time, things are really looking up. I might even stop holding my breath sometime this year.

He's talking about buying a home and getting married like it's already going to happen (no official proposal yet though, but he's been making stronger allusions to it lately and laying out some more financial details to me and stuff that requires a level of trust that implies he is dead serious about me... I find myself actually looking forward to it (a proposal from him? A marriage to him? both, I guess) with a sweet feeling in my heart... which is so weird. It's ridiculous that I could even think about hoping to have this in my life. Life is... I... I... I don't know. I don't know I don't want to jinx anything ...omg.)

But for the first time in my life I feel like... I'm becoming a real woman, and I want to give this... real...woman...ness... to a real man and... I have a real man I could actually... theoretically give it to. And it's making me all giddy and fucked up inside. But not in a bad way. Because I'm still a realist. And I know there are no guarantees in life. But I feel like... as risky as it is to be in a relationship with anyone now days...
...God help me, but... He is a chance I'm willing to take.

This floaty feeling in my body is either healing grace, or blissful stupidity.
But whatever... I'll take it.

K gotta run for now.
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