happy thought
Feb. 4th, 2015 07:13 pm![[personal profile]](http://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silentwatersI woke up this morning before him. And I rolled over and laid my head on his chest, and put my hand over his heart, kinda, and without opening his eyes, he immediately clasped his hand over mine, and wrapped his other arm around my shoulders, nestling me close, turning his chin toward my head and resting his beard lightly on top of my hair.
It was so sweet and instinctive.
I let my eyes drift closed again and just smiled into his chest so big, because I couldn't help it. A single thought drifted through my mind.
'I am the happiest girl in the world.'
I just laid there in the quiet, smiling with my eyes closed, infused with sunshine streaming through our curtains and a feeling of warm sparks drifting up and out of me, I felt as golden and light and fizzy inside as a glass of champagne.
The nearness of him does that to me. It has ever since that first night that we "slept" together, laying chaste and fully clothed all night on a friend's guest bed with the room door open, no sexual activity, just… enjoying each other's physical proximity.
'Wait-' I thought suddenly, my eyes opening-- 'did I just think to myself, "I am the happiest girl in the world"? …why?'…
I didn't move but suddenly became cognizant of my thoughts in a more wakeful way. I was staring at our hands together. His resting calmly on top of mine, our thumbs touching.
We haven't had sex in about 2 days, so it wasn't post-coital rush of oxytocin.
We had both gone to bed exhausted from working late last night, without showering, so it wasn't that good-good just-showered "mmmmm" thing. And he was actually wearing a t-shirt and boxers so it wasn't like that… skin-on-skin contact high that sometimes happens.
I wasn't thinking about anything in particular, no particular memory or joy or sadness or hope or plan or particular aspect of him or our being together. I wasn't thinking of all the things I have to worry about, like our money and job situation and the interview I just lost with a company I liked, and the one I have next week with a corporation I'm unsure about, but they basically headhunted me. I wasn't thinking about the upcoming visit with my family which is going to be stressful. I wasn't particularly horny. I wasn't thinking of anything, just kind of drifting around in the brain state of having been in REM sleep less than 5 minutes ago.
And that was just my genuine thought, that came out of nowhere, while quietly laying in his arms.
I am the happiest girl in the world.
gosh, I hope… I mean I know there are only two certainties in life, Death & Taxes, but… as foolish as it is, I hope he really does stay around.
I know he's not the MOST handsome or the MOST witty or the MOST compassionate or the RICHEST or the MOST perfect but… can you even imagine, compared to where I was in fall of 2012, where I really was pretty convinced I had no reason to even stay on this planet anymore, and was about ready to fuck off and kill myself because I was so fucking done? You can't. You can't even imagine it, unless you've lived through it, or something similar- that's no disrespect to you, Dear Reader. I can hardly imagine it myself now, and I was there, I still remember it. (Though I admit, my life now is much healthier, to the point I hardly find the need to obsess over that darkness on a daily basis.)
And whether it is true that I am, in fact, the happiest girl in the world or not… the point is that I genuinely FELT this way, for once in my life - a pure and unfiltered thought, rising up like a bubble to the surface of my consciousness, and popping in a puff of ephemeral photons once I actually noticed it.
I'm not gonna over think it, you guys.
I'm just happy and grateful to be alive.
It was so sweet and instinctive.
I let my eyes drift closed again and just smiled into his chest so big, because I couldn't help it. A single thought drifted through my mind.
'I am the happiest girl in the world.'
I just laid there in the quiet, smiling with my eyes closed, infused with sunshine streaming through our curtains and a feeling of warm sparks drifting up and out of me, I felt as golden and light and fizzy inside as a glass of champagne.
The nearness of him does that to me. It has ever since that first night that we "slept" together, laying chaste and fully clothed all night on a friend's guest bed with the room door open, no sexual activity, just… enjoying each other's physical proximity.
'Wait-' I thought suddenly, my eyes opening-- 'did I just think to myself, "I am the happiest girl in the world"? …why?'…
I didn't move but suddenly became cognizant of my thoughts in a more wakeful way. I was staring at our hands together. His resting calmly on top of mine, our thumbs touching.
We haven't had sex in about 2 days, so it wasn't post-coital rush of oxytocin.
We had both gone to bed exhausted from working late last night, without showering, so it wasn't that good-good just-showered "mmmmm" thing. And he was actually wearing a t-shirt and boxers so it wasn't like that… skin-on-skin contact high that sometimes happens.
I wasn't thinking about anything in particular, no particular memory or joy or sadness or hope or plan or particular aspect of him or our being together. I wasn't thinking of all the things I have to worry about, like our money and job situation and the interview I just lost with a company I liked, and the one I have next week with a corporation I'm unsure about, but they basically headhunted me. I wasn't thinking about the upcoming visit with my family which is going to be stressful. I wasn't particularly horny. I wasn't thinking of anything, just kind of drifting around in the brain state of having been in REM sleep less than 5 minutes ago.
And that was just my genuine thought, that came out of nowhere, while quietly laying in his arms.
I am the happiest girl in the world.
gosh, I hope… I mean I know there are only two certainties in life, Death & Taxes, but… as foolish as it is, I hope he really does stay around.
I know he's not the MOST handsome or the MOST witty or the MOST compassionate or the RICHEST or the MOST perfect but… can you even imagine, compared to where I was in fall of 2012, where I really was pretty convinced I had no reason to even stay on this planet anymore, and was about ready to fuck off and kill myself because I was so fucking done? You can't. You can't even imagine it, unless you've lived through it, or something similar- that's no disrespect to you, Dear Reader. I can hardly imagine it myself now, and I was there, I still remember it. (Though I admit, my life now is much healthier, to the point I hardly find the need to obsess over that darkness on a daily basis.)
And whether it is true that I am, in fact, the happiest girl in the world or not… the point is that I genuinely FELT this way, for once in my life - a pure and unfiltered thought, rising up like a bubble to the surface of my consciousness, and popping in a puff of ephemeral photons once I actually noticed it.
I'm not gonna over think it, you guys.
I'm just happy and grateful to be alive.
