silentwaters: (silent)
[personal profile] silentwaters
We're… skittish of each other but recovering. Some good things have happened- he left to run an errand and when he came back to the office he wasn't so mad, but both wounded, we held our tongues in check. There might be more we could each say to each other but we are weighing the cost of every word; neither of us relish conflict.
I got a weird check in the mail for a refund for overpayment of late fees on an old loan I had to default on. I haven't engaged with this company for years. Like… in almost 7+ years. They're not even the same company anymore, the old debt servicing division has split off now and is handling this refund initiative in response to… a class action suit? or Government committee oversight? or something.
I'm still trying to determine whether this check is legitimate.

But it happens to be… in the exact amount… of what it would cost me to file a divorce in this state.
Exactly. To the dollar.
This money came out of nowhere.
I'm still doing my research - I took it to my bank and they said it looks real, and I can call the issuing bank and inquire about the sender of the account. A google search on the matter/ some forum posts I've found seem to indicate I'm not the only one who's recently received a check like this, and that it may, in fact, be absolutely legitimate.
And if it is… well… it's clearly a sign, what that money came to me for.
God, we're so desperate for so many other things right now.
But it's… it's to the dollar.
I really try to think with my skeptic hat most of the time but… the timing and the dollar amount are really uncanny.
It's got to be a sign. I feel like this is a "get out of bondage free" card from God, and like ...if I use this money for anything else BUT the divorce, it will be bad juju on me.

I told Mr. Man about the check and he was pretty amazed as well. He knows we have money problems but he agrees with me that it's pretty uncanny, and he stepped way back emotionally to demur like, "it's your money and yeah we have other financial needs right now (car insurance hits on the 20th and I don't have 100% of the money needed for that yet, but I do have clients owing me money right now and I might be able to call the insurance company and have them push out the charge date)… but yeah, this divorce is important and you yourself need it for your own peace of mind…" So now it's about me, not him. *eyeroll* But you know, I will be honest, he's right, this divorce is actually MORE important for me than him.
No offense, but Fuck Anyone Else when it comes to my life and the timing of my personal business, including, frankly, Mr. Man-- I didn't get all up in his business about his divorce and I've been nothing but supportive of his relationship with his kids, his ex-wife, etc., I'm SO not about creating female drama and I would never question someone's right to be an involved parent. So I expect him to give me my space to deal with my ex marriage in kind (and yes, so far, he's given it. He's only mentioned it like twice, once being last night. So that's why I'm a little iffy on how deeply he says it bothers him, but OTOH it IS something to be bothered about, and it certainly bothers the fuck out of me myself. I just have never been yet able to afford to fix it. I mean I have been desperately broke for such a long fucking time, it's become… a way of life. I'm not on welfare, I'm not on disability, I'm a hard worker, but I've been fucked over a lot in my professional/financial life- one bad decision, a couple of land mines, and some snowballing family drama, it's a thing I don't really use this blog to write about, but still, it's… a running piece of shitty Karma in my life, or a challenge lesson I'm here to overcome or something. Money is the bane of my fucking existence. I have never been comfortable in my adult life. Things like home ownership, raising children, or being fiscally responsible for a dog or cat, are things desperately beyond my realm of hope, I just have to laugh thinking about it so I don't cry. I have my pride and my work ethic so I try to never whine about it but to just find another solution and another solution and another solution, constantly hustling. So I'm working on it. and now at 32, with this last year of working my ASS off incredibly hard, I'm happy to say it's FINALLY starting to pay off, a little, and I see light at the end of this tunnel. Entrepreneurship is not for the faint of heart, let me tell you, but I realized a while back that if I ever wanted to make real money, I would need to be in business for myself.
But for now? I'm a beans and rice, never more than a quarter tank of gas in my car, 3 months behind on my rent, $40 overdrawn, terrible credit (permafucked by student loan hangover, FICO will firmly leave my credit score in an income-to-debt ratio shithole until I'm making over 6 figures, thanks), no credit-cards-having, using cash-only like an illegal immigrant lifestyle, if-I-don't-have-the-dollars-in-my-fist-I-don't-spend-them, broke-ass bitch, and he KNOWS that, and I was very upfront about my poor, nearly bankrupt, struggling life before he joined me, so for him to not contribute to rent or car insurance and then have the gall to cast aspersions on what I am or am not doing with my money, fucking kills me sometimes.) He had no stake in everything that came before he was a part of my life, and I really DO want and need this divorce for emotional closure- it's for me, not him. And have needed it for a long time. But it's like… I'm an old scarred-up warhorse, yeah I'm trotting through the woods with this fucking arrow stuck in my leg, but it's just a fucking arrow, I've got to keep going. It's just bleeding a little bit, I'm fine. Okay it's a little infected but it really only hurts when I move, but I can still move, so it's not that bad. You know?
Like, I made some money-ohhh look it's gone to rent and bills again. I made some money again-oh look it's sucked away on this or that minor emergency. I made some more money-- fuck, had to spend it to keep my business going because my main client just bitched out on me. So that "marriage license"? It's just a silent record in a database. It's just a lie in some government file. It doesn't affect anyone one a daily basis really, except, you know, me and my heart. And maybe Mr. Man and his heart, because sometimes I get the feeling he does want to marry me but can't even think of proposing.
I'm not actually married to that other guy, that world-destroying criminal, in my heart. I haven't been married to him for a very long time. The state doesn't care how I feel though. They just want their fee. A fee I don't fucking have. So I'll buy my last bit of freedom once everyone else is taken care of, you know? Once I'm financially solvent to the point that the legal fees don't mean my landlord isn't getting paid and I'm risking another month of homelessness.
Till then I'll keep marching forward with this annoying arrow stuck in my leg. That's all.
That's how I've felt about it.
Until now.

Now I feel like… I've been granted a weird reprieve by a ghostly hand.
The Universe reached out and said, here child, have the money to buy your freedom and just so you know it's not a coincidence, we're going to make this weird check refunding you for money you don't remember paying come out of nowhere for the exact dollar amount you need at this very moment.
(I don't remember overpaying particular fees. I do remember paying on this loan and wincing every month handing over 50% of my take home pay until I just couldn't anymore, and I chose to pay on cancer medical bills for the ex instead, and defaulted on this loan, so… it is possible I overpaid back then. It could be true.)

Anyway so there was that.
Then there was the fact that we went out last night (listen when I say we "went out", understand neither of us even drink alcohol. There was no cover charge. And it is good for business/networking so we kind of treat it as a professional obligation and pick our nights out carefully to show support for people who support us, which is how we both get business, and no, we're not drug dealers, lol. We did spend the gas money to get there. I put $5 in my tank but with oil prices at an all-time low I still have some left today.)
It was a productive night. We made good contacts. We each got hit up for creative project collaborations, some of which might be paying. We got offered to do a joint paying gig (2 months from now, but still, yay). And one of Mr. Man's friends as good as offered him a job, stating that he was going to try to get them both in on a well-paying opportunity with a major corporate that is hiring guys in their line of work right now, here in town, because they're expanding. The friend has 3 contacts on the inside and he's talking really hopefully that he can get them both on the crew.
That really seemed to cheer Mr. Man up a lot.
We don't count our chickens before they hatch, but so far, everything this friend has talked about, he has delivered. So that's a good sign.

And there are the two interviews I landed. One is tomorrow evening.
So we'll see.

We went home later than we planned because it was turning out to be such a professionally encouraging/good networking night and we were both enjoying the music and conversation with different people. It was freezing in the house; we turned the heat up, took some orange juice and vitamin C, and split a can of soup because we were starving, and then went to bed exhausted. It was about 5 in the morning. While he was downstairs heating the soup up, I went upstairs and put fresh clean sheets on the bed. I'm about to get my period and neither of us was feeling romantic or energetic enough for sex but I still felt it was a small free luxury we could have.

When you have nothing, it makes you appreciate the little things.

As I climbed into bed, he seemed… flat exhausted but still in a vaguely snuggly mood. It's hard to explain what I mean by that but… he was scooted closer to the middle of the bed, and seemed to be in a posture to welcome me to his side rather than roll over and keep me at a distance.
He was also making his little "hm" noises. That is also weird to explain. He makes these sounds sometimes when he wants to invite sexual contact. or when he's expressing pleasure. Or closeness/intimacy. It's a sweet, small thing.
This was in contrast to what I expected; we still seemed to be guarding ourselves and neither of us has yet apologized to the other.
Fighting with him is weird to me. I don't know.
I sensed he wanted closeness but I was not in the mood for sex and I couldn't believe he was either. But I laid there and snuggled up to his side, and laid my head on his chest. His arm was up and his sleep mask was on, but he was half pretending to be asleep already, and half making these little sounds.
I thought of a million different things I could say. Some happy, some sad, some condescending, some pleading, some honest, some harsh, some hopeful…
In the end, all I said into the darkness was, "…I still love you _so much_, you know?"

He made a muffled noise of surprise that I'd talked out loud, like, "whuu?" and then he took it in, and sighed out a long, tense breath, and relaxed under me, leaning into my body. He brought his arm down around my shoulders and squeezed me tight to him. We "melded" more comfortably, and fell asleep that way.
It wasn't an apology, it wasn't an attack, it wasn't a demand… it was just a statement of honest enduring love. I think maybe love takes harsh truth in stride. And still accepts anyway.
There was no make-up sex and he hasn't apologized or anything, but he's been much nicer to me today and is in a better more hopeful mood.

I hope our job situation pans out, and soon. I do love him. But sometimes I just get so weary and I feel like there's nowhere to truly find any solace.
I'm guessing this is sort of a hallmark of my generation though.
Yayyy millenials, we're so fucking entitled and shit.
Well that's not true. sometimes in his arms I find solace. It's so sweet and peaceful, it's worth all the pain and suffering I had to go through just to be in that moment of "home". But... I feel so guilty about it sometimes though. Like I hope I'm not pulling on him, draining his energy, I need to give back as much as I take so I don't wear him out, my starvation is so deep I remind myself it is not fair of me to expect any one person to fill up that hole, I have to, have to bear most of that burden myself, always and forever. And like maybe his daughters should be in his arms, not me. Like maybe he's only with me because I am the only one who would let him have these deep suitcases full of drama and take him under my roof without question and still allow him his pride, because I understand what it means to struggle and survive and need to keep your pride about you while you carve out your own path in this world.

But sometimes... sometimes, I like to think he's holding me in his arms because he actually wants me there, that he realizes I'm good for him too.
Sometimes I allow myself to think that. Sometimes I think I'm stupid to believe that. But in the moments I believe lie all the magic in the world; I can do anything, if he loves me. I feel like superwoman. It's what makes me keep fighting for our relationship, I guess.
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silentwaters

May 2015

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