Goddammit

Jan. 13th, 2015 09:05 pm
silentwaters: (silent)
[personal profile] silentwaters
Goddammit.
I wish I didn't love him.

He's so fucking cold sometimes.

We just had a "fight" sort of, but I guess at least we're conversing. It's painful and we each have kind of given low blows to each other, but I actually stood up to him and called him on some of his shit directly.

Here's the thing, I love him a lot and I even trust and submit to him, willingly. I desire him and I appreciate the fuck out of him.
But fuck, he is a moody bitch sometimes, and he whines a lot without getting his shit together or making a fucking decision, and he really isn't helpful or supportive about the stress I'm going through, even though I hold it in and hold it in and hold it in forever until I explode in a ball of tears. And his cognitive dissonance makes it hard on me, because I'm trying to be supportive of him, but he changes his mind every few weeks about whether he wants to go or stay, and he gets so wrapped up in his attitude of haterade that he really can't make any useful contribution to the conversation anymore in terms of solution paths, except to pace like a pensive lion over well-trod cliches of hate for this town & its struggling people, and to make wishful suggestions about what *I* could do better with my professional life (hey buddy, wait a moment, let me get my compact mirror out of my purse so you can look at yourself while you spout that line).

So here's the thing: I'm a survivor at the end of the day, and I love him a lot, but I already decided to survive back when I decided not to kill myself over the ex and his drama.
So I will survive with or without Mr. Man, and that is the truth.

I'm going to quit caring so much what he thinks, and go make my money. We're both trying to run small businesses right now- the difference between him and me is, I'm actually getting paying gigs NOW.
They're not paying much. We're not making our bills yet. But I'm just starting out and I have next to no resources to work with, so everything I build is either free, a "trial period", or hella cheap, and I'm figuring out how to leverage all that shit as fast as I can.
You'd THINK that would garner some respect, considering *I've* been the one to keep a roof over his head and put food on the table since he moved in, without a 9 to 5.
(Oh, I'm also dropping resumes left and right. You know what? I got 3 leads tonight. TONIGHT! After praying about it really hard this morning, and after suffering through bank overdraft drama, covering my own ass with the cash I got handed for honest work yesterday, then having a super-embarassing convo with the landlord where I explained I only have half his money and he refrained from chewing me out and kindly accepted what I had, but OMG I'm SO FUCKING SICK OF THIS, and then having to apologize to another friend in a band who I promised to go see that I can't go because I really no kidding can't afford the fucking $10 cover charge right now, I'm that broke-- I FINALLY get 3 leads. 2 responses to resumes I sent out, and one contract job lead. Tonight. And I broke down in tears, because I was alone in the office and just was so fucking relieved and thanking God, seriously. And then he walks in and digs at me until we're basically fighting, and I let him know, you know, I'm busting my ass over here, and all I need from him is a little emotional support. And the next thing I know he's bringing up the fact that I'm not divorced yet - HELLO, in my heart and soul I've been cut from that former person for 2 years now. August 17th, 2012. That's when it all ended for me.
You know what I have now? A piece of paper somewhere in a city courthouse that I can't afford the legal fees to change. That's it. It's $300 I don't have and haven't had for 2 years now. Because I'm fucking broke. Because I took in another human being under my roof and I've been supporting us every since, on my meager $10/hr job and then my starving entrepreneur phase.
And now, now that I'm FINALLY getting some fucking traction, now that I'm FINALLY starting to get gigs by word of mouth and some things are finally panning out, but I'm still begging my landlord to take half rent and not throw us out? He brings up the fact that my lack of divorce bothers him greatly.
I don't know if it truly bothers him all that deeply, or if he's just saying that because he thinks it's a low blow that will hurt me like I hurt him, because I said some things to him (not yelling, just pointing out his coldness) that seemed to hit home (I finally let him know what I think of him behaving like an emotional black velvet curtain, absorbing compliments and good energy and not reflecting them back, for example, I'll say, "I want you to be happy," and instead of saying "I want you to be happy too" he'll say, "Thanks, I want to BE happy too." He'll do this with all sorts of compliments, he takes it, makes it more about himself, and refuses to give a gracious response. Like, selfish much? Same with "I love you". Not only does he never say it, but he won't always say it back, either. Then I feel 'punished' for displaying the weakness of emotionally expressing myself. I don't know if this is "negging" but we're wayyyy past a mere PUA phase of relationship by now so I think it's got to change a bit.), and anyway, he came back with some darker/harder stories about his childhood root of these behaviors, and then this divorce thing, sort of… I mean I love him so I'mma take it at face value of him telling the truth. But a more suspicious /worldly person in a lover's quarrel might see it as a form of one-upmanship.

Well, if that's the case, it won't work. I can't work at building my business any more diligently than I am. I can't get a job and quit working for myself unless someone responds to an application I've submitted. And I simply haven't had the money since the trial ended and my car got towed, eating up my last reserve of savings, and we've been living hand-to-mouth since then. And I sure as hell don't have $300 to spare now. We have to eat. We have to have gas in the cars, and we have to not be homeless.
You can't squeeze blood from a stone. So what-the-fuck-ever, if he thinks it's a low blow to me. Believe me, getting free of that piece of paper is in the top 3 things I'm trying to afford right now. If I could get it done any faster I would. I don't want it to be a wedge between us either. And it cuts to hear him say that it is. But if he can't reconcile wishful thinking with harsh reality, or pony up the cash to help his own lady out, then, WTF, honestly. (I understand if he feels this is something I should do on my own - I feel that way too, I'm just saying, as a general rule, if you think I should be doing something with my life that I can't afford, pay up or shut up and let me work on it my damn self and try to have an ounce of fucking compassion since I'm working so hard to *please* you.)

Anyway I'm just venting.
All our problems are ugly, and of the "put on your adult undies and deal with it, cupcake" variety. I have an ex and truckloads of drama. He has an ex and two kids he isn't able to make child support payments on, which his ex-wife needles him about constantly, and he really fucking loves those kids and wants to do right by them desperately so it's salt in an open wound every fucking time she lets him visit them. I just want to cry for him and those kids. I wish I could afford to help but I'm so strapped myself!
But I'd rather support each other than tear each other down. I know it's hard to look past each other's baggage. But all have sinned and fallen short… all of us are diamonds in the rough.
It's only love and faith that get us anywhere at all. That's it. That's the lube that makes the world go round.
I'm trying, I'm trying to maintain that love and faith. I'll keep trying till my last breath, so I can leave the world even just a smidge better than when I came into it. I'll keep trying whether I get to keep him in my life or have to let him go because he doesn't get it. Neither of us are perfect but I love him anyway. I pray that it all comes together, the money, the creativity, the love… I'm weaving as fast as I can, hoping against hope that my story will have a happy ending in the long run.
Maybe whatever gestalt ghosts haunt these faint online hallows can help me.
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