May. 1st, 2015

grr...argh

May. 1st, 2015 08:33 pm
silentwaters: (silent)
that very night after posting that last entry, we had a fight. He decided to be a passive-aggressive bitch about some things. I called him out on it. He didn't like it. We spent two days being raw and sore over it I think. I really had to fight down my nausea and fear and take the lead on pushing for reconciliation. We did reconcile, and we've accomplished work together and had some sweet times together since then, but I feel he is moody and depressed lately and I can't seem to pull him out of it. I am paranoid and insecure and terrible shaky about abandonment issues so on one hand, I jump to this conclusion where he's over me and hating me secretly and this isn't working and oh god oh god we're over... and on the other hand, I feel he is seething about things that have nothing to do with me. He finally got an interview offer with the company where I got this new job, because I put good words in for him and passed his resume around and stuff.
But instead of being happy about this, he's only seemed to become more moody in anticipation for this interview. He's brought up his frustrations with being broke a couple of times lately. Not in an attacking way, but... like in an almoust mournful way. (I barely have a few paychecks under my belt and it's mostly been sucked away to desperately needed bills and overdue rent, etc., so while we're doing better, we're not... doing "great" yet). He got a letter from the state attacking him for not paying child support. But we just did our taxes and combined, we made less than $25K last year, and most of that was mine. He got a couple of small royalty checks, and I kept the roof over our heads and groceries in the fridge and insurance on the cars.
It really is getting better, now that I have this job. It sucks to be under the legal gun, and when he does finally get a job, 20% of it will go to child support off the top, but you know... that's okay. We're doing okay. We haven't starved yet - we've eaten a lot of rice and beans but... we aren't homeless, we aren't naked, we aren't immobilized, we both have our relative health, I mean... we have a lot to be grateful for, the way I see it.

But he's so heavy when he's like this, and I don't know what to do. We had sex twice in the last month. Twice. Well, and I went down on him once, altruistically letting him finish before I got any, and I set my revved-up engines on the sidelines thinking, we'll get back to it later tonight or tomorrow, I'll be okay, he won't leave me hanging.
Only... he did. We haven't had sex since then, and not for lack of me giving him suBtle hints. He seems put off by physical contact, grouchy... I'm kinda worried. He smells a little different too- something sweet, like he'd showered in maple syrup- but we hadn't eaten or drank anything sweet like that that I knew of. I noticed this the other night, when I tried gently to interest him in a little sexytime, because I knew I'd be starting my period soon and not feel like it for about a week. He brushed me off with some comment about how I must be putting off different pheromones around this time of the month because he was so not interested in sex right now.
I tried not to take it personal. But really- he was the one who smelled different to ME, and I only noticed it because once he said something, it was kinda on my mind in bed that night.

He keeps mentioning being sick of being so broke he doesn't have gas money. I haven't started making enough money to give him an "allowance" of some kind, but I definitely don't skimp on trying to make him feel cared-for. I buy groceries I think he'll like, I take him out to dinner and spend money on him, I buy him beer, I pay the rent and car insurance, I try to help with other small bills I know he has if he asks- this paycheck I just got, yesterday, was the first paycheck I've gotten from this job that was a) an actual full, not half, paycheck and b) had all my health insurance and stuff taken out. So FINALLY, I can start to budget.
And with that budget, I was hoping to be able to give him some "walking around money" or "gas money" or whatever he wants to call it. And yes, it would be even better if he had his own job, and his own money. And I know he intends to, and he's trying, and he's probably nervous about this interview because it's the first solid thing that's come down the pipe for him in over a year. This is a legit company with legit salary and benefits, and which would be solid on his resume.
I think in his mind, that's making this interview a Big Fucking Deal and he's stressin' it, hard, but is too proud to admit it. I think he probably needs to run around and scream somewhere. I desperately wish I could afford to take us on a vacation somewhere remote and green, but I'm not quite that flush yet.

I think this very long time of suffering poverty is really hard on him. It's harder on him than me, for some reason. He almost takes it personally. But there's no one to blame but himself (too harsh to live with) or the world/the economy/the job market (a contributing factor for sure, but too vague to make any difference).

Honestly... Here's the thing. Life is short and I intend to be happy for the rest of the little while I've got here.
I don't know if that involves tethering myself to a sullen imperious self-centered dude who can't deal with being on the downside of life. Life doesn't owe you an upside. You have to roll up your sleeves and make that part happen your damn self, honey. My life is GOOD now, because I DECIDED it was. Not because I'm #winning, for real. But because I decided what my attitude would be about all this, and it involves smiling, being grateful for small things, forgiving, and continuing to feel empathy and compassion for others. I sleep better at night than I did in 2013, let me tell you. With or without Mr. Man to warm my bed.
I don't know if my happiness involves enduring pregnancy and painfully pushing 18-plus-year-Commitments out of my vagina.
I don't know if my happiness involves giving up the momentum of all my education and professional accomplishments (which, okay, last year was not financially great, but I'm learning more and more what value I really hold) to be a stay-at-home-mom to raise these progeny, which he seems old-fashioned enough to want to set us up that way-- but-- and I would never cruelly press him on this, but the truth is- I haven't seen any evidence of his earning potential setting him and ANY family up that way yet. It kind of canned his last marriage. The one where they hella wanted kids so bad, they did IVF - twice.
Then, he became the stay at home dad, and she kept working- being jelously bitter about his "luxury" of staying home all the while.
I'm a different woman than his ex, and love him for completely different reasons, and if we ever DO marry and have kids, our dynamic WILL be different, I assure you. But if he expects old-fashioned values and virtues out of me as a woman and mother, I need to see some old-fashioned values and virtues out of him as a man and father.

My happiness involves things like "makes music" "takes a year off to serve with UNICEF in some 3rd world country making a literal difference in people's lives" "hiking beautiful mountains" "enjoying art gallery openings" "Performing music in as many countries as possible" "strengthens and maintains caring bonds with family members back home even if they're difficult to visit" "decorates house eccentrically without giving a fuck about others opinions and whether or not every sharp edge is kid friendly" "Sleeps late on saturday mornings" "has loud sex because it feels awesome"

Like... I appreciate that the struggle is real, but I'm not here to wipe your ass, bro. I can be happy, and you can buoy yourself up on my happiness, or... you can continue to be a morose asshole and drag us both down. But only to a point.
Because one thing I will never allow a man to do to me again is: Destroy me.
At some point, I will cut myself loose and survive.

That isn't a threat. It's just another decision, and one I came by the hard way, almost killing myself in despair over the last guy. Never again.
Never.
Again.

That being said, I do love Mr. Man. When he's calm and happy he's so warm and good and fills up my emotional cup till it runs over, and he has the power to make me so glowy inside. All these things I do for him, BJs with no reciprocation, being the breadwinner for both of us without complaint, etc.- some people might look at this relationship and say "he's using you" but I don't feel that way at all. I'm not buying him rI feel like you take care of your tribe, and he's part of mine now, and I'm the one with the earning potential that's getting utilized, so I put into the tribe what I got. He is contributing in other ways. He does the dishes every fucking day (I hate dishes and if left up to me, they'd get done maybe 2-3 times a week) and often he cooks too. He just repainted our whole downstairs and is about to do the stairwell/upstairs. He's replacing the carpet with hardwood floors to help keep our landlord happy and talking about replacing the kitchen linoleum with actual tile... so I mean, he's really trying to make himself useful around the house. I can see he is trying to make himself useful while waiting to hear back from these jobs he's been applying to. He's a fantastic lover when he wants to be. Love isn't about checking off line items on a balance sheet. It's about feeling like you're "home" when you're with a person. And I do. And so the rest of the details are nobody's business but ours.
Even so... I wonder if the problem is that he keeps expecting me to drop a bomb on him about "earning his keep" or if he feels emasculated that he isn't the breadwinner, or if he's really feeling guilty/scared about his child support (he has never ONCE had an attitude of intending to shirk that responsibility off. He just literally has made NO money this last year. He's basically been dependent on me, and I'm sorry, but as willing as I would be to contribute as a step-mom or whatever to his kids... uhhh... this last year I needed 100% of my net income for me/us. His baby mama was making more than both of us combined. So. The intention is, and has been, for him to get a job and immediately start paying child support, so he's been applying and applying, but he's gotten a lot of rejection letters, dead-end leads, and not a single viable job offer yet. As frustrating as that is for "us", I can tell it's hardest on him. His ex-wife has been gracious enough to let him come visit/take care of the kids at her house once a week, even though he hasn't been able to pay child support, and he loves those kids and they love him, and he's staying involved in their lives which I think is great. He clearly isn't lazy and he wants to contribute. He just... financially can't, yet. And I'm still kinda strapped just taking care of the two of us. Thankfully, with this interview on Monday, that may change soon. I'm sure that's why he's assigning so much weight to it, even though he knows he probably shouldn't, and he's just a ball of tightly coiled emotion over this. Lots of conscious pride and "fuck this town" and "fuck this job market" and probably also lots of subconscious "fuck I need this job so bad" "fuck I hate feeling this desperate" "fuck my life, I know I'm worth more than this ridiculous struggle" ... he would probably never admit it feeling actual fear and shame over this, even subconsciously but... I would understand, if he did.)

Anyway. I'm not even mad, bro. I'm not angry with him and he's ostensibly not angry with me, and nothing's "wrong" per se, but I feel like... something's "wrong" anyway. I am hoping it's just the job interview process and that maybe he will finally get an offer, and relax a bit.
I know those feels; I just went through them all 2 months ago. It's a hairy rollercoaster and on the surface I was placidly calm and all like "I got this" but inside I was fucking flipping my shit.

All I know is, right now I'm on my period, I'm in some pretty serious need of some intimacy and reassurance from him, but I'm too fearful/proud/sensitive to mention this to him because I'm pretty sure all he is thinking about right now is his own needs and god forbid I intrude and make myself one more fucking burden.
I kind of suck at this part. Like what should I say? "I know you're feeling like shit, but I need you to love me and tell me you think I am awesome right now?"
I'm pretty sure he doesn't think I am awesome right now. What I feel from him is mild resentment reminiscent of the days when my Ex couldn't provide and couldn't fuck me and was feeling pretty shitty about himself. I didn't know how to help him then either.
But the truth is, no one can help anyone until they decide to help themselves.
But he's got so much potential, so much skill, so much talent, and so much potential warmth and goodness in him... I believe in him, I really do. I think he's been beat down so much in his life, especially by "the women". He seems to have ongoing woman-trauma from his mother and some abusive ex-girlfriends, and I'm not like any of those chicks. And I think sometimes he's relieved, and sometimes he just doesn't fucking believe it. And maybe he feels like the balance has gone out of whack long enough that he feels he owes me or something, and he can't fucking stand being beholden to anyone- which I get, man, I totally get that. I refused to live on my parents dime or ask them for help ever, because I'll be damned if they'll hold something over my head.
But I'm like... not here to hold shit over his head. I just want to be treated with the mutual warmth and respect I offer to him. I just want to be appreciated for being an awesome girlfriend to him sometimes. Like... where else is he gonna find a chick that will buy him beer, blow him hard, pay his rent, and not ask for a goddamn thing in return? He isn't. So maybe it's too good to be true for him. But I have my faults and he hates them so much. But fuck, man, I'm not perfect. I never claimed to be. I'm just generous and kind. That's what I got. I ain't got much but I've got a heart and I'm willing to use it. Not to tie him down, but to free him up. I don't think he's ever had that before. I can only offer an open hand and hope he continues to hold it in his own.
I am just going to continue to be kind and supportive and believe in him and pray for him and hope that he is the man I think he is, and that he will stay the course and not bitch out on me.

Because that would be... extremely disappointing.

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